RELIVING

◖ 41 ◗

"I had to do counseling afterward. My physician suggested it since I would be having the feel of guilt and the baby blues while in college. I lost a lot of weight because I didn't eat and I had trouble sleeping." Anicia revealed, "I'd jump up thinking I heard her cry but in reality she wasn't there. I never allowed myself to cry because I gave her the best life not being raised in my family. You're a first-time mommy. Don't beat yourself up about it."

Amaury blew out air heavily. "Two weeks postpartum and I'm so tired. His father is gone majority of the time at work and making a living. My mother comes over to help but she even getting on my damn nerves—telling me how to do this and that. Like I'm dumb."

"She's just doing what a good mother is supposed to do," Anicia vouched. "She's wanting you to learn. Plus, you're her only daughter and don't have to deal with weird babymother's keeping the baby away. Baby DeAngelo is the one she will see everyday so of course she's gonna be a little overbearing and get on your nerves. But she means well."

Amaury finally smiled, genuinely. "Why you on her side?"

"Can't help it. I love Cara."

"She aight I guess." Amaury rolled her eyes playfully, "Can you listen for him? I really want to take a shower bad. I smell like breast milk."

"Go ahead."

"Thank you. Monitor right there; breastmilk in the fridge. Thank you, thank you, thank you." Amaury rushed to the back of the apartment.

Momentarily, the squeaking of the pipes was heard before the shower turned on. Anicia sat there, scrolling on her phone when she heard a whimper through the monitor. She stood, walking down the small hallway she found the nursery across from the other bedroom. She hesitated before footing further into the nursery and the newborn whimpered, squirming around in the blanket.

"Hi handsome," She peered down, staring at the newborn with head full of dark hair. "You don't know me but I'm gonna pick you up, okay?"

Anicia rubbed hand sanitizer in her hands before picking up his small body and cradling him near her chest. She bounced him slightly as she left the bedroom to pour him a bottle of the breastmilk and warmed it in the bottle warmer. Luckily, the machine beeped when it was done because she had no clue what she was doing.

Grabbing the bottle, Anicia walked to the couch. "Okay, I'm gonna feed you now. So, uhm, don't choke."

Anicia chuckled quietly at her telling a newborn to not choke. She maneuvered the bottle between his lips and he latched on to it, sucking in the breastmilk. His eyelids raised slightly, and she stared at him.

"I never fed a baby before, you know?" She talked to the newborn, "It's unbelievable I know because I have two nieces. But I was barely around when they were babies. And the babygirl that I had I never got to feed her. She was grateful to be fed by Dads that loves her very much."

She wiped the milk dripping down his chin. "I know what you're thinking—Why didn't I raise her?—well, I was young and scarred. I didn't want to pass my issues to her. And once you finally meet your cousin, she's a great young woman. She's gorgeous and smart and loves to draw. She's amazing. I just hope she loves me like I love her even after everything. What do you think?"