Underneath The Surface

Sometimes....

Julian was suffocating. He was pretty sure he would die in about ten more minutes. He couldn't breathe. The air was just too much full of awkwardness and Julian hated it. His mother sat opposite to him and his father next to her. Ren was beside him, head bent as he chewed on his chicken nimbly. He was amused and it made Julian want to break a photo frame on his head.

" So Warren honey...do you have a girlfriend?"

His mother was the one to speak. It was an indirect jab at Julian and she was making sure he knew by throwing glances at him, pretending to be discreet about it.

Ren shook his head " No but I hope soon"

Julian tried his best to ignore his parents' fake conversation about the ideal girl for Ren. He also ignored how they put special emphasis on the word girl. He hated this. He hated all of it. He wanted to run away. He wanted to run so far away, until his legs wouldn't work anymore. He wished he could just stop existing. He wanted to dissolve into nothingness.

Julian didn't want pain. He didn't want worry. He didn't want judgement. He wanted nothing. The literal nothing.

" Julian's going through a phase right now but when he finds the right girl—"

Julian stood up. His chair toppled back and he ignored it. His eyes were focused on the woman that gave birth to him.

She looked at him, her features twisted in anger at his sudden movements " Sit down Julian"

" No." he said " No! I'm not going to sit down and try to keep quiet while you repeat those ridiculous sentences again. This is not a phase! I am gay. I'm not straight. I will never love a girl romantically and therefore I will never find the right girl because she doesn't exist. There's only the right guy for me."

" Julian...you have to understand. The society won't treat you kindly—" his dad started.

" Screw the society! I don't want to live for the society. I'll live for myself"

" That is just selfish. Everyone is born to help the society become better. You have to live for the world, not for yourself. The world—"

" The world will not get better with people with ridiculous beliefs who act like love is important but they actually stand against it. Love is love. You cannot just decide to stop loving someone and you definitely can't decide who you want to fall in love with. Loving someone is not a choice"

Julian had yelled out the last sentence so loudly that Ren had flinched. Julian stepped back slowly and then turned around. Then he ran up the stairs towards his room. He shut the door and covered himself under his blankets on the bed. He heard Ren's voice talking to his parents and then the door to his bedroom opened.

Ren walked in " Hey Jule"

Ren shut the door behind him and sat down at Julian's desk " Julian...you shouldn't have yelled"

Julian laughed humourlessly " Go away Ren...just go. Why? Why does everyone want everything to be perfect? And who the fuck decided that a man loving a man is abnormal? Why the fuck can't I go back in time and kill them?"

Warren Sanders didn't have anything to say. His cousin was always the kind of person who always talked about going back in time and setting things right. It made Warren wonder if Julian would be the one to invent a time-travelling machine. Warren didn't actually believe in making things right. You can't make things right. Ever. Because humanity had this habit of always finding hate in the most unlikely places. Humans were the most creative living beings alive and if they have nothing to hate they will create something they can hate.