I became numb, after the PTSD their was no way to survive it otherwise.... I became good at realized my trigger even when I didn't realize what was happening.... I know deep down something was causing it to happen.... And, if I avoided certain thing it didn't seem to happen at all.... Being numb can have it own risked, I didn't realized I was slowly sink into deep depression.... Then one day, I find lighting in bottle.... My cousin announced she was pregnant.... I don't know, why it made me so happy it was like something told me.... That the baby would change everything I know of life and love.... All through the pregnancy I did everything, I could do to make her happy.... It was like invisible force pulled me to this unborn child, telling me it was my only chance at happiness....  I always wanted to be loved yet I never allowed it in.... When I held K for the first time, I know what conditional love was, despite her being couple of day old. I loved her like she was my own.... For three months, I was happier then I ever known before in my life.... If my cousin needed me to take care of her, I did it without hesitation.... If my mother told  me their were coming to visit then all through the day.... Nothing could stop me from smiling just counting the minute until I could see her.... It was like seeing the sun when you only ever know darkness.... When I lost her, it truly broke me.... It was like part of me died with her, when I find out. Could comprehend what happened one moment she was here the next day she was gone. My faith has been shaken in the past like when my cousin was murdered but never to the point I truly lost faith.... But, that day I cruse god demanded to know what reason did he have to justify take her.... Demanded to know who decided he had the power to play with are lives.... Not once considered what take her would do to us.... In the past I want to die to stop the pain, to find some type of peace even when I know deep down it was anything but real.... But losing her shattered my will to live.... I was lost to the world, nothing matter, no one matter cause I was only shell waiting to die.... In the past, my responsibility or family keep me alive.... I would give and give leave only enough to barely keep me alive.... Trying everything to lessen everyone else load, cause I know they couldn't do it alone.... I did everything to hide ever one of my problems  cause, I didn't want them to worry when they had enough with their own to also deal with mine. Everytime I thought of dying they would drag me back like soul chains....  Screaming I need to save them, how could I be selfish to only think about my own pain.... For years, this chained keep me alive despite wanting to die.... But, the chains didn't matter cause I had nothing to give anymore.... I no longer care, to lessen their pain cause I was broken and didn't want to be fix.... See one day, will I held K I asked her if she be jealous if I was to give my love to someone else.... Cause that same pulled I feel when she was in her mother womb.... I felt toward, the unborn child in my little  sister belly.... I joke, that no matter what I love her more, cause she was the first.... But, after I lost k, avoid L cause I know she had the power to save me.... I felt like I was somehow betrayed K by being happy.... How could, I act like K meant nothing and replace with L.... I did everything to avoid her to guard my heart from letting her in. Days and months when by and my mother need me to help her take care of L. She guilty me into helping her cause of her age, say she was to old to take care newborn alone.... At three months, I help take of L.... But don't think I let her into my heart.... I help and did my part, but spend no more time then I needed to feed her or change her.... She was one years old  when, I let her in only cause somehow she sneak into my heart without realizing it. One day she asked if I was OK, I said nothing and tried to ignore her the best I could.... But, she was one stubborn little baby cause she didn't give up. She keep hug me, and asked if I was OK.... For days she hug me and asked the same question.... Until one day, she hug me unsteady stand their, I found myself hug her back. And, again she asked if I was OK.... I remember tell myself no but maybe one day I would get their.... After let her in, couldn't help but love her.... She truly is pure soul that only  know how to make others happy.... Keep writing cause I refuse to darken her light with my black view of the world.... Cause that exactly what each of my demons did to me. They twisted my soul until, all that could survive was the darkness.... I can't even talk to strangers cause my first thought are they dangerous.... If they try anything destroy them, cause nothing going to endanger her.... I overprotect her, according to my family and child can't thrive without the sun.... I can't dim her lights,  just cause I'm trying to keep her safe.... I have no right, to force that kind of life on to her.... For years, I try to find middle ground were I could keep her safe and she would still be able to stay ignorance bliss.... Recently my sister move out, after take are of L for five years.... I being forced to stand on my own, to face my demons on my own cause in the past i work to better myself to protect L from the splash back.... But, now I have to do it for me.... Cause, for the first time, Im alone with my thought.... I have no fire to put out, no kid's to help raise.... At the beginning I believe I was losing L cause my sister is seriously fuck Up.... If she doesn't want you in her child life she cut ties no matter how it effects the kids.... Dealing with her is like balance on high rope without safe net.... At any moment you know you could fell and lost everything.... I realized that was only faking being OK.... Cause the thought of not being able to protect L or losing her broke me.... I realized that I had a lot of work ahead to safe myself.... Not for L or anyone else but cause I couldn't stay the same.... I need to started living for myself, I need to learn to be happy by myself.... Cause, I been just surviving but no really living.... Yes, I love L and feel happy when she around, but their day she not around and I have no idea what she doing. On those day, I fight the urge to pick up the phone or go to her house just to see if she safe.... The worry kills me, slowly every dark situation  that could happen to her play in my head.... And, it doesn't help, my sister remain me daily her neighborhood is dangerous.... Seriously, ever  other day she telling something that stop my heart... Three  attempts to kidnapping a child or she believe some break into her apartment.... Or, trying to break into apartment, like on Halloween she saw as creepy ass van disguised as Chick-fil-A follow group of little kids trying to trick or treat.... She called the company and describe the van and they told her that it wasn't one of their....  The driver and the passage had ski masked over their heads. She was on the balcony, watching them.... She called me  and told me, cause she was scared.... I asked her if the kids were OK, and she said they stop following them after the kids merged  with a group of adults that were crossing the street.... Then the same van went around the apartments complex a couple of time and eventually left after some time.... Seriously over here trying not to kill myself with worry and this didn't help one bit...

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