STATIC; JR [2]

7.3

I felt so confused after leaving Felix's place, and so as I walked home my thoughts were focused intently on Jake — my actual boyfriend who I was currently deceiving. I wondered what he might say when we finally have that talk about our relationship and the other people who had threatened to tear it apart. 

I sighed to myself and stopped the brisk jog my slow walk had turned into; my stomach hurt with a stitch from the running and so I just stood there. With all the panting I was doing and the tears welling up in my eyes, I might as well have been sobbing. It was impossible not to notice the pit of guilt in my stomach and I realised I did want to cry, and that everything terrible I had been keeping in was about to come spilling over. 

I tried to take a deep breath but then figured out I couldn't breathe at all — after four other failed attempts at doing so it became apparent to me that I was having a panic attack. 

I wasn't so sure how to get myself to calm down; the only thing I felt I could do was just look around. I didn't pay too much attention to where I'd stopped during the walk but when I turned around and saw whose driveway I was in, I felt the shock sting my entire body. 

Suddenly, I was calm. Stoic. 

I could hear my heartbeat in my ears; even after everything we had been through, I honestly believed I had never heard anything so loud before, so when I said his name and no sound came out I was not taken aback. 

I watched Jake wave his phone in the air and laugh awkwardly as he stood coupled up with the girl he had grown to like at the front door of his home. I could sense the tone of the conversation quickly shifting to something heavy — he seemed sad, but I didn't feel the urge to run up from the gravel of the road and envelop him in an electrifying hug, because somebody else was there to do it for me. 

All I could do was stand there and observe the way Saskia pounced on him, her arms wrapped rather pensively around his neck, which was not the way I hugged him — no arms around the shoulders simply because I wasn't tall enough to reach them, instead they would be softly engaged around his waist, unintentionally giving the occasional squeeze when his breath tickled the back of my neck as he leaned down to kiss my cheek. 

I noticed his profile; the way his lips twitched into a small smile even though his eyes were dark and uncertain — also the way his hands remained clasped over the top of her backpack at first, but then swept beneath the thick coat of her hair as he cupped the back of her neck. 

I found that it was not the way he hugged me, either. This was way more intimate. 

There was want there, and I couldn't be upset by his desire to be around her when I had just come from Felix's bedroom — of all places in the world, and the timing could not be more immaculate. 

Saskia mumbled something as they parted, but the wind blew her words away so all I could wait on was Jake's response. It was lilted and soft like he cared deeply about the way she was feeling. "It's not your fault, you just weren't the right element — that's all. You're still magic." He said, and I supposed it was technically true. It didn't make things any easier, because of course, we all wanted somebody to blame; each other. 

She smiled at him but it didn't reach her eyes, and I saw him notice. It pained me to watch him trying to cheer her up and yet I felt nothing; it just felt like nothing. 

I wanted to turn around and run away, because it was what always saved me — running and hiding saved my life when there was a demon on our backs, and so if I could run faster than an inhuman spirit, then surely I could outrun my own irrational emotions — and yet I couldn't move. 

There was a tender moment between them after a few small chuckles and it occurred to me that I had not been spotted yet, perhaps it was because they were so interested in each other they weren't bothered by the world around them. 

Jake's arm stretched out to touch the side of Saskia's face and he stroked her cheek with his thumb as she gazed fondly into his blue eyes. His voice was quieter and less calculated, as if he wasn't thinking very hard about the consequences that would arise from what he was going to say. 

"You're still special." 

There wasn't much of a reaction from her, which confused me slightly; it was almost as if she had expected him to say it. I could barely make out the heat on her face with his hand rubbing her skin but alas, I knew it was there — it had to be there, because she liked him and he liked her, too. 

We were done. 

Something strange inside me made my legs storm up the cracked concrete of the driveway and it was then that they finally saw me. Jake's face turned pale; he removed his hand immediately as silence fell over them once again. I chose not to say anything, although there was much I wanted to unleash. I was just scared I might accidentally go too far — because my hands were a weapon I didn't want to use. 

"Edith, hey. What are you doing here?" He asked me, arms strict at his sides. I was kind of astounded by his question, honestly, and also the fact that Saskia remained by his side even with my arrival. 

I scoffed at him boldly, my eyes narrowed. "Are you serious? What is wrong with you?" I spat, only slightly feeling the twitch in my fingertips —  I pushed it to the back of my mind but knew I had to keep my cool. "What is she doing here?" 

My tone had irritated him and so his brows furrowed, his stance mostly defensive. "Why do you care?" He returned. "Who are you to talk, anyway? You like Felix!" He spat at me, stepping closer with a finger pointed at my chest. 

I clicked my tongue, wondering what might be going through his head in order for him to justify his actions with that. 

"Jake, if I like Felix, it's because he's saved my life more times than I can count on one hand — and yours too, for that matter." I said, my words rather clipped because of what he was using against me. I noticed the way his hands balled up into fists and knew I was pushing him but something blocked my ability to stop. 

I began to seethe at him, inching closer until I was right before him, chest to chest in this heated discussion. "If I like Felix, it's because he cares about the way I feel and because he's my friend who looks after me — not just some boy who showed up at school one day and wowed me from looks alone." 

He knew I had him then; there was no way he would leave this argument with the moral high-ground, but even though I started to feel the ground tremor with his anger I continued to torment him with the truth.  

"— and you know what? I never cared about Felix differently before you pushed me away. You changed the moment you saw her and I was just the same as Andy; invisible." 

The ground shook ferociously, a strong and deep rumble beneath that radiated through the bottom of my shoes. "See? Look at this! You're fucking angry because you know that's the truth —  because I know you. It's too complicated for us to be together, Jake — and I don't want to be anymore." 

My chest heaved up and down with breathing I couldn't control because finally I had said it; adrenaline rushed through me and my hands trembled with the power I was strong enough to hold back, unlike he who stood before me. He opened his mouth like he wanted to protest, and if he had then maybe I would have responded without the frost that my voice enveloped, but instead he just turned away, the ground still shaking. 

"Don't worry, Jake —  we're already done. You don't care about me, so don't destroy the whole town just because I hurt your feelings with the truth."