Tell Me I'm an Angel (Frerard)

Private Angel Log Entry Seven

Private Angel Log Entry Seven

When I first met Gerard, I rejoiced over the return of emotions that I hadn't realized I had been missing out on, but now I would do anything to have them taken away from me until he returned. I felt empty, terrified, pathetic, and he had only been gone for a few hours.

I hadn't realized how dependent I had become on him until now, and it hurt more than I had ever imagined to be separated from him. I had tried to keep a positive attitude over the past five days, but now that I was alone, I felt as if I was drowning in a tidal wave of despair.

I wanted to believe that he would return to me - fuck, he had to, but the fact that he might not had me spiraling into a seriously messed up state of mind. I couldn't seem to remember how to function like normal, I spent hours wandering around the house, trying not to break down crying before I gave up and locked myself in the bathroom so Mikey wouldn't hear my sobs.

I had long since cried myself out, now I was just lying on the cold tile floor as the shower water flowed around me, symbolizing the tears I had run out of. I didn't have the strength to stand up, even though the water was running cold, and in the back of my mind, I realized that I was extremely uncomfortable.

I found a strange beauty in the sad picture I presented; a worthless angel grieving over his demon lover, trying to drown his emotions with water like that would actually change anything about the way I felt inside. It almost seemed as if I was in my own personal bubble of despair, with nothing but the sound of falling water and my harsh breathing to keep me company.

I just didn't have the energy to get up and keep on faking my way through life without Gerard by my side. What was the point? I might as well just stay here until he returned, or until it became apparent that he never would.

I didn't know what I would do if he didn't...I owed it to Mikey to try and find some other way to save him, but if I knew how to do that, then I wouldn't be in this situation. At the very least, I would give him a proper funeral, Gerard would want me to do that if he wasn't able to.

Fuck - I am already thinking like he is dead, I can't do this to myself, but my brain seems determined to self-destruct, and I don't have any say in it. Someone seriously needs to invent an off switch for emotions, because I would pay a shit ton of money for one of those.

All I can think of is how I am going to end it if Gerard dies, I could storm Hell and take out as many demons as possible before they overwhelm me in some sort of sweet revenge for Gerard, or I could confront the archangels, they would put me to death for my sins, but I might be able to be the catalyst that gets them overthrown and makes God notice how fucked up everything has gotten in Heaven during his absence.

I wonder where he is...it's obvious he isn't present on Earth, because he would never turn a blind eye to the archangels power trip for this long, but as far as Brendon knows, he hasn't been seen in months.

A loud knock on the door interrupted my skewed thought pattern, and proved to be the motivation I needed to drag my shivering body off of the freezing floor. After slipping on some pants and running a towel through my soaked hair, I warily walked downstairs.

In any normal circumstances, I should have been on high alert, no one but Brendon was supposed to know about this hideout, so the fact that there was someone here right now couldn't be good news, but I was too fucked up to care if it was a horde of demons at the door, at least that way I would have something to distract myself with for a little while.

It wasn't demons though - if my senses were still functioning properly, and it wasn't an angel either; as far as I could tell, it was just an ordinary human. Probably some poor hiker or crazy ski enthusiast that got lost and wants a place to crash for the night. I debated just ignoring them until they went away, but curiosity had driven back some of my despair, and I wasn't eager to fall down into my depression again so soon.