Being Alive ( D.W)

"I Missed You So Much"

Me "you first"

He looked at me confused. 

I shot him a look. 

He took a sip of his beer "We have lost way, way too much, Elena. And it's hard not to feel like just... cashing out. I felt like that. After Chuck, back at the crypt. But you know what brought me back? You did.Sammy did. By sayin' that what we do still matters. I mean, that's why I wanted to drag us out here. That's why I wanted to... to work a case, to save lives, you know? 'Cause it is... it's a... it's crap job. We do the ugly thing so that people can live happy."

I nodded "Lucky them"

Dean nodded "Yeah, lucky them. But it doesn't change a thing. You know what I mean? We still do the job. But we don't do it for us. We do it for Jack, for mom, for Rowena. We owe it to anybody who has ever given a damn about us to keep putting one foot in front of the other. No matter what. And hey, doll, like you said, now that Chuck's gone, we're finally on our own. We are finally free to... move on, you know?"

I shrugged, nodding. 

Dean "now you. Tell me"

I just looked at my beer. 

Dean "you are not gonna talk to me? are you serious?"

Me "you promised"

Dean scoffed, shaking my head "i am too tried for games now, Elena"

I looked at him, hurt "you think i wanna be like this?"

Dean stood up "Elena, i was a wreck without. I wanted to die, okay? so excuse me if i am not in the mood for games right now"

Then he walked past me. 

I sighed "i don't sleep at night"

He stopped walking. 

Me "I am sorry that you were a wreck without me, Dean, i truly am. But i can't sleep at night. "

I stood up and turned to him "actually i haven't slept in nearly a year now"

He looked at me, confused. 

Me "you were in Hell. you know it is not easy down there. I was nearly a year down in Hell. You think i was able to sleep down there? no. I couldn't. Because i feared that once i closed my eyes - once i drifted off to sleep- that i wouldn't wake up ever again. All what matters down there was how to survive. "

He nodded. 

Me "and now that i am back...i -i-i don't know but i don't save enough to sleep"

Dean asked hurt "you don't feel safe enough with me? Because i couldn't safe you from Jack?"

I shook my head "no, Dean, no, nuh nuh, do not put this on you, okay? Dean, i just need time to be able to fall asleep again"

Dean nodded "and time to find your hunger again, i guess?"

I looked at him confused. 

Dean "The only thing you've been eating since you're back is little things like candy or sandwiches but nothing really healthy..like bacon "

I sighed, nodded "Yeah, you're right. Dean, i wanna sleep, trust me, i do. but i can't."

Dean "you don't feel safe enough"

I nodded.

Dean nodded "okay"

I looked at him confused. 

Dean nodded "okay, follow me"

I looked at him confused before following him out. 

Then i followed him into my room. 

Dean grabbed the mattress and pulled it off the bed and onto the ground. 

I looked at him confused "what the hell?"

Dean then threw the pillows and the blankets onto the mattress.

I asked confused "what are you doing? Dean?"

Dean took his shirt off and then his pants "take your- my hoodie off"

Me "why?"

Dean looked me in the eyes "take it off before i rip it off, baby"

My eyes widened and i took the hoodie off. 

Dean laid down on the ground and got under the covers "now, lay down"

I looked at him confused before getting under the covers with him. 

Then i asked confused "what are you doing?"

Dean pulled me on top of him and hugged me. 

I hid my face in the crook of his beck. 

Then i asked softly "what are you doing?"

Dean whispered "remember when we were younger and you were afraid of storms?"

Me "i still am"

Dean nodded "when dad dropped me and Sammy off at Bobby's.. there was this one time were there was a storm outside. It was brutal"

I nodded "i remember"

Dean "you woke me up and said you were scared."

I nodded "i was so scared of asking you since you were already passed out on the couch"

Dean nodded "Yeah. remember what i did?"

I nodded "you threw the mattress of my bed and to the ground next to the bed so that bedframe would shield me from the brightness of the lighting. "

Dean nodded "exactly. what did i do then?"

Me "you told me to go to try and fall asleep"

Dean "and what did you say?"

Me "that i couldn't do it. because i was scared of the lightning"

Dean nodded "so what did i do?"

Me "you sat down on the mattress leaning against the bedframe while i laid down. You pulled the covers over me and then you grabbed my hand. you said i wouldn't have to worry about anything happen to me. and when i asked you why you said that you were not going to let of my hand, you said you were going to stay awake and make sure that nothing would harm me while i was sleeping"

Dean nodded "and i stayed awake. The whole damn night. Just to make you feel safer"

 I nodded "you did. but why did we need to our clothes off again?"

Dean "body heat. To make sure your body can tell on my body heat that i am here. to give you warmth. to make sure you know that i am here."

I looked at him in tears. 

Dean put a hand on my cheek  "hey, baby, don't cry"

A tear rolled down my cheek.  

I can't tell him about what really happened in hell. I can't. 

Dean kissed the tear away "hey"

My voice cracked and i put a hand on his cheek "i missed you so much."

Dean smiled and whispered "i missed you too. now, doll, try to get some sleep"

I sighed "Dean, i just told-"

Dean "try. Just close your eyes and try. and i will know if you tried or not"

Me "and how?"

Dean "i am gonna stay awake the whole damn night"

I smiled "Really?"

He nodded "Yes, baby"

Then he kissed my forehead "now try to get some rest, baby. I love you"

I smiled and hid my face in his neck.