All I Wanna Do | Danny Amendola

Chapter 23

I stuffed the million pamphlets the doctor gave me into the glove compartment and yanked the seatbelt so I could buckle up.

Danny opened the drivers door and slid in, not saying a word. He buckled himself in and let out a long sigh before he started the car. "Are you okay?" He asked.

I let out a small sigh and shrugged. "I will be one day," I whispered. "I haven't had a lot of time to let this soak in."

Damn near after the doctor dropped the bomb, I shut down. I only half listened as my heart broke into a million pieces. Not only did I achieve the almost impossible thing of having an embryo attach to my uterine wall, but I also lost the extremely small chance of having that baby at full term.

Danny didn't say anything. He just leaned over and grabbed ahold of my hand. The look in his brown eyes made me feel calm. Even without words he found a way to make me feel better. "Whenever you want to talk about it, I'm here," he told me. "In sickness and in health."

I nodded. "Thank you," I whispered. "I know this isn't ideal but..."

"No buts, Jamie. It's okay and we can figure things out in the future," he replied.

I pursed my lips and looked down at his hand holding mine. "Yeah... Can we Uh... Can we get home?"

"Yeah. That's probably what's best. I'm sorry... I just... Uh.... Clay and Claire would be happy for some cuddles," he mumbled before starting the car and throwing it in drive.

"Thank you, Danny," I mumbled. "I appreciate it."

His hand gripped mine a bit tighter as he began to drive. "I love you. With all my heart, babe."

When we got home, I quickly moved from the car and pushed my way into the house, where Claire and Clay were waiting for us. It was like they tried to read my mood as I took my shoes off and moved into the living room.

Neither of them paid attention to Danny as I sunk down onto the couch. They curled up on either side of me and rested their heads on my lap as I flipped the TV on.

"Do you want anything?" Danny spoke up. "Tea? Coffee? Water?" I looked over to see him standing there, tired brown eyes looking at me and hair slightly disheveled. He looked whipped. Beyond whipped.

Guilt struck me as I shook my head. "No," I mumbled. "I'm good." I let out a sigh and threw my head back as he shuffled into the kitchen.

"I'm sorry." It was barely a whisper as it came from my mouth. I was tearing him apart. He wasn't his happy self. Hell, he wasn't even himself. And he didn't care to go anywhere anymore. He didn't want to see Jules. He didn't want to hang with the guys when they asked.

I sucked in a long breath and looked down at the pups. Claire was looking back at the TV while Clay looked up at me with his big gold eyes.

"Hi Buddy," I mumbled as I scratched behind his ears. He rolled so his head was resting against my stomach and began licking my wrist.

My heart swelled. He somehow always made me feel better... No matter the situation.

My attention was pulled away as a baby crying on TV made me look up. It was a commercial about infertility.

My heart sank. Even if I did conceive again, it's not like I could ever carry. I shook my head. I shouldn't have been so bothered by a baby I didn't want.

A few tears pulled down my face as the commercial ended and moved onto the movie that was on. I shook my head again as I stood and moved quickly down the hall and into the bedroom.

I closed the door and plopped onto the bed where I ran my hands through my hair and pulled at it, hard. Tears kept falling.

I killed our baby girl. I killed her. I deserved to be thrown in jail. I killed my baby girl. I should've been more careful. I should've known. I should've been a better mom.

I should have wanted her. I shouldn't have been so afraid to have a baby. I shouldn't have been so scared. And I shouldn't have wished it upon myself to never have kids.

Danny would never admit that I did it to myself... Or is in general. But he knew it was me. He probably spent nearly every minute blaming me. I couldn't give him what he wanted.

As I attempted to calm myself, I moved so I was lying on the bed with my head on Danny's pillow. His scent always calmed me. My tears stopped falling and soon I was left with only sniffles, staring ahead at the picture of us at our wedding.

We looked so happy. But we didn't know then... That I was pregnant. That I was in the process of ruining our baby girl's lif-...

"Jame?" Danny's soft voice asked as he popped his head in. The light from the hallway flowed in.

I stayed still, my eyes still locked on our photo. God that smile of his. She was probably going to have that charming smile. I'd always thought our children would have it. I always thought his genes would be so much stronger than mine and we'd just make duplicates of him.

Only I couldn't. My body wouldn't let that happen.

The bed sank behind me as Danny's scent became so much stronger. His hot breath was on the back of my neck as one of his strong arms moved up and held me to him. I relaxed as my body leaned into his.

"I'm sorry," Danny whispered. His stubble tickled the back of my neck.

I pursed my lips and grabbed the hand he had resting on my stomach. "Why are you sorry?" I asked. I furrowed my brows as I looked back at our picture.

"I shouldn't have made you feel so pressured to have a baby," he mumbled. "I know you weren't ready."

"It's not that I didn't want any," I replied in a low voice. "I just... It's a mental block. And..." I let out a sigh and rolled over so I was facing him.

Watery brown eyes were looking back at me. I moved my hand up and cupped his stubbled cheek. "God, I wish we could've had her. It didn't matter that I wasn't ready. She would've been a miracle. And you deserve that. You deserve to have a child. You deserve a family."

"So do you," Danny mumbled. "But if having her meant putting you at a high risk of death...." he visibly swallowed as he took a second. "I'd take you over a baby any day."

Tears began pulling from my eyes again. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I fucked us over. I didn't want kids and now I can't have any."

He moved so his hand was cupping the back of my head and held me against his chest. "Hey... it's oka-ay..." His voice cracked at the end as he began crying. "It's not your fault."

A kiss was pressed to my hair.

"I love you," he mumbled as he held me tighter. "We will make this through."

My heart cracked a bit. Having a family was one of his biggest dreams. Maybe bigger than football. And that seemed like such a big sacrifice.

"I'm s-so... So sorry, Da-anny." I couldn't help but sob into his chest.

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