Tell Me I'm an Angel (Frerard)

Private Angel Log Entry Fourteen

Private Angel Log Entry Fourteen

I was attempting to close my eyes when I was heard voices arguing softly from one of the rooms. Deciding to go investigate - sleep wasn't going to happen anyway - I crept out into the hallway on silent feet, trying to determine who was up this late.

I probably shouldn't have been eavesdropping, but I was tired of lying in bed with only my thoughts to keep my company, and I was eager for any excuse to escape my mind for a short while.

I stopped outside Brendon and Ryan's room, it was definitely their voices that had captured my attention, but it was surprising to me that they were fighting; usually they were in perfect sync with each other, but obviously something had upset them. Being the nosy bastard I was, I settled down on the floor outside of their room and listened.

"You don't control me Brendon! I can make my own decisions and I'm going!" Ryan hissed out angrily, and I recoiled slightly at the venom in his tone. I hadn't thought sweet quiet Ryan possessed the ability to sound so pissed off.

"Like fuck you are! This is a matter between demon and angels - you are still human Ry, so please just let me take you home," Brendon pleaded softly, but I could hear Ryan's scoff through the wooden door.

"I am a part of this too! I basically planned this whole fucking thing - I deserve to be there!" Ryan protested loudly.

"Ry - if you are there, I won't be able to concentrate, I will be trying to watch you the whole time, and I need to be focused on the battle. I would leave you here, but without any angels to protect you, I can't risk it. The safest place for you to be is at your apartment okay?"

"Oh yeah - just ship me off to safety so I can drive myself crazy waiting to hear if you are still alive," Ryan's words were thick with tears, but they still carried quite a bite to them.

"I will be fine - it's you that I'm worried about," Brendon argued back.

"Who cares if I die? I will just turn into an angel anyway - I wouldn't even mind if I became a demon! At least I would get to see you more!" Ryan lost his composure completely, and I knew without seeing him that tears were pouring down his face.

"I care! I want you to have a full life. I didn't get that chance, but you can!" Footsteps sounded across the creaky floor, and I assumed that Brendon had moved to Ryan's side to comfort him. I briefly wondered how Brendon had died...I think he had mentioned it once before - from an illness maybe, but I pushed it out of my mind when they continued talking.

"It's not like I will cease to exist. I know that if I get killed, I won't really die, just my body." Ryan choked out hoarsely.

"This is why God doesn't want humans to know about angels...he didn't even want to let me come visit you, but I think he took pity on me, but Ry - your life right now matters. Yes, you will keep existing after death, but it's not the same okay, and I don't want that for you. I won't risk you out there on a battlefield, and you need to accept that."

"I can't - I can't go back...please don't make me?" Ryan's voice had grown so quiet, I could barely make out what he was saying.

"Ry...what's wrong, and don't say that you are worried about me - I know it is more than that."

"I don't want to live anymore...if it wasn't for your visits once a month, I don't know where I would be..." Ryan admitted softly.

"Ry...why would you say that?" Brendon gasped.

"It hasn't been the same since you died...I didn't want you to worry, but...fuck - I can't even say it."

"Baby what happened?" Brendon pressed gently. I found myself holding my breath so I wouldn't miss a word that was spoken. I barely knew Ryan, but seeing this side of him broke my heart, and I wanted to know what had brought him so much pain.