Shameless

Just Do It

He landed at the airport having barely slept in two nights, his head swimming with every conversation, every tear, every hurt look from the past days. Everything would change, and the only coherent thought he had at this point was that he had to talk to Stevie before the show. It was five hours until it started, so he knew she would still be in her room. Problem was he had no idea which hotel. He tried calling her again, with no answer. Again. He knew she hardly used to keep her phone with her, but had figured, given the circumstances, she might keep an eye on it. If nothing else, Karen used to keep watch and tell her. Karen. He finally realized he had to suck it up and call her, mentally preparing for whatever onslaught would come as he pressed her name.

Twenty minutes later he stood in front of her door, nervous. He knew he had made the right decision, but his heart still raced as he knocked.

Can you live without her?

There was no answer. He quickly realized that given the events of the past days, she probably wasn't in the mood to answer someone randomly knocking on her door. "Stevie!" he called "It's me!" as he knocked again, more and more intently. Finally, the door swung open. There she was. In her robe, hair a mess, face drawn, eyes puffy. So gorgeous.

No

He rushed forward, not giving her a chance to say a word as he engulfed her little body in his arms. He felt her relax into him with a sigh "You've been crying" he stated as he kissed her. She suddenly tensed and backed away, eyes not meeting his. "Don't do this" "Do what?" "I know why you're here. Don't prolong it. Don't pretend. Just do it."

"Do what?" "I get it. We fucked up, and you need to be a husband and father. All the time. You've had to choose because no way will she accept you being anywhere near me alone while married to her. She won't accept your lover as long as you make it discreet anymore"

"She won't, no." He stated while studying her. The way she acted scared him.

Can you live without me?

"So, this is it" words barely out as tears filled her eyes and her whole body seemed to crumple. He once again rushed forward, pulling her into his arms, ignoring her protests. "Look, you're right I had to choose" "And you chose her! I get it, I do. This is your family, they're what's important here. That's why you've been with her since everything happened. But please, don't drag this out. Don't be sweet. Don't hold me, it hurts. Just say it" She straightened and stared into his eyes, obviously spending every ounce of effort to keep from crying, to keep her dignity as she awaited his words.

Can you imagine a life without me the way you can't imagine a life without her?

"Stevie, no" He had no idea how she had made this assumption without even talking to him, but it broke his heart knowing how she must have been hurting since he left. "Listen. It finally dawned on me. She's pretty perfect you know. Somehow, I ended up with this for all intents and purposes perfect wife. She gave me three children, creating a bond literally in flesh and blood, we've raised them together, spent years together. I can talk to her, she supports me in everything, we rarely fight" "I don't want to hear this" she exclaimed, pushing away, but he barged ahead as he grabbed her, forcing her to meet his eyes again "And it doesn't matter!"

"Can you imagine a life without me the way you can't imagine a life without her?"

He couldn't bring himself to reply, tears already forming. She shook her head, breath shaking "God, this is happening"

"I'm so sorry" "You're perfect you know. So kind, smart and beautiful. Any guy with his head screwed on straight shouldn't be able to answer that question any way but no"

"But not you"

He saw the confusion in those big brown eyes. "All those things don't matter. In the end, she's not you. And in the end, I only need you, i only see you." He couldn't help himself anymore and brought his lips down to hers for a desperate kiss, wishing to heal her pain, to show her how he loved her. "Doesn't matter how difficult, how hard, how it hurts. It's always going to be you. And I can't keep pretending anymore"

"But, I saw you kiss her, saw you tell her you love her!" "What? Where?" "In your room, after the show. Then you just fucking went and disappeared with her!" If she was self-conscious over having eavesdropped, she didn't show it. Her behavior suddenly made sense. "Stevie. Do you really know what you saw?"

"But not you"

"I..." "Love her" she finished for him "There never really was any room in there for me was there?" she said, hand on his chest "It always belonged to her", face scrunching up in tears. He gently cupped the side of her face, both now crying. "I love you" he said, and gently kissed her. Their foreheads and noses touching. "I know" she whispered as they kissed again, not really wanting to end it. Both knowing it was their last. "Just not enough."