Shameless

Talk to me

Never more thankful her dressing room was in the opposite direction from his, Stevie quickly pivoted and let Karen lead her to relative safety, away from the undoubtedly furious wife. At a standstill once inside, she had no idea what to do  now that her single goal, to find Lindsey, had been thwarted. She told Karen to leave her alone. Usually, she adored her assistant. Right now however, she knew Karen wouldn’t be able to hold in comments regarding her, or especially Lindsey, for too long, and she couldn’t deal with that right now. Karen nodded and gave her a quick hug as she simply stated “Look, you know I think you, both of you, have been acting like morons, but I know you love him. And that, no matter his faults, he loves you. I’m so sorry this happened.” Stevie looked at her surprised before Karen continued “Though ‘this happening’ could have been avoided had you two just acted like you had at least one brain between you. Ok, I’ll go now”

Stevie sat alone, her thoughts everywhere else. She didn’t want to still be here, yet she didn’t want to  leave, didn’t want to face anyone, especially her. ‘What was he saying to her? What was he thinking?’ She wanted to talk to him badly, scenario after scenario playing in her mind. Most ended in tears. She didn’t even notice that her door had opened, and Christine had entered. “The passage is clear” she announced, startling Stevie from her own thoughts. “What?” “It’s safe to go out of this room, they’re gone. Left together quickly after she found him.” Christine seemed to look for a reaction, before joking “As far as we know he’s still alive” Stevie simply stared at her nails, not really wanting to hear about how he had left with his wife. “Too soon? Look darling, I’m not here to judge. I’m hardly in the position given some of my previous actions. Just talk to me, will you? Quiet Stevie is scary” “What’s to say? I fucked a married man. Again. It ended badly. Again.” She felt tears fill her eyes and quickly wiped them, turning away so Christine wouldn’t see.  “You’re allowed to cry you know” the concern in Christine’s voice was the last straw, tears now running down her cheeks. “No I’m not” she finally sniffled, and looked up as Christine sat down next to her and put her arm around her. “I’m not the wife who just got pretty publicly betrayed. Nor am I the husband who risks losing his family. They’re allowed to cry. I’m not.” “Stop that”. Christine turned, and grabbed Stevie’s face before continuing. “First of all, 'the man’ risks losing his wife, not family, because of what he himself did. What he chose to do, knowing the consequences.” “I know you think you’re helping, but you're not” “Look, what I’m getting at is I know this is more for you than simply some married man you fucked. And you’re so much more to him than some piece on the side.” Her voice softened as she continued. "The two of you, you have something. I have never been able to figure it out. It's something so beyond beautiful, yet something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. All I know is that you will never be able to be completely apart. I’ve seen you try. A lot. Always ends the same. And please don’t think I’m excusing what you did, but I was hardly surprised is what I’m saying. And you’re allowed to be upset, or hurt, or scared, or, I don’t know...feelings. I’m not a bloody shrink” Stevie just stared at her for a while before replying “You already knew, didn’t you?” “Yeah. You never did master the art of being discreet darling, neither of you, especially around each other” “Have been told that before” Stevie replied quietly. “To be honest, I found it mostly amusing. I mean,  you guys just never change. The world could collapse around you, and all you two would see is each other. Probably trying to figure out how to blame the other one, but still.” Christine chuckled and reached out to tuck away strand of Stevie’s hair .“ I’ll never know how you two idiots can be like this in your sixties. Still acting like bloody fucking teenagers. It was one thing the original go-round, and then again during the reunion. That was, in hindsight, pretty unavoidable. But it’s been sixteen years since, that’s  your entire adult lives at this point. A lifetime of, whatever you two are, I can’t even imagine that.” “Well, guess you know what they say about old dogs” “Old horny dogs.” “Christine!” Stevie choked back a shocked laugh as she hit her friend with the nearest pillow. “Well, the only relationship I’ve had that has lasted that long is with my hairstyle, so I’ve got to ask, does it still feel the same?” Stevie didn’t even have to think before answering “Yeah” allowing herself the first proper smile since the news had  broken. “I mean, believe it or not, we’re a little calmer, but I still get those butterflies when he touches me you know. Or when i look into those eyes” Christine simply shook her head and smiled  “God Stevie, what if you’d known at thirty that a good thirty-five years later you’d be just as hung up on the guy you just dumped” “I’d probably throw myself off the nearest bridge” Stevie flat out laughed at this point and put her head in her hands. It was good to finally talk about her and Lindsey to someone who wasn’t telling her how selfish or stupid she had been. She knew she acted like a selfish fool with him. Always had. Never cared really, but still. It was nice not to be told right now. She looked up at Christine full of appreciation “Sorry that we brought our drama into your life again, know you were pretty sick of it last time.”  “Nah, turned out life’s a little boring without it” Christine smiled and wiped Stevie’s tears.

