Teenage Nightmare (Jalex)

Please Don't Take Your Time

(Song - Right Where You Want Me - Jesse McCartney - For the smut ;) )

(TW: talk of suicide attempt, self harm, and good ol' dirty, DIRTY smut)

(February 7th 2016)

The family was at the table eating the cheesecake Bassam brought back and it was quiet for the most part. 
Bassam was the one who broke the silence. 
"May, I want to talk to you and I want all of you," He looked at everyone else, "To stay and listen. This is important and the entire family and Alex needs to hear what I'm going to say, because I think it's the only way that everyone can hear what's happening and hopefully find some common ground and a resolution."
Alex's stomach sank. Was he in trouble? His body tensed as his heart rate picked up. He put his fork down. He knew what happened if he started panicking these days. Rather than fly into a spiraling psychotic breakdown, he got sick and threw up because of how tense he was, how fast his heart was beating and how dizzy he got because of that.
Jack put his hand on Alex's leg and gave it a gentle squeeze. Alex sucked in a deep breath.
Bassam looked at May, "I'm your father and I love you with all of my heart and soul, but you have been very disappointing in how you've been treating Alex and everyone else who disagrees with you. I want you to lay it all out now because we're done with that behavior. We're done with you yelling rather than talking." He crossed his hands on the table.
May sighed, "I already talked to Alex." She mumbled.
"And what happened?" He asked.
Alex swallowed hard, "I t-told her I forgave her..." He whispered.
Bassam nodded, "Okay, but May, what did you say?" He looked at her expectedly.
"He helped me today when some creep was bugging me, so I told him I was sorry that I've been acting like this towards him. I also told him that I don't like that he's dating Jack though." She looked at her dad with a look that basically said that she wasn't going to change her mind.

Bassam sighed.
"Okay. Why don't you like him with Jack?"
May rolled her eyes, "I'm sorry but if you guys don't think that it's obvious why, then I can't help you." She pushed her chair away.
"You're not going anywhere, you stay here." Bassam was getting frustrated.
May glared and pushed herself back in.
"You need to tell all of us right now what exactly your issue is."
Alex stared down at his lap. He wanted to go home so badly. He was actually excited for his therapy appointment tomorrow. He was going to need it to recover from this weekend.
"Fine. I'll go from lowest to highest. Look how much help he needs to even function correctly. How do you think that's helpful for your son? How can you as a parent think that's okay? Second, he flips the fuck out all the time. It's like one day he's apparently fine, they're happy and doing normal couple-y shit and then next he's in the hospital because he had a mental breakdown. Again. Third, for the love of god mom unless he's loaded up on pills, he sees things and hears things that aren't there. That's not okay. A padded cell would be safer for him. I just don't fucking get it. Alex, I want to like you, but I can't. I know what I said earlier, but I just...I have to change my mind on that. Maybe I can like you once there's been like a solid year of you not doing stupid shit, but until then I'm looking out for only my brother here, no one else." 
Alex squeezed his eyes shut at 'padded cell' as the lump in his throat rose and his hands shook a little.

Joyce stepped in, "May do you think that I haven't been there to know what's going on? Do you think I haven't seen the worst parts of what Alex goes through? Because I have, and each time, he does everything he can to fix it and that's the best anyone could ask of him. If for one second I didn't think that my son was anything other than safe, I would've said so. I did say so once. I made them spend time apart, and you know what? It helped. I am being his parent. I am concerned. It is my business what happens with Jack. It's none of your business though. Just because you know the short version of things that happened does not mean that you know every detail and you don't get to know that. It's not your place to know that. I understand that you're just concerned for your brother, but it's much bigger than that. Whatever this is with you, is much bigger than you just caring about Jack." She sounded mad again.
Alex wanted to leave so badly. 
"Fine. Apparently it's none of my business. I don't give a shit if you think it goes beyond me caring about my little brother. Lastly though, he fucking blacked out and went into some psychotic rage and slashed himself open everywhere and threw himself down the stairs. Who in their right mind does that? I mean look at him. Look at his arms. His wrists should be enough proof that he's not a safe person. I don't even want to see the rest of him. I might throw up." She shook her head, so done with this conversation.
"I wasn't in my right mind." Alex whispered, his voice trembling. No one could really hear him.
"What sweetie?" Joyce asked, her voice laced with concern. She didn't like Alex hearing this, but it was important that they didn't just talk about him behind his back.
"I said I wasn't in my right mind." He spoke a little louder.
"We know that" Joyce offered him a tiny sympathetic smile.

