hydra | svt

CHAPTER FIFTY.

seungkwan

my earliest memory is not a happy one.

at first, there's nothing.

then the pattering begins. my hands shake as i read the words printed in thick black ink on the paper in front of me. they swim in my vision and begin to blot as, one by one, my tears smatter the letter.

my parents were oddly formal; they both had their hands folded solemnly in their laps. neither of them had said a word and i forever wondered why, when a million thoughts ran rampant through my mind.

but when i went to speak, i found that i couldn't. the words coagulated in my throat and meshed together to create a glob of questions that were untangle-able. and then i understood why my parents were so silent.

months later, i'm folded between the thin sheets provided by the hospital. i'm shaking violently but you can hardly tell as i rock my sister in my arms. an endless stream of tears wets her cheeks and her sobs wrack her frail body. she's much thinner than when i last saw her but i don't say anything as i rub a soothing hand up and down her back. clumps of dark hair decorate her pillow.

i gasp for air, the frigid temperature seizing up my body. i blink a few times through the darkness, slowly coming to terms with my surroundings - i'm back on the field. from where i am, i see no trace of the three mysterious boys who frankly saved my life.

there's a fourth, i'm sure; it takes me an awfully long time to realise that the fourth is in my lap somehow. i can neither remember when or how we ended up like this but one look at his blue lips and the shallow heaves of his chest comes with the realisation that i have to save him.

my hands tremble as i undo the zipper of my coat, one that i had considered not wearing out tonight. i'm glad that i did because now i can wrap it around this boy's body as a feeble shield from the cold creeping in.

as i fail to do up the zip for the third time, i cry out in frustration. the tears falling down my cheeks are nothing like before: they are hot and angry. i'm angry at my sister, for falling ill with leukemia, i'm angry at my parents for the emotionless front they put up. hell, i'm even angry at these strangers for risking their lives to save mine. but most of all i'm angry at myself. i should've stayed by my sister's side and taken on another shift at the hospital. i should've paid more attention in class so i wouldn't have to take after-school sessions.

and i should be able to do up this stupid jacket to at least give the dying boy in my lap a sliver of warmth before he won't be able to feel it much longer.

my hands shake so violently that i have to bunch up the material of my trousers to stop them. my skin pinches and twists with the fabric but i don't feel the pain as i look up towards the sky, wishing that my entire life was different.

on a whim, i let out a horrific, pained scream and i'm sure to pour every last drop of suffering into it as it dissipates quickly into the cool night.

my throat is about to give out and i gasp for another hoarse breath when all of a sudden i feel like i'm floating.

the weight of the boy's head in my lap vanishes and the frost threatening to consume me slowly melts away, cowering from the bright light that surrounds me. i let it swallow me whole as i cry my last tear, the remainder of my negative feelings falling with it. there's no sound in the bright light and for a split second, i'm calm.

then, it all comes crashing down.

the light becomes overbearing and i rip my hands from my sides to protect my eyes from the glare. my vision becomes spotted with mustard yellow and sweat beads on my forehead. it's suddenly too hot in my jumper and i toy with the collar nervously. my screams are silenced and the light trickles down my throat and through my ears and nose; it's slow at first but it builds up like treacle, sticking to the walls of my throat and clogging my nose so i cannot breathe.