Breathing

Chapter 24:

I removed the cold fabric and took my bra and underwear off before pulling on the fresh clothes Ezra had handed me.  I was freezing from the inside out and needed to thaw out.  I threw the wet clothes in the bathtub and walked over to the bed to pull the covers back.  I wanted to sleep everything away. This was not how I thought today would go.

I had spent the beginning of the day thinking I was really going to move forward with my life only to end up circling back to where I started.  I was fooling myself, thinking I was ready for real this time. I was stuck. My heart would always be with him even though he wasn't mine to have.  Ezra and I were bonded together for life by the little blue-eyed girl we created.

I closed my eyes and fell under into a dreamless sleep.

"Momma." I woke up to Jessa screaming at me.

I pulled my eyelids open just far enough to see the little dark-haired beauty sitting on the bed looking down at me.

"Hi, Baby." I smiled and pulled her down to me to hug and kiss her.  "I missed you so much."

"Sorry, I didn't want to wake you, but Jessa wanted you."  I was surprised to find Ezra standing in the doorway.  I would have thought he would have gone home by now.  Night had taken over the sky and it was getting pretty late.

"No, it's not a problem. I need to get up anyway."  I yawned as I ran my hands over Jessa's dark curls.

"I found your wet clothes in the tub when I went to give Jess a bath and I gave them to your Mom to wash for you."

"How'd the bath go?" I smiled, thinking about how Ezra never got to experience all the simple everyday things with her.

"She likes bubbles... like really likes them. She tried to eat them. Getting her dressed was another headache. I don't know how you ever make that happen." He smiled.

"It takes lots of practice." I ran my hands over her head. 

"She started asking for you a little bit ago. I think she's getting pretty tired. Your Mom made dinner about two hours ago and there are some leftovers for you in the fridge if you're hungry."  He said, stretching and yawning.  He looked like he was worn out too.

"Thanks for staying."  I said, looking up at him.

"I really enjoyed being here with her today." His eyes shifted down to the ground as if it was something he should have been embarrassed about.

Jessa was already dozing off into sleep and I pulled her into me to hold her like a little baby.  She may be getting bigger, but I still liked to cradle her in my arms.

"I am really sorry about what happened today."  Ezra blurted out.  I looked up at him. I was not expecting an apology from him.  I should be the one apologizing for being the Queen of Chaos.

When I didn't respond, he took it as his cue to keep going. 

"I can't even imagine how hard this has been for you. I know you were only trying to do the right thing for her. I want to do the right thing for her too. I don't even know if I know what that means yet, but I want to try to figure it out.  I want our little girl to grow up knowing how special she is.  We can't do this together if we are constantly up and down. We have to find a way to keep ourselves level."

"I know. This has been a lot harder than I thought it would be."  I was rocking Jessa on my lap.

"I do really need to take off.  Jenna is already freaking out on me because I have been gone all day.  Please let me know if I can help you or if Jessa needs anything."  He said, yawning.

"I will." I said, smiling at him.  "Good night and be safe getting home."

"Goodnight, beau..." Ezra stopped himself and his cheeks flushed in embarrassment.  "Goodnight, Ry."

He turned and ran out of the doorway as fast as his legs would move.  I smiled and lowered my head to love on the little girl sleeping in my arms.  I leaned back against the headboard and fell back asleep, holding my world.

As soon as I stepped foot into work the following night, Rachel was following behind me like a shadow, prying her way into the details of my non-existent love life.

"What happened with Matt?" Rachel questioned.

"Not my type."  I shrugged, trying not to go into any specifics with her.

"He told Jules you were crazy."  She laughed.

"Well, that's kind of true."  I agreed, smiling back at her.

"You are better off.  Matt is an imbecile.  I wish I knew he had asked you out before you gave him an answer. I would have told you to stay far away from that." She laughed at me.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I pulled it out to look at it.  It was Ezra. I was a little surprised he text me so soon after what happened after my date. I expected him to give me a little breathing room to sort out my head. I knew he still was working on sorting out his too.                           

Ezra: Can you bring Jessa to the park tomorrow?

Me: Sure, 1:00 PM?

Ezra: Perfect.

"What are you smiling so big for? It doesn't have anything to do with a tall, dark man who chased Matt away, does it?" Rachel smiled and popped some of the pretzels on the bar in her mouth.

"He wants to see Jessa tomorrow again." I said, grabbing a few myself.

"Well, it's about time he got it together. It took him long enough." She said.

"He's really good with her." I said, covering my mouth while chewing.  

"Yeah, I kind of figured.  It fits his personality. He's got that whole brooding, don't mess with my daughter or I will end you kind of vibe."  Rachel snorted.

"Totally." I chuckled to myself.

"Matt told Jules that you threw yourself at him and tried to get him to sleep with you. He said you couldn't keep your hands off him and he had to let you down easy." Rachel was trying to hide her laughter.

"That never happened. He was the one trying to get me to go back to his place."  I defended myself. 

"Well, I know that.  I told you Matt is an idiot."  She popped a few more pretzels in and smiled. 

"Ugh, I will never understand men!"  I laid my head back down on the bar, grumbling and tapped my head against it a few times. "I swear I am going to be single forever."

"You could get a dog? I heard they're pretty loyal." Rachel suggested.

I hit her with my rag and she rubbed the spot on her arm like I hurt her. It was easy for her to pick at me. She had the most amazing life with a husband who adored her. She had her Prince Charming, and I got kissed by a frog who thought he was a prince in disguise during a terrible date that should have never happened.  I was having a Riley pity party and it wasn't even 5:00 PM. 

It was going to be a really long shift tonight.