Shade's Of Life

PTSD

"Another bad dream, I swear.... I don't understand why you continue watching zombie movies"

Trying to slow down my racing heart, breathe in and out....

Remember it was only a dream....

Wishing for peace, from this hellish dream plaguing at my subconscious mind....

I'm destined to die, without knowing how it tastes to truly be free....

Scared of the memory, I keep hidden from myself....

I'm scared of trusting the wrong person, afraid they won't hesitate to add on to my exiting pain....

"Won't it be easier, just to end it all"

I'm numb or I'm broken, perhaps I'm both depending on the time....

Grim tries to play, it song of the died wanting to lure me into it loving hold....

Tell me what right, do I have to abandon my pain, just to see them smile....

Choosing to be numb, before adding another nail to my coffin....

"I'm fine, I'm safe.... Nothing can hurt me now. Fight it don't allow it to take from"

The mantras, repeat over and over for years trying to drive away the flashback's....

Why must I be punished, for being a survivor wasn't I meant to survive....

The trigger reck havoc on my mind breaking away slowly at my insanity....

My mind realize I'm alive, but why do I feel like my reality is a lie....

Fooling myself into believing I'm survivor, when I always be no more then a victim that died....

"Why can't you let go, I'm not allowed to be happy ever"

Is it only another false alarm, or is something sinister at play cause evil is always tempted, when naively is in play....

Shame courses through my veins, at being reminded of my weaknesses....

I'm projecting, or has another wolf hide himself as lost sheep....

By: Victoria Santizo

When I asked I'm broken, or I'm numb.... I'm asking Is it OK to not be OK or must I keep pretending everything OK and be numb to the emotion.... I never gotten the help I need for what that bastard did to me. For years, I choose to be numb to suppress everything that gone down. Cause life teach me it was better this way.... It hurt me to see the doubt in my family eyes.... To feel, like I was just dirt little family secrets.... That they wished would just disappear.... That my feel meant nothing cause they believe that asshole over the truth. For years, I believe.... I was slowly going crazy. It wasn't until, I read book talking about PTSD that I realized what was really happening.... I research the web and devoured any book that talk about it. I never been diagnosed with PTSD but after using the their tips. I been doing alot better and been able to handle my trigger a lot  better....