Ocean.
The Cold Wind don't feel refreshing anymore.
So is the Endless Abyss that is called Sky.
Sincerity don't feel sincere anymore,
And truths, they don't hurt anymore.
Waking Up isn't exciting anymore.
And if only I think that I was worthy of what I have, even in the simpliest things- I would have been happier than this.
But I wasn't.
And Never will.
I'm contented but I want more.
I want more but I can't ask for more.
I'm good but I'm terrible.
I'm terrible but I'm good.
And I will never be better than what I am.
Never liked the previous version of myself so I became worse.
Unrecognizable.
Tainted.
Desperate.
The Bottom of the Ocean isn't Blue.
It's Dark, Empty, And Terrifyingly real.
As I co-exist with my fears and hatred
I realized that the Good in me is nothing but a good in me.
As I live everyday looking up at the sky
While changing glances with the Concrete I'm stepping on,
I wonder if it's alright if I let go.
Of my Ideals that I don't even know.
Of my Dreams that I don't even know.
Of myself, that I don't even know.
Of What and Who I am that I don't even know.
I refuse to look at me, for I am what I hate.
I refuse to believe in me, for I am what I'm not.
And If everything is achievable through efforts and hardwork,
I Don't have the will to move.
So I sank, unmoving.
Into the pit of the Ocean.
Wondering that if I ever get another shot in life
I would maybe try harder.
But in my current state
Of Hopelessness,
Of Emptiness,
Of Nothingness,
I- just want to breathe.
For I am not okay, yet calm.
But I cannot breathe underwater.
I have never been in a space so suffocating
that I refuse to accept that this is what I am now.
And if everything will be alright, why can't I?
Even for a day, for a week, for an hour.
Yet Good Days Passed me by but I didn't notice.
And if today was another good day, and I'm just silently sitting here
As I contemplate of what I should have done,
How do I face me?
Everything is Terrible.
And I'm good at being Terrible.
And If Someday I'll get better,
I'll breathe. Again and again.
Until the Cold Wind Feels Refreshing.
And The Sky feels like healing.
Sincerity feels sincere,
And Truths, I'll learn how to accept them.
But I'll sink for now until I learn how to swim through this.
Until I can finally breathe again, without suffocating in my own existence.
