Where I Belong (WangXian Modern AU)

26

I'm the stone that's tied to your ankle, so I'll have to leave.
I'm the disaster who looked like happiness, so I'll have to leave.

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Everything that happened earlier felt like looking at an old photo-real. The arrival of the ambulance, Lan Zhan being laid on a stretcher, watching them drive away to the hospital, my friends' pitiful gazes on me, turning my back towards them and walking away... As if my body was doing it, and I was trapped somewhere inside, watching it happen.

I don't know how long I've been walking. I only know that it's been hours since it got dark, and my bottle of Vodka was empty. I guess I walked halfway through the town, turning to directions that I felt like turning, avoiding crowds, till there wasn't anyone to avoid.

I heard my phone blowing off from time to time. But I didn't bother to pick it up. Maybe it was because I didn't want to face anyone right now, or maybe because I knew that it's not his call, and it never will be. The thought makes me bring the bottle to my lips and realize, again, that it's empty.

For some reason, I walk home. I clumsily enter the passcode and open the door. Cheng comes rushing to the hallway. I didn't expect him to be here, I don't know if I was thinking straight enough to expect anything.

"Where the fuck were you?" he asks. He goes on about being worried and looking for me and I pick up a sentence or two about Sang telling him about Lan Zhan's uncle.

Finally, he stops. Maybe he realized that his words just flew past me.

"Forget it. Are you okay?" he asks. I stay silent, unable to find words to answer him. "Are you drunk?"

"Maybe," I mumble and walk past him to go to my room.

"Xian, talk to me." He yells.

I know he wants to help me. But I just can't. Not right now.

"Xian-"

I slam the door shut and lean on it. Tears were already blurring my vision. My legs felt week, I didn't have any energy left in me. I just slide down it to sit on the ground. Either because of the alcohol in my system or because I felt safe to be whatever I want within these four walls, ugly sobs came out of my mouth.

I could hear Cheng sitting down on the other side of the door. I quickly pull my phone out and play the first song I could get my hands into with maximum volume, hoping it will drown my sounds. He deserves better than witnessing my misery.

I hug my knees because that's the only thing I could hold onto right now, and I break down into them. Now I understand why it's called breaking down. Because that's how it felt. Like there are cracks forming in my gut and my insides are crumbling down. Piece by piece, slowly, painfully.

Words will never explain the guilt I felt deep within me.

Even though something told me that Lan Zhan is alive, knowing the damaged I caused his life, another life... it burned me alive.

If I hadn't called his name on that road, if I wasn't selfish for his love, for what we shared, he would have been fine, climbing to heights he never would with my weight dragging him down.

Why is it he who's paying the price? Why can't it be me? I would've happily exchanged out places.

For some reason, an image of what it would have been like if he was here comes into my mind. How he would have held me close to him, whispering comforting words in my ear. How he would have told me that he loves me, carried me to bed, and stroke my back till I fall asleep. His warmth, his comfort...