Across the Bridge

Across The Bridge - Chapter 30

Chapter 30

There was two weeks until Christmas break, all of a sudden. Somehow my senior year was almost half over, yet things were worse than before the school year began.  At least with my mother. Christmas wasn't going to be a big deal this year, but at least I had Asa back, and I had Winston.

   Over two weeks had passed since mom had been home. I had gotten one drunken voicemail from her, in the middle of the night. She mumbled that she was thinking about me and she would see me soon. The number she called from wasn't even her cell phone. I wasn't even glad to hear that she was alive, because I knew this was what she was doing. Off somewhere, drinking too much and too embarrassed to come home and face her own kids.

   My last shift at the library on Thursday of that week was emotional. I wouldn't even be able to visit, since the new hours were 10 A.M. to 2 P.M., starting the following week. The library held so many good memories and feelings for me - it was where I first felt like myself, where I became independent and made my own money. And it was where I first met Winston.

   Mrs. Walsh hugged me and asked me to drop in to visit whenever I could. I promised I would try, but I still left with tears in my eyes.

   All week, Winston had come over after school and slept over. I knew he was avoiding his mom and her drama, and I was glad to have him with me. I felt safer with him there, and I knew Asa liked that he was there in the mornings, too. I knew Winston was afraid to find out what would happen when he went home. I was afraid, too. His mom was not joking around. She found out that I was not up to her standards, so she didn't want me in Winston's life. It felt like every moment I had with him could be my last, and it scared me so much.

   That weekend, Winston and I went to another party in Chelsea. It was at Marcus', and he had been asking Winston all week to come. They were celebrating that it was almost Christmas break, or they just needed a reason to get drunk, maybe. I needed the distraction and Asa was staying at a friend's house in the village, so we agreed to the party.

   It was a lot of the same kids from the party after the dance. Miranda was glad to see that Winston and I were still together, though it had only been a week since I'd met them. Winston held my hand and we walked around the house, chatting with people he knew. He had always told me me that he didn't fit in with kids at his school, but he still seemed pretty well known here. I was trying to just enjoy the party, let myself feel normal for once, but I found myself thinking about everything - all the shit that was going wrong in my life. It was hard to relax.

   And so when Marcus handed me a drink, I drank it. And when Winston got another for each of us, then another, I didn't hesitate. When the room started spinning, I knew I was drunk.

   I leaned back against a wall, shutting my eyes. We'd only been at the party for an hour or so.

   "You okay?" Winston asked, reaching for me.

   "Yeah," I said. "Well, I think so."

   He let out a short laugh, which was super cute. "You're drunk."

   "No," I told him. "Or maybe."

   "You're so freaking cute," he whispered, then rubbed his nose against mine. "I'm glad we're here."

   "Yeah..." I let my voice trail off. "I'm glad I'm with you."

   He kissed me, then sighed, as if he had been holding his breath. "I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere."

   I nodded and watched him walk towards the kitchen, then shut my eyes again for a moment. While he was gone, a few kids said hi to me, Keltie passed by and gave me a side-hug, and I wished I had another drink. But when it felt like Winston had been gone for a long time, I went looking for him.

   In the kitchen, Miranda and Marcus, and another guy I didn't know, were laughing, Winston close by. He was chugging a plastic cup of something, another cup in his other hand. He looked content, his eyes glazed and his lips turned up at the edges. My heart skipped a beat, just seeing his face. I knew in that moment that I did love him, even if I had a hard time saying the words. Maybe I could tell him soon. I was far enough away that he didn't know I was there, but I could hear them.

   "That's kind of sweet," Miranda was saying. She wasn't as drunk as I'd seen her before.

   "Sweet, but stupid," Marcus laughed. "You're picking a girl over your inheritance money?"

   Miranda smacked his arm. "You'd pick me too, right?" she laughed.

   He stuck out his tongue at her. "Yeah... sure."

   Winston half smiled, not really saying anything. I could tell that he was considering this, and it made my stomach turn instantly. Of course he was thinking about this. Of course his friends would question his decisions. How was he choosing me over his family, his money, his future? It all made me feel horrible and I just wanted to get out of there.

   I turned on my heels and left the doorway of the kitchen, bumping into someone. He smiled, but I apologized and kept walking. Outside, I sat on the step and hung my head, my heart racing. It was cold and I had left my sweater in Winston's car. My head was foggy and part of me knew I should talk to him, but the other part just wanted to get away. I was too much of a mess, for him. He deserved better, more, everything.

   When I heard the door open and close again, I looked over instinctively.

   "Hey, what are you doing out here?" Winston asked me, coming closer.

   I moved away further, not looking at him. "Why would you pick me, Winston?" I shot at him right away. "It's really stupid. You need your money to go to college, to get away from here-"

   "Pen... why are you..."

   Now, I looked at him, seeing the pain in his eyes. "I heard your friends talking in the kitchen."

   "They were just... that's not how I feel, Penelope. I swear."

   "Well," I said, standing up. "Maybe you should. You should realize that I'm not..."

   I had to look away again because now the look on his face was too sad. Overwhelmingly so. But the words just kept pouring out of my mouth.

   "I'm not worth you losing your family, your inheritance. I'm just a stupid girl who thought maybe, just maybe, something in my life could be good."

   "Stop," Winston finally said, loudly. "Please."

   But I looked at him, then shook my head. I pulled out my phone, opened the Uber app and booked a ride home. He just stood there a few feet away from me, frozen. Sadness washed over him, and I hoped he didn't have anything else to say. He knew I was leaving and he knew he couldn't stop me, even though he wanted to.

   When the car pulled up ten minutes later, I shifted my weight and took a step forward. I didn't want to leave, not like this. But everything had lead up to that moment, and now it was crashing down around us.

   "Please, don't leave," he said, begging me.

   "I have to," I whispered, walking down the steps, leaving him on the porch.

   "I love you, Penelope," he called over, his voice not wavering.

   I looked back for a second, but regretted it instantly, then turned and walked down the long path towards the car that was waiting for me.