Honest Truths

1/30/15

Hhhhhh. Lord life is so strange. So much has happened I don't even know where to start. I've been so tired and sick lately. I still don't understand how I've managed to walk. It's so hard.. all I wanna do is go back to my home.

California. In the shallow water. Where the waves hit so hard that sometimes the water slaps your face but you laugh. And no one seems to understand what I mean when I say HOME, when I say WATER, when I say SOUL.. Hh I want someone to hold me.

Life is getting really hard but hey, life wouldn't be life without the hash, cold, sad, depressed people. Lol.

So I fell in love.

I fell.

I broke.

I love and loved and still do.

Like they say, first love is sweet but it's also really deep. So I wrapped my heart, bandaged and dripping with sadness but it still worked. And I continued on. I honestly thought I learned my lesson. I didn't think I would ever fall again. ..

But then I did didn't I?

The heart wants what it wants. Bad or good. But we are suppose to give it good. I seem to always hurt it. Now I can't breath till we stare at one another. I can't DREAM without this person. All of a sudden, my breathing depends on this person. And I've lost it.

AGAIN?! AGAIN?!

It's like I learned nothing, like I'm seriously nuts. I should've learned what happens from haram love or whatever this is. It only hurts you. I remember the start.. I felt picture perfect. Now I'm like... I will love you like I've never been hurt... I'm gonna risk it all like I've never lost. And I wanna know will you do it for me? I'm going crazy. What person just tells you that they do?

I've been hurt but I'm doing it all again, and praying I make it through alive, and DECLARING I will love you and forever, I will love you like I've never, like I never heard goodbye, like I never heard a lie, Like I'm falling in love for the first time. Yeah I'm nuts. I am better than this. But here I am. Doing all this again. Regretting everything. Regret. These stupid scars all over me, arms and hands and most in my Heart.

Shouldn't I worry more about the fact that I'm dying? I'm so stressed out, I cry so much, I die, I scream, I ache, I have fluid in my lungs, I sometimes can't breathe. I have to go to get a PET Scan and I'm crying over the same damn thing again and AGAIN!!!! What's wrong with me?!

... long live my dreams. Long live the times I fought dragons with my sisters. Long live the walls I crashed through with you.. long long live the school lights that shine on me and you. Long live my Oath that I made to my friends .. long long live the promises we made- even through half of us have left one another. Long live all that I am.

I'm crazy. I've been writing down everything in my head. My life is strange. So is my head. I honestly feel like I'm making no sense. I guess that's what's wrong with me. I'm so lost I can't even write it out.

I'm so tired. Hhhh. I can't believe I'm still going on the same thing again and again. I know I'm gonna hurt, actually I AM hurt. I'm completely broken.

Hilariously it actually is all my fault. You see, I thought I should play The Game. I will play him, trick him and whoever falls in love first loses an instead if him- I fell. Now I wanna play The Chase. Who will go to the ends if the world for the other.

But strangely while I'm scared to death for myself, other side if me is saying bring it on. If you think you can just play me and leave you are in for a surprise because I know how to play too. We gonna go all night. Lighting this world up like it's dynamite. Cuz I played it once, I can play it twice.

I'm telling you it's my ignorance speaking. I've lost it. .. I'm so nuts. It's dangerous.

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Hhhh. I need to be tucked into bed, told a story, and loved to death... till I learn to love myself. Because I don't know how to love me.... hhh... Okay later guys may the Lord keep y'all happy and blessed.