Tell Me I'm an Angel (Frerard)

Private Angel Log Entry Six

Private Angel Log Entry Six

I haven't had a need to use this journal lately since everything has been going so wonderfully for me, but I should have known that it couldn't last. Gee was right...nothing ever goes right for us. Are we doomed to suffer one tragedy after another until it breaks us past the point of repair?

I'm so scared of losing him...I can't go on without Gerard in my life. I know that sounds pathetic, but it's true, but he won't change his mind...we argued all night, but he refused to budge on anything. Gerard is going to sneak into Hell, and I have no say in the matter.

The logical side of me knows he is actually right...I wouldn't have a chance against the hordes of demons in Hell, but I would much rather face them than risk losing Gerard forever. That doesn't stop my heart from breaking when I think of everything that could possibly go wrong.

I want to scream at something - or someone to fix this. There has to be another way to save Mikey that doesn't involve Gerard throwing his life away. I can't think about this anymore...it's killing me, and he hasn't even left yet.

I might as well record the conversation that occurred between Brendon and I. It will keep my mind distracted, and he imparted to me some things that I do not want to forget.

Gerard elicited to stay with Mikey just in case he had anymore hallucinations, so Brendon and I went back downstairs so we wouldn't disturb them. They both needed rest, and I could relay whatever was said back to Gerard later.

My heart felt like it was residing in my feet already, and I wasn't sure I wanted to listen anymore, but Brendon had assured me that I would want to hear the rest of his news. He was probably right, but how was I supposed to focus on anything right now when Gerard had just announced that he was going to return to the place we had tried so hard to extricate him from?

"Frank - you okay?" Brendon laid a friendly hand on my shoulder.

"No..." I sighed softly as I met his worried gaze.

"I'm sorry the Verium didn't work...I was so hopeful that it would, I didn't even really consider that we would have to use the other option."

"It's not your fault Bren. You have done more for us than we deserve. I just...fuck - I can't let him go back there. He is basically walking into his death, and I can't stand by and watch him do that." Tears stung my eyes, but I choked them back. Once I started crying, I wouldn't be able to stop.

"You really love him, don't you?" Brendon asked in a wondering voice.

"Yeah I do...more than I ever thought it was possible to love a person."

"Well I never thought I would see the day when you fell head over heels for anyone," Brendon chuckled.

"I didn't mean to...it just happened. He is my other half. When I am around him, everything is better somehow. I don't even know how to describe it."

"You don't have to, because I feel the same way when I'm around Ryan. That's true love Frank, and that doesn't happen often. You are one lucky man," he grinned at me.

"I really am, but that's exactly why I can't let him go. If something happens to him, I will break..." A sob interrupted me, and I broke off my sentence before I lost it completely.

"That's the rough thing about being in love. When you find that person that completes you, losing them is always a possibility, but if you don't let him go, his brother will die, and he won't be able to live with that either. It's a lose-lose situation."

"I'll find another way...I'll convince him to let me go or something. I don't know what, but I'm not giving up without a fight," I answered determinedly. Brendon gave me a sad look, telling me without words that I was grasping at straws, and deep down I knew he was right.