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YOUR VOICE: (20/20) Your voice is golden. It's unique and doesn't sound forced or awkward at all. I can really see that you've spent a lot of time perfecting your writer's voice and had fun writing this chapter! You slowly built up the tension with your descriptions, and there really isn't much more to be done to improve. Of course, over time, your voice will keep getting better and better. I can't even imagine what your writing will look like by then, considering it is already beautiful and breathtaking right now.
YOUR STORY FLOW: (5/5) You've built up the tension rather nicely, making me sit at the edge of my seat. Each paragraph transitioned into something further delving into the plot, and I loved how smoothly you've noted their emotions, their actions, and their surroundings without breaking off from your story and breaking the flow.
So, now that the grading/feedback is over, let's turn the focus to the specific details of Chapter 1.
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CHAPTER 1:
1. There was one capitalization error I caught. "About furthering their social standing both in school and outside of school - The daughter of great architect and the son of wine merchants." (paragraph 6). Can you see the word that is unnecessarily capitalized? If you ever get confused, ask yourself: Is this the first word of the sentence? Am I referring to a specific place, person, or thing? If not, then you probably shouldn't capitalize it. Go thoroughly through your chapter in case this happens again.
2. Just wanted to point out since this can be confusing: 'best friend' is two words, not one. In paragraph 3, you used "best friend" as one word, which is grammatically inaccurate.
3. "Attention for one." This sentence would be less confusing for your readers if you added a comma. "Attention, for one."
4. "Nala, on the other hand, was quite the smart cookie..." (paragraph 6). There is an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "Nala on the other hand was quite the smart cookie..." By the way, I love your description for Nala. "Sharp cookie" is a wonderful alternative to "sly" and/or "cunning." Good job.
5. Caught another capitalization error. "It's not everyday you learn that your mother, a renowned relationship expert, was having an affair with your Principal while married to your dad..." (paragraph 9) Despite what it may seem like, "Principal" is not capitalized. This is because you're already saying he is "your" principal and not referring him as to his position and name. Since you've already clarified that you're talking about a specific principal, the capitalization is incorrect. Along with that, "everyday" only counts as one word when used as an adjective, such as "everyday clothing" which describes the clothes you wear. Since you aren't using it as an adjective, "everyday" should really be two words.
6. "... Shanya mused as the burning embers of the events of the past eight weeks simmered down at the back of her mind," (paragraph 10). That sentence... is absolutely stunning. Your vocabulary and descriptions are making me fall in love with your writing.
7. In paragraph 12 you wrote, "... shooting daggers at her brother's very handsome features who was looking at her with a calmness that made her want to bash his teeth in." Again, wonderful description. However, you wrote that her brother's handsome features were looking at her, not her brother. Her brother's features aren't really defined by gender, so this sentence is inaccurate. Correction: "... shooting daggers at her brother's very handsome features as he looked at her with a calmness that made her want to bash his teeth in." This is a little hard to explain, so I hope you got the gist of it. If not, privately message me, and we can discuss this further!
8. "'I know that you cared about dad very much very much.'" (paragraph 24... I think). The word "dad" should be capitalized—unless you decided to write "our dad"—because since you're referring to a specific person, his name should be capitalized.
9. In paragraph 32, you wrote, "'Look, Chi,' Shanya tried again, letting her arms fall to her sides as she dipped one into the candy jar on the ground..." By writing this, you are essentially saying that she let both of her arms fall to her sides, but at the same time, one of those arms dipped into the candy jar. To correct this, you can write: "'Look, Chi,' Shanya tried again, letting her arm fall to her side as she dipped the other into the candy jar on the ground..."
10. "'I know you're worried I'll run off and die but I'm off age. I can take care of myself.'" (paragraph 33). "Off" should really be "of" because it's indicating relationships between the other words. You've also confused "of" with "off" in your 34th paragraph. "I know you're worried I'll run off and die, but I'm of age. I can take care of myself." (I've also added a comma.)
11. You did a wonderful job at emphasizing your words with italics instead of all caps, which can often look unprofessional and unusually perky sounding. Good job with that.
12. Paragraph 41, "dad" should be capitalized. This happens several times throughout the chapter, so make sure to look thoroughly.
13. Paragraph 51. "'Now why would you think that?' Her mum continued in a fruity voice, holding onto her what Shanya suspected was a cup of coffee." "Her" should not be capitalized, because "Her mom continued in a fruity voice..." is not a sentence by itself. It is a continuation of the dialogue, "'Now why would you think that?'". This means that "her" is not the first word of the sentence, "now" is. And you are already doing a good job of this, but I'd like to add that if not ending your dialogue with a question mark or exclamation mark, end it in a comma when using a dialogue tag afterwards or continuing the sentence after dialogue. A period should only be used when a new sentence starts after a dialogue. Hope that makes sense.
14. Paragraph 60. The word "morose" is an adjective, and should not be used alone. A good replacement would be "remorse."
15. Somewhere near the end of the chapter, Shanya's mother slaps her and starts yelling. Try to emphasize her words with italics instead of all caps, since all caps can look unprofessional to your readers.
16. Beautiful ending to the chapter. Definitely makes me want to read more.
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I have to admit that I was so busy reading your story that I forgot I was supposed to be critiquing your work—that's how good your first chapter was. I was entranced by your writing skills, and I really don't know why you don't have more readers. Your story needs more recognition. I'm honored that you've offered this book for me to review, and I hope you weren't offended by any remarks I've made throughout this critique.
Congratulations! Your book has earned at least ninety points in my review—and therefore will be added to my reading list!
TOTAL: 93/100
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