From Here to Hidden

CHAPTER 19 | JASON

Jason rinsed the coffee cups out and put them in the dishwasher. He gave the kitchen a quick look around before flipping the light off and heading down the hall to his room. The storms had made the entire week feel longer than it really was, but this evening had been relaxing and a much-needed break from his daily life. The last three years had taken so much out of him. Pastoring a large church, Wendy's sickness, her death...the weight that her loss left on his shoulders. It all felt like so much. Most days he felt like he carried the weight of the entire world on his shoulders.   

He quickly changed into some pajamas and headed down the hall to tell the kids goodnight. Gaige and Jeremiah shared a room at one end of the hall and Bekah's room was upstairs. He peeking in at the boys and found them both sleeping soundly. Jeremiah, with his foot hanging out from under the covers and a pillow on his face; Gaige, face down on his stomach with the blankets pulled all the way up to his ears. He removed the pillow was Jeremiah's face and kissed his forehead before tiptoeing to the other side of the room to do the same to Gaige. 

"Hey, dad?" Gaige said suddenly. 

Jason kicked over the stool sitting on the floor, sending race cars scattering across the floor. 

"Crap!" he said, hoping he didn't wake Jeremiah up. "Yeah, man?" he whispered, looking to make sure Jeremiah hadn't moved. 

"I've been thinking about something that I think you need to know..."

Oh, Lord. What in heaven's name could this be about? Is he failing a class? Is he on drugs? Did he start drinking? Is he in trouble?

Jason's mind began to race, hoping and praying that whatever his son was about to tell him wasn't going to send him over the edge. He'd had enough happen in his life lately and he didn't think that he could handle one more thing. Sensing his unease, Gaige looked at him and shook his head. 

"No, dad it's nothing bad. There's nothing wrong or anything."

Jason relaxed his shoulders and let out a breath, not even aware he'd been holding it.

"Okay. What's going on, son?" he said, sitting down on the edge of his bed.

Gaige propped himself up on his elbows and looked at his dad with a look of seriousness and authority that he had never seen. "I think it's time for you to move on with your life."

Jason felt as though he'd been kicked in the stomach. Where did this come from? Gaige was probably the one who took Wendy's death the hardest since he'd been the oldest and had the longest relationship with her. He didn't want to press for more of an explanation so he just sat, quietly, looking back at his son.

"I mean it..." Gaige continued. "We all know that mom is gone. We all know that you loved her even more than we did. You're doing the best you can raising the three of us dad, and you're doing a really good job. But, we see you. We see how exhausted you are. We see that you don't do anything for yourself and don't take care of yourself as you should. We all know you're lonely and we see you sit on the porch sometimes by yourself. You've been through a lot dad. It's time to let mom go. She would want that."

Jason sat up straighter, still unsure what to say. When did this 14-year-old boy become so wise? When did he start to grow up on him? He didn't realize that his life or his actions had been affecting his kids or that they had really even noticed them. He'd tried to keep his emotions under control. While he'd never shied away from grief or admitting that he was upset about losing Wendy, he also didn't want to wallow and live his life in despair. He knew Wendy well enough to know that she wouldn't have wanted that. She wouldn't have wanted him to just mope and despair. She'd want him to move on with his life.

"You're right son. I just...I've never been sure what kind of time you guys needed. I will always love your mother and she will always be a part of our life. There's not a day that goes by that I won't think about her; and I don't want you guys to ever feel like you can't be upset or that you can't talk about her. She was your mother and I don't expect you to ever forget her."

"We know, dad. Mom's still like, everywhere in this house. Some days, I have to remind myself that she's gone. I—we—just think that maybe it's time to kind of start fresh. I mean, mom's jacket has been hanging on the hook by the door since she died. Her car still has her gym bag in the backseat. Like, she's not coming back, dad. If you still need more time, then I guess that's something on you. But, I'm just saying that if you have been holding off kind of letting stuff go because of us, don't. Okay? We are alright. And it's okay to let her go."

Jason smiled at his son in the dark. He couldn't believe how mature he had become. Sure, he was still only 14 and he wasn't ready to launch into the world yet. The boy couldn't even do his own laundry yet. But, recognizing that kind of thing in his father was a sign of independence and maturity that he hadn't yet noticed.

"Thank you, son. That...that means a lot to me. I really appreciate you opening up and telling me how you guys are feeling. Thank you."

"No problem dad," he said, flopping back down on his stomach. "So, that means you're going to ask someone out now right? Like, take a chick to dinner and stuff?" Gaige looked at him knowingly and smirked at his father. 

Jason laughed quietly. 

"We'll see buddy...let's just take it slow, okay?"

He patted his leg and stood to walk out of the room. "Love you, buddy."

Just as he was walking out the door, he heard Jeremiah whisper, "Ms. Beth sure is pretty you know..."

Jason shook his head and shut the door behind him. Who were these kids and what did they do with his children? He anticipated a very similar conversation from Bekah when he got to her room to say goodnight, but she was already snoring. She had a copy of The Saddle Club open across her chest. She'd obviously fallen asleep reading again. Jason flipped the lamp off and kissed her forehead. He shut the door behind him and tiptoed back down the stairs and climbed into bed. 

Gaige's words echoed in his head; so did Jeremiah's. What on earth was he thinking? He hadn't known her long enough to ask her out on a date yet. He lay in bed staring at the ceiling. He wasn't even sure he was ready for a relationship with anyone. Had he just given Beth a false sense of what he was looking for? Had he intentionally—or unintentionally—led her to believe that he wanted more than what he was willing to give right now? I mean, the hand holding was meaningless, right? 

Even as he asked himself that question, he knew what the answer was. He knew that it wasn't meaningless...not to him or to her. The thought haunted him as he tossed and turned that night. He had never set out to try and lead their relationship toward anything more than a friendship. He didn't have a lot of friends that he felt he could be himself around; something about the knowledge that she didn't know him or his past made him want to get to know her. He had spent the last 10 years in this little town and everyone knew everything there was to know about him. For once, he didn't have the preconceived stigma hanging over his head. He was free to just be himself and not have to be Pastor Anderson or Coach Anderson or Mr. Anderson. With her? He could just be Jason.