Honest Truths

7/26/15

Yeah. Long time haven't wrote. I don't seem to need to write out things that much but I still plan on keeping this book.

The quote I put in this chapter is from a book called Growing Up its on Wattpad. It's a nice book.

This quote hit home through. I mean really it hit home. I realized how true it is.

I could throw all my pain away in a heartbeat. No one in this world is indispensable. Not even the people I consider family. No one. It is okay to throw them all away.

I can throw the aunties that hurt me away. I can get rid of all the pain anyone caused me with a single click. All I have to do is get rid of them.

Because my happiness is more to me. My happy is so so so much more to me. In not kidding. I've finally learned that. I've fully realized and acknowledged that my happiness is worth so much more than someone else's.

And believe me, for someone who loves to make others happy over herself.... that's a hard thing to comprehend. But I know. And I value my happiness because I know what my sad can do to me.

Recently, my aunt-and I mean my real aunt as in my mom's sister- she's in Afghanistan she works for the army as an engineer. But any way, point is she called and I was so happy to hear from her, she always gone on about my weight but I would push it aside, but, that day I told her I wanted a cat and she said I should learn to take care of myself first-in a sassy way.

That's when I realized. My aunt for real or not, she won't matter to me unless I want her to.

And I decided she won't. And she doesn't. All the things I attributed to her she is. But my need for her is gone. She's my aunt, yes, I respect her, yes, I love her, yes... So I need her approval for everything I do?

NEVER.

Oh I love this power. It's amazing. With one decision, i can get rid of Auntie Yasmin. Of Auntie Parveen. Of Dede. Yup.

The think that stops me is these lines:

Every rose has its thorns,
Just like every cowboy has his sad sad song,
Every rose has its thorn.

-Miley Cyrus Song: Every Rose

These people are roses I decide which ones can hurt me. And some of these people are beautiful. Even if they come with so many thorns. .. in the end, those people are the most beautiful people. Even if they can be cruel. I decide who I can have.

I chose dede. She is the one who came with the baggage. I chose to keep her. She came with Auntie Yasmin as her mom, someone who judges people by the amount of intelligence and knowledge their parents have. How much knowledge you have. she thought low of my family because my dad isn't a I.T like her husband. Because my Dad owns a small business. He only has has a college education and my Mom a high school education.

But I'm proud of that. I'm proud that I'm their daughter.

Because my Mom may be less educated but she taught me love isn't skin deep.

She taught me that you should dig a hole for the people you love in your heart and put every bad they do in it and love them anyway.

She taught me that who the person is, and wants to be is everything. That no matter their past, THAT WON'T DECIDE THEIR FUTURE.

She told me that I'm able to do whatever I want in this world.

She taught me that God loves the woman who covers.

She loved me enough to send me to an Islamic school and sacrificed living in the house of her dreams to provide for it.

My Dad taught me how to sound professional.

My Dad taught me business so that God forbid anything was to happen to him, I could take care of my family.

My Dad taught me how to walk so that I would never need anyone, even him. Only God.

My Dad taught me that sometimes it's gonna rain. But thats a good thing cause I can dance in it.

My Dad taught me to value others for what's inside their hearts, not their pocketbooks or wallets.

My Dad told me many people will want to hurt me but the choice of who can is in my hands.

I'm so proud to be their daughter.

They might yell at me, they might be sick, they might of hurt me but lord, did they teach me.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, if I have you in my life treasure it. Because I know my worth now. I know what I am and can be. I'm a beautiful, diamond in the rough. And if I value you enough to hold you, and take all the thorns that come with you, then tat means you bring to me a happiness more than the pain and that's the only reason I would hold you. Because your happiness the one you bring to me, is greater than the pain that comes with it.

And if for any reason, I feel like you are causing me a lot of pain- remember you are dispensable. I can leave you.

I don't need you.

Two things keep me from leaving every person that causes me pain, two things that I remember and live by.

Every rose has Its thorn,
Just like every night has its dawn,
Every rose has its thorns.
- Miley Cyrus

Where there's desire,
There's gonna be a flame,
Where there's a flame,
Someone's bound to get burned.

But just because it burns,
It doesn't mean you're gonna die,
You just gotta get up and,
Try, try, try,
You gotta get up and try.

- P!nk, Song: Try

These songs are close to my heart. I live by them. Every person is a rose. And where I have a desire to have someone ... There will be a flame.

I just gotta get up and try, try, try.
And see if they wonder why.
See if I'll be loved, or not.
If not, is the baggage AKA the thorns they carry with them, worth my pain? If yes, I'm keeping the rose. I can tolerate burns.

If not, I let the rose go. Maybe someone else will love it.
And some burns hurt more than others.

Anyway. That's all for tonight. Night guys.