Copper

Chapter Thirty Four

Suddenly the picture deteriorates, swirls of blood drowning me until I'm leaping from a padded chair. Snapping my erratic gaze around I no longer see the bodies of those I love. Instead, I'm met with the dull white walls of Bardo. Completely ignoring Levitt, I'm left wide-eyed and panicked watching Ander's sitting up from his seat. The headpieces light fading out. With a calm controlled stare, Ander's placidly states "This is your problem. You love your friends so much it destroys you."

Trying to catch the breath I lost within the sim, I chuckle to cover up my racing heart "Don't look so broken to me."

"Because you envision yourself the way you want", Ander's folds his hands over his lap "A fierce protector who will stop at nothing to save the people she loves." When it's apparent I'm going to remain silent, Anders glances sparsely towards Levitt before admitting "It's what could make you a great addition to our cause... but it also defines you as our greatest threat if chosen to lean otherwise."

"Otherwise being?"

"Love, of course," Anders answers without a doubt, shrugging like the fact is plain and simple "You're a smart girl Miss Armelle. Logical. Yet loves the lone emotion that seems to trounce that one astonishing, treasurable, remarkable quality of yours." Rising to his feet, Anders all but floats towards the door of the sim room "Get it in check Miss Armelle. We value loyalty to the cause of the Sheppard."

Once he leaves, Levitt seems to find it in him to inform me "What you just experienced was the Fear Simulator." Tilting my head away I wipe the residual tear which seems to have fallen through my conscious "Losing those you love... it's an admirable fear."

"You've seen Octavia's memories in M-CAP. Know everything about her. Probably about us too." I remain Levitt placidly, the sim still running circles in my mind "You know that's not the entire fear." Levitt wandering over, I let him remove the wires from my arms and heart "Everyone I love massacred because of me... and I'm left utterly alone." Levitt's quietly wrapping the coil around his fingers when I wonder "You've never seen war have you?"

Briefly glancing up, a slight smile plays on Levitt's lips "No. I cannot say I have."

"I've seen far too much of it", I find myself muttering, not to Levitt in particular. I suppose I'm still a little lucid and foggy from the sim when I mutter "It's bloody. And gruesome. And unforgiving...and you lose everyone you love. You lose yourself to the madness." The tattoos of Trikru, Azgeda, and Skaikru tingle on the nape of my neck. Rolling my lip sadly I consciously run my thumb back and forth over the battery tattoo on my wrist. If he or Bellamy were here... would they be doing this? Would they have gone along playing this game? We promised Monty and Harper to do better but is that what we're doing? Trying to do better has not only sent me through a wormhole- not once but twice- and lost me the man I love. How is that doing better?

The bed dipping beside me, Levitt seems to hesitate before admitting "You scored lowest on the Fear Sim." When I remain silent and transfixed, Levitt adds "Point five. You chose fear for your friends to rule you right out of the gate and Anders saw." My lips grimly pressing into a line, Levitt quietly admits "I know you through Octavia's eyes. Normally you're level headed- not erratic as I saw. What's changed?"

"Now I don't have Bellamy to keep me grounded", I mutter, shoving myself frustratedly from the stiff padded chair "I'm intelligent and good with a weapon. There would be nothing to stop me from tearing apart every person in this compound."

"But you don't", Levitt calls me out as I reach the door of the room "It's because of them... isn't it? Those four girls."

Rolling my bottom lip, I refrain from opening the door for a moment. Long enough to turn around and suggest "You adore Octavia don't you?" Levitt's eyes behind the tech glasses widen and I know I've hit the nail on the head. "She's been through a lot. It's taken her years to come out the other side of..." my words hanging in the air, I ask of him the promise I've failed to keep "Levitt... don't let her lose herself in the madness. I don't think she'll come out the other side again." I don't wait for the confirmation of this promise. Yanking open the door to the Fear Sim I brashly step out into the quiet halls of Bardo's compound. Letting the madness of my mind swallow me back up.