Tell Me I'm an Angel (Frerard)

Private Angel Log Entry Three

*trigger warning*

Private Angel Log Entry Three

I don't want to be an angel anymore...what is the point if I can't help people. We carry on the facade that we are so righteous, but yet we ignore the millions of people suffering around us...I never noticed before, but meeting Gerard has made me rethink so many things...and what happened today was the final straw that broke my absolute belief in Heaven.

After I fled from Gerard, I went before one of the archangels and asked permission to act as a temporary guardian for Mikey; even though my main job was to kill demons before they could corrupt human souls, I was sure my request would be granted. So you can imagine my shock when the angel informed me that I had been denied guardian privileges...

"The constant battle between Heaven and Hell is much more important than any one soul. We cannot lose our best fighter at a time like this. I will add him to the list of those in need of a guardian, but you will not be it," he quoted as if reading from a textbook.

"You don't understand, he needs an angel with him now, not some time in the foreseeable future!" I pleaded desperately, but my words fell on deaf ears.

"The matter is closed," was the only reply I could coax out of him.

After the frustrating meeting, I hurled myself onto my bed as tears poured down my face. I had so badly wanted to help Gerard in this, he had trusted his brother's well-being with me, and I was failing him all because some asshole archangel thought that his soul didn't count in the grand scheme of things. Ray found me in this dismal state a few minutes later.

"What's wrong Frank? You haven't been yourself lately, and I hate seeing you like this." He lowered himself on the bed next to me, and I knew he wouldn't leave until I gave him some information.

"I put in a request to guard a soul and I was denied..."

"Oh...well the demon to angel ratio has become incredibly weighted on their end, and we need you. You kill more demons in a month than some of us do in a year."

"I know...I realize that is important, and I know I have a job to do, but this soul needs me...I promised someone I would look after him, and now I can't - I feel like a failure. What's the point of being an angel if I can't help people?"

"But you do help people Frank! By ridding the world of demons, you save so many souls that could potentially fall to Hell because of them. What's put these thoughts in your head?"

"I am not sure...lately I just feel like Heaven isn't all it is cracked up to be. Sometimes I think we are more worried about our standing with Hell than actually doing good deeds. I mean, more than half of our angels are soldiers, and there is so many other ways to help the world besides killing. This whole system is corrupt."

"I don't like what you are implying...don't tell me that human - or whoever you are seeing - is planting twisted ideas in your mind." Anger flared bright and hot within me. I knew Ray wasn't trying to antagonize me, but he was turning a blind eye to the problems he didn't want to acknowledge, and I was sick of it.

"If you just came in here to interrogate me, then you can walk back out that door. Just because I actually have some original ideas doesn't mean someone is corrupting me. Just look around you, obviously what we are doing isn't working! Our numbers are diminishing by the day, less and less people want to be angels - and you know what, I don't blame them!"

"Frank...what you are saying is treason..."

"I don't care anymore! If that is what it takes to bring about change, then I am willing to do it!"