Shameless

It Just has to be Enough

Stevie was expecting his call, yet she hesitated to answer, not sure if she was ready to hear what he had to say. Karen had silently left a magazine, flipped over to the page in question. She didn’t know how bad it was. It didn’t say anything too revealing really, but it still left her with an uneasy feeling.

It had been a few days since she had woken up that morning, feeling the effects of a lot of things. Cursing age for her decreased alcohol tolerance, she had also sensed a certain pleasant soreness that she welcomed. Burying her head in the pillows she could smell him. She wished he was still there with her, but as the flashbacks to the previous night had increased: their behavior on the dancefloor, sneaking out, what in no way had been quiet sex, so had her awareness of just how many had been present in the house. When Karen hadn’t said a word or rolled a single eye, and no other reaction came, she had figured they, through dumb sheer luck had gotten away with it. It sure as hell hadn’t been their own doing. Now, as she looked at the magazine, all things considered, it was laughably innocent. And yet.

“She knows” her stomach suddenly uncomfortably heavy, throat tight “She knows what?” “Everything, I think. Certainly our activities at the party” his voice was oddly resigned. “She got all that from a tabloid?” “No, I guess we weren’t as clever as we thought. To be honest, I got the impression she’s known for a long time. This, was just the infamous drop”.

“How many do you think know? How many caught us sneaking away? Or worse?” panic creeping into her voice. “No one who weren’t looking for it I think, I mean, how many of those present would be able to keep it quiet? Hardly the most subtle bunch”.  Point taken, her panic still remained “What should we do?” “I think we just have to be more careful” he stated, in Stevie’s mind clearly not properly assessing the situation “Careful? She already knows! How the fuck are we ever supposed to be careful enough after that?” There was no part of her that wanted continue with what she was about to say, but if he wouldn’t say the obvious, she just had to “Maybe this is supposed to be it for us” barely controlling her voice as she said it “We can’t possibly go on like we have…”

“Damn it Stevie!” he quickly interrupted  “I can’t! I just can’t not be with you, you know that. Maybe it’s that easy for you to let us go, but I fucking can’t do it” “Don’t you dare!” she screamed “I’m not the one married to someone else!” While relieved at his quick rejection of her suggestion, throwing it back in her face thoroughly pissed her off.

“Well you sure were quick in suggesting that we end things. I sure as hell won’t do it, so if you want to, you have to do it yourself. Guess you have the experience” his words stung harder that they had any right to. “Think this is about me wanting to let you go, to get away from us? Fuck you Lindesy! But yeah, I do have experience in these kinds of situations, and when everything falls apart, they always choose the wife, the marriage. Always. You’re the only one who would destroy me with that choice though, but that doesn’t make a difference. Always the mistress, never the wife. Except the once of course. I’ve learned my fucking place in this” Her words barely coherent at this point. She didn’t care.

“Don’t say that!”

“It’s true, no ring, no vows, no reason for you…”

“Not my doing!” he snapped, before continuing in a calmer manner “You know damn well that mistress doesn’t even come close to what you are to me” Summoning the courage to bring it up, her voice too calmed, her throat refusing to keep it steady “Then what am I?”.  A long silence followed.  “I don’t know. You… You’re my Stevie. I cant…aren’t we past definitions at this point?” Stevie couldn’t find the words to reply, feeling the lump in her throat growing. “Fine, then what am I to you?” he shot back when the silence had gone on for what seemed an eternity. Having the question thrown back at her made it obvious just how impossible it was to find a satisfying  answer. Finally, in defeat, she could give him no other than the one he himself had offered her “I guess you’re my Lindsey” she paused a bit before continuing “And I can’t lose you either. Never”

They were both breathing shakily, she tried to compose herself and could tell he was doing the same. She wanted him to hold her, kiss her, tell her they would remain. That they wouldn’t change. But all she had of him was his disembodied voice through a cold phone. Still, right then, that voice was everything to her.

“Look, as long as we just try to be a bit more careful. Reestablish whatever boundaries that has worked in the past. We’ve been doing this for years, things have just gotten a bit muddled lately” he obviously tried to reason, tried to make everything ok. She obliged: “Yeah, muddled… Guess we’ve let reality take a bit of a backseat to our fantasy” “Gee, you should be a poet” he replied amused “Oh, there will be a song. Don’t worry though, I’ll cloak it up my usual way” “And everyone will still know it’s about me” “Would you want in any other way?” she smiled already knowing the answer “Never” his voice so earnest, so soft, it was too easy to forget what they were really talking about.

“You know, she even accused me of doing this on purpose” he said, steering them back to the topic “Doing what on purpose?” “Whatever we’ve been doing lately. She accused me of wanting to get caught, wanting her to end the marriage” Her heartbeat quickened, chest tightened “Did you?” “No” He answered a little too quickly. As he continued, she could hear the hesitation in his voice, “I mean, I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been thinking about us, what that would be like, but that’s nothing new” Curiosity made her question escape her lips before she had the chance to stop it “And?” “You know, we’re two people in this relationship, why don’t you tell me if you ever think about it?” he retorted “This time, I believe I was the one who asked first”. He chuckled “Fair enough. I don’t know though, I mean…there’s a reason we’ve never gotten properly back together” “Yeah. We know what works, and what doesn’t” her heart sinking as she spoke the words out loud. He finished her thought “And we don’t work, not beyond what we’ve had anyway. Simple as that” he sounded as dejected as she felt. “I guess, all it is, is we’ve gotten a bit overconfident about everything” she said, not really sure she believed it herself “That does sound like us” he agreed. Oh, they had both gotten good at pretending over the years. “We just need to lay a bit low. Maybe not talk to or see each other until we’re back on tour. It’s three weeks, we’ve gone months, if not years before. This shouldn’t be a problem. Then we’ll be back on tour, and we’ll return to normal, just maybe a bit more discreet” “Until we break before Europe” already dreading the prospect  “Well, who knows. History any indication, we won’t be able to stand the sight of each other by then”. He was obviously trying to bring some levity to the conversation. Stevie could tell on the tone of his voice he wasn’t  even fooling himself.

Him belonging to someone else, only having him in secret and in short periods, never letting it go beyond that, it was no longer enough she knew with a pang deep within. Well it just had to be she thought as she pushed away what she really wanted to tell him: ‘I’ll miss you’ ‘Come over, stay’, ‘I don’t want to lose us’. Instead, she settled on the only thing she could say  “I guess I’ll see you on the plane then”, quickly trying to get off the phone before her tears got too obvious in her voice. “Stevie!” his voice desperate as she was about to put down the phone. “Yeah?” “I love you” Whatever defenses she had put up were shattered “I love you too” she managed to squeeze out before hanging up. Curling up on the bed, tears flowing freely, she wished for nothing more than his arms surrounding her.