Shameless

Be Honest

The door to his room closed behind him, and he knew the silence, which while uncomfortable, was preferable to the conversation he knew would come. Kristen had suddenly appeared at his dressing room, and immediately insisted they go back to his hotel, refusing any attempt at apology or conversation until they got there.

“Kristen, I…” he started as they stood on the floor in silence. “You what? Got anything new from the last time we had this talk?” Her voice was impossible to read, but there was no mistaking the red and puffy eyes. “I’m sorry” he said, knowing how hollow it had to sound, as he stood there awkwardly, knowing that nothing he could say would make it better. “Three weeks without her, and you couldn’t even make it a fucking day with her” she finally exploded, her previously unnaturally calm demeanor shattered. “Not just less than a day, you couldn’t keep your hands off her during a goddamn interview! I asked you one thing, not to flaunt it, and you go and do this? What happened after the interview, fuck her in the bathroom straight after with everyone waiting around for you?” “No!” He knew he didn’t have much to defend himself with, but at least he would deny when he could. “Look, we messed up but what you saw is what happened. We went straight to sound check and the show”  “Wow Lindsey, am I supposed to be touched you waited till the hotel after? Though I guess I should be all things considered.” He simply stared ahead, and she read him like a book: “Oh, you didn’t wait did you? Let me guess, dressing room?” He closed his eyes, neither able to lie nor look at her as he heard the hitch in her voice when she realized what his silence meant. When he finally opened his eyes again she was staring at him, eyes full of tears. He instinctively rushed forward and tried to touch her face but she instantly slapped his hand away “Don’t touch me” she bit out, no longer looking at him. “Sorry” was again all he could say.

A long silence followed while she sat down and tried to collect herself. “Three weeks. That’s it. Three fucking weeks, and the two of you act like you’ve been separated for a year. I always knew Lindsey that you were hardly faithful while touring, but I thought you were when home” “I have been” he tried, knowing it was close enough to the truth. “Then explain how you can’t go even three weeks without her. How could you possibly have been faithful over the years when you routinely supposedly don’t see each other for months? Just how big of a fool have I been here?” “I have been…mostly” He knew she wouldn’t be appeased by half-truths as she crossed her arms and stared at him, a challenge to tell her the truth. Problem was, he didn’t know what the truth was, not anymore anyway. “Look, lately it’s just been different, somehow. I don’t know” he stumbled in an attempt to explain. “Do you love her?” The sudden question startled him, causing him to fall back on old habits of answering “Well, of course I do, I’ve known her since I was sixteen, we’ve been through…” “Don’t. Do you love her? Actually don’t answer, I know it already. Just tell me, why me, not her?” “What?” “Why are you married with me? You two had all the time in the world, and even after we had the kids, I mean, it’s hardly unheard of for parents to split up, they would have adapted. So why did you stay with me. Why not return to her fully and spare us all from this charade?” “Because it’s too difficult” As brutal of an honest answer he ever could give he knew. “And I’m easy? That’s’ why we’re married?”  “No! Honey, you’re my family, mother of my children, and I love you. You gave me the life I wanted.  We’ve been happy.” “Yeah. We have” Her voice full of sadness. As she continued he heard her voice breaking “You know I’m not proud of this, but I would have kept pretending if only you’d let me. Why couldn’t you let me keep pretending? Why is it so hard all of a sudden to not act like a fucking idiot around her? For me, for the kids?” “Do you think I haven’t asked myself these questions so many times my head spins?” he retorted too quickly. “You do not get to be snippy with me!” her voice suddenly sharp as a knife.

“Look, we, no I, can’t go on like we have. You’ve ruined that forever. So I need you to be honest, I deserve it. After everything you’ve done, you owe me. Can you live without her?” He looked ahead, fully well knowing the answer, not able to form the word. “Lindsey” she finally implored.

“No”

“Can you live without me? Forget the kids, forget our family. Me. Can you imagine a life without me the way you can’t imagine a life without her?”

Thank you all for sticking with this story. Had to end this chapter a bit before I originally intended, but as this, and the next, is a bit heavy on dialogue, they have been a bit difficult to write. Decided to split it up and finish this part, so that I could post something today at least. Will try to get the next part up as soon as I can!