the beautiful and damned - h.s.

thirty-five

"how am i supposed to be your ray of light?
i get dark sometimes, does it pass you by?"
- falling asleep at the wheel, holly humberstone

𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐘 𝐒𝐓𝐘𝐋𝐄𝐒

"How much did you know about Elliot?" I asked her.

Fear and nerves were bubbling in my stomach. I wasn't sure how much I was about to tell her...it definitely wasn't going to be everything.

I wasn't ready for that and neither was she.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

I sighed...how the fuck do I even approach this? "Did you know what he did for a living?" I bluntly said. It was probably better to just be straight up instead of beating around the bush. She seemed surprised at my words like she wasn't expecting that to leave my mouth.

"Sorta..." she trailed off, although she didn't seem so sure.

"Define sorta," I said, "I need to know exactly what you knew"

She huffed out and shrugged, "Like...I knew he was an underground fighter" she paused for a second, "Illegally..." she finished.

This was going to be harder to do than I thought. "That's it?" I asked.

"He never told me what he did...I kinda figured it out he fought from the rumours that went around campus when we first started dating. Every time I asked him about it he'd just get mad...so I stopped. I knew that—" she stopped speaking for a second, seeming to recollect her thoughts and words, "The place he fought at was run by a gang..."

Alex was right when he said she didn't know much. It was a lot more complicated than that.

"Harry...you're kind of scaring me..." she nervously fiddled with her fingers on top of the table.

I sighed and rubbed my hand over my face, "It's just...once I tell you this shit...you probably aren't going to look at me the same. We're finally in a good place and everything just keeps coming out of nowhere and fucking it up,"

She was silent before speaking up, "You don't have to tell me— I don't wanna force you—"

"No, because if I had the option, you would never find out," I shrugged, "I just fuck— I don't even know where to start,"

She grabbed my hand on the other side of the table and squeezed it, giving me reassurance and comfort I surely didn't deserve.

She was going to hate me. I guarantee it.

"Elliot wasn't just fighting at an underground ring owned by a gang...he was a part of it as well. And he was extremely high up in terms of ranks," I breathed out.

That wasn't even the hard part and I was already shitting myself. "What— but how?" Joy stuttered over her words. "He probably didn't tell you for the exact reason I'm fucking terrified to tell you right now," I laughed sarcastically.

"We were dating for three years...I think I would've known.." she suddenly said in an accusing tone.

I furrowed my brows, "Joyce...I'm not lying and that fact that you think I am just lets me know how much he really fucked with your head," I grumbled.

"No, I just—"

"How many times has he come back to you with thousands of dollars in his pockets at once? Yeah, fighting is good money but not that much! I guarantee he got all that money from all the drugs he was selling..." I told her.