NANOWRIMO 2020

11.06 This is Supposed to Hurt

John's eyes were misty and Luz knew that any moment now he would erupt into tears and cry themselves out of the library like he always did. Luz looked around furtively to see if anyone was around and of course at midterm season, every single desk from them to the librarian was filled with a stressed out, passed out, or fucked up student. Several of them looked ready to cry but were holding themselves back by the sheer force of willpower and Redbull. The librarian looked ready to raise the dead and twitched at every noise or sound that the students inadvertently made while existing.

John looked at Luz with his signature puppy dog look and Luz felt two twangs in her chest: one of deep-seated annoyance and one of pity. There was an echo of a twang that felt guilt at her exasperation with her friend, but she didn't have time to deal with this, not right now, not when her exams were literally hours away and her stupid ass had only gone through half of the reading materials. John was going to have to figure it out on his own or at the very least not drag her down with him.

"John," Luz hissed at her friend who had since buried his head in his arms. "John."

John rolled his head up to look at her and mouthed "What?"

"What are you doing?" Luz asked.

"Examining my life," he intoned and dropped his head back down.

Luz's eye twitched.

"We have an exam. At 7."

"I know," an extended silence. "I don't care."

"I care! So get. The fuck. UP."

Luz pulled at the notebook John was lying on and his head fell with a wooden THUNK to the desk.

The library somehow got quieter. Luz pretended to be looking at the notebook she took but she could feel the daggers every over-caffeinated student was shooting at her. She wanted to fold herself into the pages and disappear.

John kept his head on the table, feigning sleep.

Luz looked up to see everyone already back to scribbling in their notes or typing away at their laptops and Mrs. Schultz the librarian towering over her with her red-rimmed eyes and bird's nest hair.

Mrs. Schultz raised an eyebrow and Luz nodded in defeat. She threw the notebook at John's head and he looked up to make another snarky comment but saw Mrs. Schultz and immediately lost all the color in his face.

They both silently packed up their things and left the library, to the joy of another pair of students waiting admission to the hallowed halls of knowledge.

They stood at the entrance to the library for a solid minute, neither one talking. John embarrassed and too afraid to look at Luz, and Luz fuming and ready to tear off one of his arms as penance.

They turned to each other at the same time, John ready to apologize, Luz ready to fight.

And burst out laughing.

"You stupid, stupid stupid idiot," Luz screeched.

"I'm sorry, I know—"

"Stupid little—"

"Yeah I got it—"

"—piece of shit," Luz finished and smacked him on the arm one last time.

They heard the clatter of the interior library doors swinging open and rushed out just before Mrs. Schultz could scold them in her barely-above-a-whisper rasp.

They laughed all the way to their favorite fast food joint and ordered a few sodas and McSnack Meals to tide them over for the next few hours.

John still looked like he was about to cry, but the fries and ice creams they bought were enough to keep them at bay.

"I'll bite," Luz said through a mouthful of her bbq cheese burger. "What?"

John sighed dramatically and leaned back in his chair, holding his flaccid fry like a cigarette. He bit off the end morosely.

"You have 10 minutes to tell me what's wrong, or we're ignoring it until our exams are done," Luz wiped up some ketchup with a wad of fries and popped them into her mouth. She looked at John over the top of her drink, trying to find the straw with her mouth without breaking eye contact and failing miserably.

John swallowed his fry. Made a face.

"Suzanne broke up with me," he huffed.

Luz tried to act surprised; she dropped her jaw and widened her eyes in a "You're shitting me," look. Not that she had expected them to break up so soon, but all the telltale signs were there from the beginning of John and Suzanne's relationship. But they were too stuck in the Honeymoon phase to realize it. Luz wasn't an expert in relationships, but the few girls she had dated began the relationship by batting their eyes until you were so in love with that, that you never saw her pull the knife to shank your wallet out of you.

Suzanne was a beauty, but she was a hot mess dressed up in skinny jeans and makeup. And if Luz was being completely honest, John could do so much better.

"You're shitting me," Luz said.

John sniffed. "She said that we weren't right for each other. That it was exhausting talking to me, and that she didn't even know what we would talk about sometimes. But I thought we were comfortable enough to not have to fill every silence with talking y'know?"

"Uh huh," Luz said.

"She said that this was for the best and that she didn't really want to be in a relationship anymore, but I SAW HER ON SAWYER'S STORY DANCING WITH ANOTHER GUY," John wailed.

Luz sipped at her drink, waiting for him to stop his theatrics, but his anguished cries turned into sobs and he had his head buried in his fries and half eaten chicken sandwich before she could say anything else.

"John," Luz said softly. "John listen to me. Hey, listen."

John brought his tear-stained face up, but not even the sweet and sour sauce packet stuck to his forehead could make Luz laugh.

"You were a good boyfriend," John scoffed at Luz's statement but she grabbed the sauce packet off his face and threw it on the table. "You are a good boy friend. You're a good person and you care so much and have so much love to give, but sometimes. Sometimes the people you love just can't accept that. Sometimes they can only take and take and take, and that's not something you want to be burdened with."

"But I wasn't really," John mumbled. "I could have done better. I could have answered her messages quicker or been there for her, or or—"

"Or you could've stopped the world for her or you could've jumped out of a plane without a 'chute if she asked," Luz said. "You could have done a million and one things differently. But so could she. It's not just on you buddy.

"It takes two to make a relationship work, and it sounded like you were really trying hard. Like really really hard. You can't hate yourself for being the best you could be, with who you are right now," Luz patted him on his hair. "If she can't see that, then she doesn't deserves you."

John gave her a little smile. "You're just saying that."

"Of course I'm just saying that," Luz laughed. "But I do mean it," Luz punched him playfully in the arm.

John looked at his smushed food and sighed.

"I think you're pretty great dude," Luz finished off her burger and burped, deep from her gut. "I'd date you if I could. But as you very well know, girls are so much better than guys."

"They're really crazy though," John said wistfully.

"We're fucking crazy," Luz admitted.

"Alack, if only I were gay enough to turn you straight," John sighed.

"That could still happen," Luz said thoughtfully. "I'm still young. I got a world to experience. Once you find something that's better than cuddling a girl at night or kissing her awake, let me know."

John pondered his soggy french fry for a moment, opened his mouth. Closed it. Then burst into a fresh bout of tears.

Luz smiled sadly and pushed her melted ice cream sundae onto his tray and fed his face napkins. "It'll be okay."

One day, Luz thought. It'll be okay.