Honest Truths

1/12/15

You know that awkward moment, when your crush walks by and you trip and act like you were picking up a pencil to cover up? I seem to get a lot of those. Oh and that moment when you think you honestly have every thing under control, but once you face things, you realize you got nothing under control. And how you decide, okay this person equals bad, so I'm going to be friendly but won't be super close but then when you don't see them you want to cry and scream and just run to them.

I seem to get a lot of those. My life is so weird. Nothing ever makes sense. I mean I always believed in like happy endings and things like a love life and simple pleasure of being happy. But slowly I learned that life isn't fair, no matter what happens happiness barely comes around. And when it does...

It is only noticed when it's gone.

Just like that true lyric. You only know you've been high when you're feeling low. So very true. I mean when you're happy do you actually realize it? No. Only when a bomb of sad plops down to you, do you realize, hey I was happy. And it's so sad now. I mean I never actually realized how hard everything can be. Sometimes I'll make a decision and then I'll be like oh God why did I choose that???

It's tiring. I mean when I look back at my life I remember a bunch of tears and laughter and friends and stupid things we did, like climb bathroom stalls and sing super loud. And how everything was always gonna be okay. And now... now. Now those friends, those memories, those times, seem to have disappeared. Like they never were. Like I never was surrounded by 10 girls all of us super close friends, that did the most retarded and dumbest things together, that always took the blame together, that sang and worked on the school dance night together. It feels like it all vanished.

I regret not having us all together

I regret us not realizing what we are, what we were, and what we swore made an oath to always be.

Birds of a feather. But what happened to the fly together?

Each of us went off into different directions, when we talk we aren't the same. We treat each other so differently. There are times when it feels like we do still have the care but it's like a flicker then it disappears.

And Lord. Lord how I miss us. But when I look at who I am...

I don't hold regrets. I'm at peace. I'm fine with the stupid things I did, the white lies, lusty encounters everything.

Because they made me who I am. I am me and for once in my life I'm not afraid of the girl that looks back at me in the mirror.

She is broken? Yes.

She needs someone? Yes.

But does she know her mistakes and wants to fix them? Yes.

Is she willing to give up who she is? Yes.

Then in my eyes.. I think she can make a difference. I think she can at least make one person remember her and love her. I think maybe, just maybe if she tries hard enough...

She could be standing in the Hall Of Fame.

And maybe just maybe...

The whole world might just know her name.