the beautiful and damned - h.s.

thirty-six

"i don't wanna say goodbye to another night and watch you walk away, i don't
wanna let it burn in the city lights and make the same mistakes this time"
- waste the night, 5 seconds of summer

𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐘 𝐒𝐓𝐘𝐋𝐄𝐒

Relaxed.

I needed to feel relaxed.

So as Joy and I got rid of our clothes and stepped under the steaming water from the showerhead, a sense of calmness overcame my body.

I just wanted to be with her at that moment.

I needed it.

I didn't want to be reminded of everything else that had happened tonight, I just wanted to be present with her. Although this is the first time either of us are completely seeing each other, it wasn't sexual in any way.

We were simply comforting one another.

Neither of us said a word, too afraid to say the wrong things. Even after all the shouting and tears thrown around in the last few hours, I knew it was because we were both scared, petrified about what was to come.

Was I going to pack up and leave again?

It seemed like that was the logical thing to do if I wanted to keep Joy safe. I didn't have the funds to do it all over again, but if it kept her safe from Doran and my past coming after me, then I had to consider it.

After we had both cleaned ourselves, we still stood silently, pressed against one another as the water ran down our skin.

I wouldn't know what to say even if I tried.

She didn't want me to leave but I needed to protect her, I couldn't go down that road a second time.

Something caught my attention and I almost didn't hear the little sniffle that came from Joy due to the water cascading against us and echoing off the walls.

"Baby, why are you crying?" I asked her gently as I got a good look at her face now. Red brimmed eyes, pieces of her long black hair clung to her face as a few unmistakable teardrops fell from her eyes.

She shook her head and tried to turn around the opposite way, "Joy, you can talk to me...if it's about earlier then—"

"I'm sorry, I don't even know why I'm crying, to be honest," she scoffed, wiping away at her tears as she moved away from standing right below the showerhead.

"Joy—"

"I'm fine," she said curtly, immediately shutting me up, not wanting to upset her more than she clearly already was right now.

She was hurt and confused and she had the right to be. What I told her tonight was barely half of my fucked up life. She wanted me to stay, I also wanted to stay, but was that really the best decision?

This was getting so complicated.

Part of me wanted to hold her and whisper in her ear that everything was going to be okay. We would carry on with life, go about our days and then spend our nights together. We could go on more dates, watch more movies together and just be happy.

But I couldn't, because how was I to know that shit wouldn't hit the fan soon.

It made me sick to my stomach, thinking about what could've happened. Someone breaking in and destroying her flat was one thing but I wasn't sure what I would've done with myself if she ended up hurt.