Shameless

Of Hidden Patterns

*Just a quick thanks for all the nice words, along with a warning that this chapter is rather exposition-heavy, with close to zero action. Felt it was necessary to get the story to where I want it.* 

“Oh just say it!”. It had only been about twenty seconds since they got in the car, but Stevie was already feeling the silent judgment coming from her assistant. “Seriously Stevie, what could I possibly say that you haven’t been ignoring  for years already? ” At a loss, Stevie had no proper reply and simply shrugged. “How long have you known?” “ This time?”  “What does that mean?”  “Oh come on Stevie. If you want, I’ll be your perfect assistant and not mention anything, though I reserve a right to keep rolling my eyes, but if you want to talk about it, at least don’t bullshit me. This time. You know damn well what I mean”.  Stevie paused for a second, before stating, in so dropping any pretense “Fine. This time.” “Oh, I’ve had my suspicions since the middle of October. You guys were so annoyed at each other, I knew there was only a matter of opportunity before you two idiots stumbled back into bed… Yes you are that predictable” she finished at Stevie’s indignant expression. “Then, when you started being all whispering and giggling and ‘oh-aren’t-we-discreet’ I knew you were at it again. Though, to be honest, this time, I wasn’t ever really convinced you were over. Like really over. Well, you two kind of over anyway. The way you usually are before the next go-round”.

The car pulled into the driveway before Karen could continue , and Stevie took the opportunity to end the conversation, quickly entering her home for the first time in weeks. She immediately found her bed and pulled up her journal, Karen’s last words still running through her head. There were some truth to them. Something she’d been trying to ignore for a while now, but now found herself desperately trying to journal them out.

Usually, the one thing she loved when they played in LA, was the opportunity to be home and surrounded by her own things again. But home didn’t feel as comfortable as usual. Home. He was home too. Home with her. Nothing new of course, same thing every LA show. How she felt about it depended on a lot of things. This time it bothered her. More than usual. She would never begrudge his kids time with their father, but his kids wasn’t what bothered her.

He would sleep with her. She knew. Of course he would. They were married, and this was the first time he was home in…she tried to swat the train of thought away. Didn’t matter. They never let their relationship get in the way of his family life, of his marriage. Never used to, anyway.

Karen was right of course. “This time” she snickered at herself. Yeah, they really were that predictable, she just figured they weren’t that obvious about it.  Ever since the middle of the 90’s they had been locked in a pattern. Well, if she was honest with herself it really started when they first broke up, they just had a proper break in the middle. Fighting-angry sex-more fighting- more sex- actually getting along- even more sex, followed by a fight that didn’t end in sex. Rinse and repeat. Didn’t matter who else they were involved with. She briefly wondered if Mick knew about that particular detail of band history.

When he became a father, it was supposed to change. They tried, truly. Gave themselves the time before Will was born to cram a lifetime of love in a few blissful months, assuming they would combust on their own well before Will actually saw the light of day. It worked, somewhat. For a while anyway. A few missteps, naturally, but what could you expect?. Then they felt confident enough to record and tour together again, and fell right into their usual predictable pattern. It became a kind of silent knowledge between them, somehow excusing what they did, even as he became a married father of three. They loved each other, they knew that. Lindsey truly loved her, not Kristen, she knew that. They just weren’t able to make it work long term. So he had his family to give him the life he needed, the life he and Stevie couldn’t make work together. Stevie had his heart, Kristen had his life. So what if they spent the nights on the road together, when Lindsey couldn’t be with his family anyway? They knew it would end on its own, no real threat to his family. Tempers, stubbornness and jealousy would see to that. Always did. Just as love and desire led them straight back to each other. There would be the usual period of trying to resist, when  still hurt feelings and pride from the last time they ended things were lingering. A period clearly marked by annoyance, she laughingly thought. Still, at some point, one or both of them would make the first move, and they would be back to the beginning, knowing fully well that this time too it would end in anger and tears.  Might as well enjoy themselves while it lasted. They deserved that. She deserved that. When he was home, he was home.  An amazing father and husband. He was only hers when touring. That was all they could have, and frankly, all had been able to have for the past twenty years. They may have found a night here and there over the years in between, when the longing was too much, or their paths otherwise crossed,  but they would always go back to separate lives. Their relationship always behind doors, in the shadow,  never crossing with reality.  “Time within a time, world within a world” Oh for fucks sake, now she was quoting him! She put down her journal. So why did it feel different now?

Karen was right. They hadn’t been over. People might not know when they were 'on’, but everyone knows when they are over. During the last tour, they had gotten along so well. Still the usual fights, but she never wanted to kill him. Not for longer than maybe a day anyway. Where those fights previously would pile up, until finally everything exploded, this time they had talked, laughed at how stupid they were, and they had simply loved. Doors were slammed, but they were opened straight back up. This time, when she was so frustrated she could cry, she was still confident that she loved him and he her, and that those feelings would easily win out over some petty fight. And then, John got sick. She felt the tears forming at the thought. John was going to be fine, but they had all been shattered to the core. Invincible. That’s how they’d seen themselves. Once they gotten through the debauchery that was the 70’s and 80’s, what could possibly hurt them? She and Lindsey had made love that night. Usually she hated that phrase, but there were no other words for it. Both clinging on for dear life, both pretending any tears were for John. Constantly parting ways is so much easier when you know you’ll always find your way back. But if it would stop. If he were suddenly not there… She couldn’t bring herself to think about it anymore now than she did back then. The thought that there would be a future with no them… “Impossible” she wiped her tears. And that’s how they had ended last year. The tour was suddenly over, and they went back to their separate lives. No fight. No relief that she didn’t have to put up with him anymore. Just a renewed sense of not wanting to let the other go, and a longing so intense it hurt. Neither quite knew how to handle this new situation they found themselves in. Being  'off’ when they hadn’t ended it their usual way. They had met a couple of times, and everything had been rather awkward. One minute comfortably being together, the other minute suddenly remembering that they weren’t supposed to do this now. They weren't supposed to be them. For the first time in years, they didn’t know where they had each other. They had both thrown themselves into work, she attaching herself to Dave, he to Christine. Finally, they got their fight. And then they found their pattern again. At least they thought so, but it was different. Good different, just so much more complicated. She was just wondering how she felt about that, how he felt about it, as her phone rang.