“Ready to leave this little shawl-cave of yours?” “No. I don’t want to face everyone, knowing they all probably have seen that video.” “Not just probably darling” “Not helping” “You’re able to sit here with me, and I’ve seen it. Pretty hot and heavy, I must say”  “Oh my god! I forgot you saw that thing. How much did you see?” Stevie again mortified. “All of it. I’m impressed. That was some horny teenage groping. Who knew you could still want it that bad in your sixties?” “Christine, stop it” Not deterred, Stevie had to listen as she continued with glee “Not to mention, already five minutes in, I’m sure your mouth was more his saliva than your own” “Ha fucking ha. Now quit it.” “And little miss too prudish to talk about sex? Your hands sure traveled fast enough downstairs on him. Those jeans of his had to hurt” “Chris!” “Swear, for a moment I was sure you’d actually end up doing it on the floor. You really should give Karen a raise you know” “Stop it!” Stevie was shouting at this point, but as Christine broke into an infectious laugh, Stevie could do nothing but join, face no doubt beet red as she covered it in her hands. “That’s it, I’m moving to the North Pole, won’t have to face anyone there”  “Oh darling, you’re cute if you think I haven’t seen or heard you two do worse than that before” Christine snickered. Stevie decided to ignore the last part, no interest in hearing the details. “I’m serious though. All the stares and whispers, I can’t take it” “Stares and whispers? Hardly new is it. Never known you to shy away from the attention before” “Not the same thing” “Fine. Yet, hardly the first time your love life has made you target for attention. Hell, hardly the first time your love life with this particular man has done it.” “I guess I just didn’t think people would still see me as a homewrecker in my sixties.” “Well, he’s the one with the vows” “And I don’t want people to see him like that either! He’s not some cliché rocker, fucking every 20-year old left and right” “I know” she said softly. “Look, honestly,  it’s hard to feel too sorry for either of you. You both knew what you were doing At some point, you both must have decided it was worth it. That you being together felt better than how bad this right now feels.” “And what if he realizes that decision was wrong?” Christine paused for an uncomfortable amount of time, looking at Stevie as if she was weighing her words carefully.  “That is the one thing he’ll never do”.    

Christine’s last words were on a constant loop as Stevie was driven back to the hotel. The same hotel Lindsey  stayed in.  She had no idea if Kristen was stil there. She knew they had left the venue almost immediately, and assumed this was where they had gone. She found herself on his floor, staring intently on the door where she had spent last night with him, keys still in her purse. Oh, how things had changed in a few hours. She had been so blissful, so content and happy. Now, everything was spinning out of control, her insides nothing but chaos. Talking with Christine had helped a bit, but now she was back to reality. The increase of photographers outside the venue had made sure of that. She knew, that with everything out in the open, nothing would stay the same. Kristen would make him choose. Stevie or his marriage, a choice she knew he never had to properly make before. Would she even stand a chance? Did she want to? With his marriage came a family. With her came uncertainty, zero stability, no promise they would last. She knew their story, their nature, too well. She felt herself both helplessly drawn to the door, as well as fighting the urge to run away as fast as her feet could carry her. She had no idea what would face her when she finally talked to him, nor how she herself would react.

Stevie heard muted voices as she stood in the entrance. Kristen still there then. She really should leave, let them talk in private she thought as she approached silently. There they were, Kristen on the couch with him sitting on a chair straight in front of her. Kristen’s hand on his chest, him stroking her cheek. “I love you” his voice traveled to where Stevie stood, the tenderness in it shattered her. Neither noticed her, as they leant in for a kiss. It didn’t seem to end. The tears in her eyes blurred her vision, as she backed out of the room and quietly closed the door, heavy sobs erupting. He had chosen. And it wasn’t her.