the beautiful and damned - h.s.

seven

"if i could turn the page in time, then i'd rearrange just a day or two"
- little lies, fleetwood mac

𝐉𝐎𝐘𝐂𝐄 𝐑𝐎𝐁𝐈𝐍𝐒

"Did you know that butterflies taste with their feet? Jesus Joy, way to blow it! He probably thinks you're a weirdo now," I said muttering to myself, scoffing at my actions alone in my office.

After that embarrassing conversation took place, I was doing the best job I could to forget it ever happened. That among other things but Harry definitely thought of me as a complete idiot now.

At least now I finally knew his name.

Harry.

I was surprised he was willing to even tell me just from what he seemed to be like before because he did not seem entirely interested whatsoever in exchanging words with me. So you could understand my shock when he actually told me his name and even mentioned that he moved here not long ago. Granted, he probably only told me so I would leave him alone otherwise I didn't think he would. He seemed very reserved, but not in a shy kind of way more in a 'Leave me alone I don't want to talk to anyone' kind of way.

Then of course me and my big mouth had to open up and spew out a stupid random animal fact and ruin it all. I had a habit of doing that when I was nervous...and Harry made me very nervous. That fact was quite possibly one of the lamest I had in my repertoire and I was sure he wasn't interested in knowing that butterflies taste with their feet.

I mean, at least he didn't make fun of me for it...not to my face.

Elliot would have done that though.

God, I was so fucking sick and tired of thinking about him. He was right, he was always going to be in my head no matter what. I constantly found myself second-guessing every decision I made ever since we broke up. It could be as simple as me debating on whether or not I should eat the ice cream that was sitting in my freezer but then Elliot's voice at the back of my mind was saying, 'Should you really be eating that. I can't love someone fat'. I found myself overthinking even more now after what happened Saturday. That happened almost a week ago because it was currently Friday.

I was trying so hard to not let him get to me anymore but after three years of constant lies, abuse and manipulation, I didn't know if it would ever stop. The only reason I finally mustered up the courage to walk away from our relationship was because it was hurting others in the process...it destroyed me. I gave everything to him...by the time we were over, I was empty inside out. I didn't even recognize myself most of the time. When I finally ended it, he made sure to remind me how undeserving I was of his love and how pathetic I was...and he didn't fail to remind me every time he was around me. I gave him three years of dedication and he still didn't seem to give a shit about me, whatsoever. He made me feel like everything was my fault...I was always the one to blame no matter what, even if he was in the wrong.

It was always one thing after the other...I didn't appreciate him enough, or I wasn't deserving of his love and affection that consisted of fucking me and leaving before the sun rose again. He made me feel like something was wrong with me...I still felt that way.

Three years of my life was wasted trying to constantly fix something that couldn't be fixed. I always wondered if anything about our relationship was real...did he ever really love me like he said he did?