Honest Truths

2/21/15

So the parent teacher conference went well. My parents 're happy with everything and well I won 3rd in the Qur'an Competition. It's okay. I wanted 1st but alhamduliah.

As for the real reason I'm writing...

I have this amazing Dede. She's my world. Everything to me. But in the past so many things happened to me. I was blamed for things I didn't do, and up till today I'm paying the price. Her mother hates me.. or so it seems. She congratulated me today and I couldn't help but try to, for once in my life, look at her and I still saw dislike. I saw hate.  I don't understand. I mean I haven't done anything but love her, I haven't done anything but love her sons and daughters as my own siblings, and love her and her husband as my own parents.  I don't get it.

What's so horrible about me? What did I do? I've loved my dede so much, I never hurt her in any way, and she still has something inside about me. I mean if you can't stand me that much, if you hate me that much, please don't feed me the poison slowly just give it to me once. If you don't like me then please don't torture me. Please I've had enough I'm so tired of tears. I've actually forgotten what happiness IS. It's just hhh.  By poison I mean if you hate me so much then just take my dede away so I can cry and cry and cry above all, in peace. At least I would know that, yes, you hate me, you dislike me, you despise me, and all that's the reason I don't have my dede. You took her because I'm bad. I won't have to debate on whether or not you like me. I'll just know.

I miss my baby Zaid. I miss him so much. I miss snugging with my dede on her bed, in her room. But now I can't. I can't come because of the wounds it opens, the pain it causes.  It's traumatic.  I hurt everywhere. It's not freaking fair.

She tried to tell you about me, about how I was blamed, how I didn't do anything. You didn't believe her. Then another thing happened and then finally my mom lost it and called you... And told you about how for God's sake I'm innocent and how she refuses to let me hurt again.

Hilarious that after all that I still hurt. Hilarious how I still feel like I'm a THING to you. Some THING that made so many mistakes that she's a THING. I just wish you would open your eyes and realize I'm just human. Human after all. I make mistakes. I'm human.  And open your mind.

Do I seriously look like a person who purposely hurts those she loves the most in the world?

Do you honestly think I would harm my dede in anyway knowing the amount of  love, protectiveness, care, hugs and cuddles I've given her?

For Isa's sake I love her. I love her so much I would step in front of knives and bullets for her.  She's my entire... she's my hope. She's my flame of hope. Why would I? GIVE ME A GOD DAMN REASON ON WHY I WOULD HURT HER!

I just wanna be accepted by you. I love you. I think of you a  amee, ummi, mama, khala. I think of you as my own. What did I do to deserve your hate? Your dislike? I want to be accepted by you and papa. If you can't have me then pleas  just take my dede away or something cause  She doesn't cause  me any pain... she  loves me, but the looks I get from you of hate and dislike or whatever it is, are poison. 

Can I just know exactly what the hell you hate so much about me so we can end this? Cause it's killing me ... please..