From Here to Hidden

CHAPTER 16 | BETH

Beth felt the steam leave her body as her shoulders slumped. She was suddenly overwhelmed with exhaustion. Not the physical kind; but the emotional and mental exhaustion that seems to suck every ounce of energy and stamina from your body. She didn't know how she was going to broach the topic of Danny with Chris or if she even needed to. Chris definitely had some questions about her father but Beth had tried so hard to make sure that the lies and the disappointments that he had brought didn't catch up with her. What 14-year-old girl wants to hear that their daddy left them for another family?

Beth brought her hands up to her face and rubbed under her eyes and across her eyebrows; hoping to smooth out some of the tension that she could feel herself carrying in her face. She ran her hands through her hair, over her ears, and down to her shoulders squeezing the space between her collarbone and her neck in an effort to calm her nerves. She had taken a hokey little self-massage class in college in an attempt to figure out how to manage stress relief and help herself sleep better. She didn't remember much about it, but the locations of pressure points and the releasing of tension in her knotted up shoulders were one thing she did keep in the back of her mind.

Sensing her tension, Jason walked up to her and lightly wrapped his hand around her arm, just above her elbow. Beth felt herself relax, but the tension didn't fade completely.

"You want to talk about it?" He said, his voice calm and soft.

"I'm not sure, to be honest..." she said, gazing out the backdoor at the black sky.

"How about a cup of coffee? I've got regular and decaf; I usually drink a cup of decaf at night before I turn in. Mainly because I like the taste, but it helps me relax."

"I'd love one. Regular is fine with me. I drink so much coffee that the caffeine doesn't affect me anyway," Beth said, smiling.

"You go on out and I'll bring everything in a minute. There are some blankets on the sofa if you want one. I'm not sure how cool it is outside," Jason said, turning toward the kitchen.

"Thanks," Beth said, grabbing a throw from the sofa and heading out the screen door onto the porch. They were a little further away from any other houses. The sky overhead lit up with stars and galaxies; clear enough that she could make out several of the constellations that she had memorized as a child. The sound of the crickets chirping in the background added a sense of serenity to the evening that her soul needed. She closed her eyes, inhaling the smell of the lingering rain and the fresh grass. This was the peace and the tranquility that she had prayed she would find for so long.

The calm.
The silence.
The escape from the noise that seemed to have surrounded her life for so long.

She wrapped the blanket around her shoulders and closed her eyes; breathing deep the feeling of ease that she felt. She felt safe here. Not "here" as in with Jason and his family, but "here" in this little town. Away from the noise of everything in her life that had haunted her for so long. There was so much she didn't talk about. So many secrets that she had buried. So many mistakes she was ashamed of. How would someone like Jason ever understand? She stood against the porch railing, looking out over the backyard and the dark sky above her. She loved that this town shut down at night and that the lights didn't inhibit her ability to see the stars. There was tranquility here she had never known.

She breathed deep the smell of the damp grass and lingering humidity. Her mind wandered and her thoughts overwhelmed her. She knew that everyone had skeletons in their closet. Everyone made mistakes. But, she also wasn't ignorant to the fact that people like Jason formed opinions of women like her. She had worked so hard to keep her daughter away from the mistakes of her past. She had done so much to try to give her a new life and a new beginning. All she had ever wanted to do was protect Chris from the things that haunted her. Chris would never understand—not at her age. Jason might understand the notion of protecting her daughter from the truth. He had done the same thing for his own children. But, the other parts of her story were shameful. She'd never really forgiven herself for what she had done.

If she was honest with herself, much of why she didn't let herself get close to anyone was because of her past. Relationships were built on truth. She knew that. There was no way that most people would understand or forgive her or her past mistakes. Her own parents didn't know her entire story—only the bits and pieces that she had told them. They'd never understand and part of it would break them. Embarrass them. She couldn't stand the idea of disappointing them any more than she felt she already had.

Nonetheless, here she was, in a new city with a new career and an opportunity to become the woman she had always wanted to be. Her heart ached to begin fresh; start new. Erase what had been. Subconsciously, she was wondering if this man—this family—would bring a new beginning for her and her daughter. They'd just met and she had no idea how Jason might or might not feel. But, things here were easy. They were natural. She felt...safe.

She shook her head softly.

You've known him for like, a week. He doesn't know you. He was a preacher. He's only single because his wife died. You aren't good enough for him. You aren't even good enough for anyone like him. You need to just stop that thought process before you get hurt or you hurt someone.

Her subconscious was right. She would never be good enough for this man. She had known that from the moment she met him. He was everything she had wanted to be but never become. He was good and kind. He was human, but she was certain that he was likely flawless when compared to her. His biggest mistake had probably been something so trivial it was laughable.

He'll never go for you, Beth. He will never look at you the same if you tell him the truth. He'll think you are are all of those things that Danny told you that you were.

She was grateful that Jason had been kind enough to open his home to her and Chris, but she knew that this was more of a gesture of friendship and his obligation as a preacher. This wasn't anything more than that and she knew it. No matter how badly she hoped that wasn't true, she knew that this—whatever this was—wouldn't mean anything tomorrow.

She just had to be okay with that.