Alex shook his head and laughed a little as he wiped the tears off his cheeks, "Look. If I'm this much of an issue, I think I really should just go. It's really clear that if I'm going to be such a huge topic of conversation around the dinner table, then I'm really not welcome here, at least not by her. I really like you guys," He gestured to Joyce, Joe and Bassam, "But if I'm going to be tearing this entire family apart then I'd rather just go home and be alone and fucked up on my own. After all, being alone and fucked up is what I do best. I'm good at it. I've lived years like that. I'm used to it. I'm used to letting people down, I'm used to tearing them apart, I'm used to being the failure in the picture, in everyone's story Alex Gaskarth is the failure who just couldn't get life right. I'm used to being disgusting, and ugly, and worthless, and fat and every other thing I feel about myself on a daily basis. I'm used to being worth less than garbage. I'm used to craving the stupid feelings I constantly get but refuse to act on. I'm used to it. I'm used to hating myself. Nothing else could make that any worse for me. Except that it can. This makes it worse. Being hated without being given a chance by someone I really hoped would. I tried so fucking hard to just fit in just the tiniest bit here, and I failed at that too. All because I'm the psychotic one who's ruining Jack's life. So maybe I should just leave. Maybe next time I lose my mind, I'll actually succeed this time." He stood up from the table and went to the room, tears streaking down his cheeks. He didn't want to be here anymore. He didn't want to be anywhere quite frankly. He started shoving things in his bag. He didn't mean that last sentence, but the dark part of him that was locked away told him that he should mean it.
Jack got up and tried to follow him but the door was slammed shut before he'd even made it halfway down the hall. 


Joe looked at May, "You're really trying to drive him away, aren't you? Do you know that Jack is going to hate you for this?" He asked, looking angry.
May groaned, "I told him we could try getting to know each other! I just told him that I don't like him being with Jack!" She defended herself.
Jack came back to the table and glared at her, "And the entire point of this conversation was to prove to you that it's none of your damn business! How can you get to know him if you keep hurling insults at him left and right! When you won't even try?! You don't know shit about mental illnesses May, and you don't know SHIT  about him. Quit pretending like you do. Quit pretending like you know what happens in his head or what may happen in the future. You don't know shit. It might become your business once you DO  get to know him and actually know what to look for, see him for who he is, but you don't know him and you're full of shit when you say that you want to give him a chance, I don't think that you do! You only said that because he helped you today, which honestly May, you didn't deserve." He spat angrily, heading off towards the room again just to be stopped by her shrill, irritating voice.

"You're right Jack! Okay?! I don't like him. I actually really, really don't like him and I wish more than anything that he wasn't around or that you'd realize that he's fucking insane and nowhere near good for you and leave him like any smart person would! No one should need a heavy dose antipsychotics and whatever else is in the pills he takes! No one should be on constant babysitting duty for him because he might go batshit crazy and try to throw himself off of a building next!  I can't help that I don't like him Jack! I don't hate him but I sure as hell don't like him and I don't think that I ever can or ever will! If you hate me for that then you hate me but I don't trust a single thing he says, I don't trust for one second that he's not going to lose his shit again and actually succeed in killing himself! I care about what that would do to you! Look at you! You're like obsessed with him! He moves, you move. So what? He dies and you die too? This shit isn't okay! And maybe I should give him a chance, maybe I even want to but that's not going to happen right now! I apologized for talking to him the way that I have been, but I'm not sorry at all for thinking it! I don't think he's a bad person I just think he needs more than just a therapist and some crazy person pills to help him! I don't think anything can help him!" She screamed.
"May that is enough." Bassam said in a loud, booming voice. Extremely rare for him.
May glared at her dad, "Then hate me. I don't care. When he destroys my brother, for the millionth time, I don't want to hear you guys say shit when we're burying him too, along with his psychotic, pathetic boyfriend." 
Inside that room, Alex listened to every single word that had been uttered since he left. The walls weren't thick. He cringed at 'burying him too, along with psychotic, pathetic boyfriend' and all he wanted was to be hit by a bus. He'd happily jump in front of one right now if the opportunity presented itself. He quickly shut that thought away too. That kind of thought couldn't be in his mind. She was right though. 
"No one should be on a heavy dose of antipsychotics and whatever else...Just another thing that makes me fucking worthless." He mumbled to himself as his body shook. He grabbed his bag and slung it over his shoulder.

Jack glared at her, "Go fuck yourself, you stupid bitch." He was about to go into the room finally when Alex just showed up with his bags and silently let himself out, pushing his way past Jack, who was trying to stop him. 
Jack groaned, "See! What the fuck is wrong with you?!" He screamed desperately and angrily at May, chasing after Alex. Joe following.

