Underneath The Surface

...why.

They say everyone has a breaking point. Maybe this was Julian's. 37 hours since he left his room or talked to anyone. He had come back home that day after forcing Wynter to let him drop him home. Ren and Wynter had talked, gotten along. He was smiling with them and laughing. And then he came home.

He came home to find his parents talking to a representative of a catholic school. They had introduced Julian to him, telling him he didn't have to worry. Father Adams would cure him off this disease. He had just stared at them for a second and then started to laugh. It was the laughter that you hear from people when they don't know what to do anymore. When they want the world to explode into dust. When they've lost hope finally.

There were knocks on his door now. He heard Ren's voice " Julian? Jule. Let me in. Jule please...you've been in there for two days. At least come out to take a shower. You probably stink so much right now. I bet your cologne won't have an effect. I told you not to buy that one anyway. The quality is so—"

The door to Julian's room cracked open " Will you shut up if I let you in?"

Ren squeezed himself through the gap and shut the door behind him. Julian was sitting at his desk. He was a mess. His hair looked like a bird's nest and there were bags under his eyes. He looked...lost.

Julian looked up from the table at his cousin " Ren...why?"
" I don't have a fucking idea honestly Jule"

When tears fell down Julian's cheeks, Ren just stood by his side and let him cry. Because there wasn't anything anyone could say that would piece Julian back together.

Julian felt like he was already dead. Disease, was the word they had used to describe his feelings. He was disgusting. He was impure. He was disgusting because he liked men. He was disgusting because he didn't feel the need to play with a girl's heart and pretend he was straight. Was it him who was disgusting? Or was it them?

They who were forcing him to pretend. Who wanted him to bury himself and pull up a facade just to please people he didn't even care for. They wanted him to live upto their expectations when he was already dead. Every single second felt like an hour. He wanted this to end. Was it too much to ask? He wanted it to stop hurting so much. He wanted to go away somewhere far where no one would ever find him. Julian Sanders wanted to stop living.

He was aware of every breath he took in. The air burnt his dry throat and he let it burn. Maybe he deserved it. He deserved all this. Maybe he really was disgusting and perverted. Maybe he should try to get attracted to girls.

" Julian stop. You're overthinking. Don't think, at all. Okay? Don't let them mess with you" Ren whispered, his voice breaking a little.

Ren had always thought that Julian would be the one to always comfort people when they cried. He had never thought that Julian could ever break. He had always thought his cousin was some kind of inhuman creature who's demeanour and positive attitude would never change despite how much hurtful things people around him did. To see him breakdown like this made Ren want to stop believing in everything he had ever put his faith in.

" Why...Ren? Why are my feelings a disease? Why me?" Julian wailed. His cheeks were red and warm tears were streaming down his face. Sobs racked through his body and he sniffed quietly, resting his head on his desk.

" Jule...do you need a hug?" Ren asked in a low whisper.
" Fuck you. No I don't need a hug" Julian mumbled, his voice barely decipherable through the sobs.

" Okay. Come on. Offer ends in 5...4...3–Shhhh. Okay. Okay. Don't worry. Also don't make my shirt wet" he smiled patting his cousin's back gently. Julian let Ren whisper false promises into his ear. It felt nice to believe that it would all be okay. But he knew that at the end of the day nothing would be alright. Everything would change and he would have to get used to it.