Joyce looked at May, "I don't know who you are because you aren't the daughter I raised, and I am so disappointed and angry. I really thought that airing it all out once more, in front of all of us in a calmer environment so that we could come up with some sort of resolution here was going to help, and clearly it didn't. I was wrong to think that you could be rational and fair." She shook her head, tears in her eyes.
Bassam stood up and put his hand on May's shoulder, "You reflect on your words and tell me if you'd like them thrown at you by someone who doesn't even know you. Would you?" He asked.
May sighed, "No." She mumbled.
"So you leave him alone. You leave Jack alone. You'll be lucky if your brother even wants to ever come back to see you. You may have just ruined any chance Alex had to feel welcome with us after he tried so hard. It was only you that he couldn't please, and I know that he tried. I know he tried damn hard. You should be ashamed of yourself. I can promise you no amount of apologies is going to fix this." He put his arm around Joyce and stood at the door, watching the scene unfold outside.

Jack had Alex's arm in his grasp, "Alex come on! Don't leave!" He begged.
Alex ripped his arm away, "She hates me Jack! What the fuck am I going to do! Stay here and let her hate me?! We're going home in the morning anyway so just let me leave now! I'd rather not stick around just to hear for the millionth time what's wrong with me! I ALREADY KNOW!" He held his arms out, "These are the reason that she fucking hates me so much! They're proof to her that she's right! I look disgusting to her and that's all she sees! She sees these as every fucking mistake I've made, and the worst part is that she's not wrong! Do you think for one single second that I haven't had the same thoughts as her?! You think that I don't hate me too?! I hate myself every single day! I could be on every drug known to man, on the highest doses, on so many fucking happy pills that I'm Mary fucking Poppins, and I'd STILL hate myself. I'm fucking disgusting. I'm mentally fucked up, I look like a fucking fat piece of shit, I'm ugly as all hell, and again...I'm fucked up! What if I start seeing shit again! What then?! I JUST PROVE HER RIGHT ONCE AGAIN. SHE ISN'T WRONG TO HATE ME. THINK ABOUT IT!" He screamed, angry tears pouring down his cheeks.
Jack grabbed his arm again, "STOP." 
Alex fought him, but Jack wrapped his arms completely around Alex, holding his arms down.
"Stop it." He said more quietly. 

Alex fought him for another minute before he finally just gave up and fell into a fit of sobs all over again.
Why was it that every time something was going good for him, it got ruined?
Why could nothing ever be good enough for anyone?
He couldn't hold himself up anymore, so Joe helped Jack ease him onto the ground, Jack still holding on tightly to him, "Let me go...Let me go...Just let me go...Let me go..." Alex begged through his tears before they overtook him completely and speaking wasn't an option anymore, choking on his own saliva as he sobbed.
Joe knelt down in front of him and looked at Jack, wondering what to do.
"Alex...Shhh....Please... Baby please...Lexy...You're okay, I have you, you're safe...I'm not letting go." Jack said softly. He looked at Joe, "Tell mom to just let us take the car please." 
Joe sighed, looking really sad. He really did like Alex. None of this mattered to him, he trusted that Alex was doing everything right to the best of his abilities.
"I'll drive you home myself." He said quietly.
Jack nodded, "Thank you." He hugged Alex tight from behind, holding his arms down in case he did start trying to rip out his hair or something. As much as Alex handled panic attacks and stress so much better than before, that habit of his hands flying up to his head hadn't really gone away. He just stopping pulling chunks of hair out when it happened. Jack couldn't trust that he wouldn't do that right now in this moment.

Joe went upstairs to get his keys, "I'm taking them home." He said angrily to Bassam and Joyce, glaring at May.
"You're a real asshole, you know that? Why don't you get that it's none of your business? Look outside and see what you're doing to him and to Jack. You don't have to like Alex, but you do have to give a fuck about your brother." Joe grabbed his keys and went back downstairs, "Joe wait." She followed him down. He stood there and stared at her, "What could you possibly do to make this worse." He didn't even ask.
May knelt down in front of Alex. Jack glared at her, "Do not touch him. You're just making shit worse. Go the fuck away." He said through gritted teeth as Alex just shook and sobbed, hunched forward over Jack's arms, unable to keep himself even so much as sitting up, his knees up, arms held down. His entire body trembled as he cried so loud and hard that neighbors were starting to peek out their windows.
"Alex can you hear me?" She asked.
Alex just cried a little louder, choking on a word that he tried to say but couldn't get out.
"I'm sorry Alex. I know that doesn't mean shit to you, and I know that it doesn't matter to you but I'm just....Joe was right up there. He told me that I have to give a fuck about my brother and that means trying to give a fuck about you too if you're going to be sticking around. I'm sorry." She kept her tone careful. She was starting to feel it now, watching him so broken and beaten down, and she'd done that to him. She took notice of the fact that he'd been fine until she started treating him like a hardcore mental patient, one that should  be in a facility forever, despite the fact that she thought he should be.
Jack glared.