Treasure tales

Jaehyuk #4: Inner thoughts

"What are you looking at?" Jaehyuk asked me quizzically. "I've got to go home too. But I gotta take you home first."

"I never said you had to. I can get home just fine by myself," I responded crossly. "I am perfectly capable of self defence."

Jaehyuk laughed. I smiled at him, silently enjoying the sound of his laughter, and the soft twinkle of his two eyes that reflected the glittering stars above.

"Silly girl," he teased lightheartedly, softly ruffling my hair. I wasn't used to him doing that to me but I noticed that he did that to all his friends, so I decided to just let him. 

"Of course you're capable of defending yourself, with that sharp tongue and defensive attitude of yours," Jaehyuk continued affectionately. "I'm doing this only because I want to. You're strong, but I still want to be there for you, you know."

I widened my eyes and quickly turned away from him. I was glad that the night could hide any tinge of pink on my cheek. I wasn't used to such show of affection even in my daily life, so it took me by surprise. I groaned. Jaehyuk was the kind of guy who could take any girl's heart, with his constantly warm and kind disposition, and his constant show of affection towards everybody.

"I was looking at the stars," I said after a while. "I look at them whenever I'm out at this time, as a habit. They're pretty, aren't they?"

"I'd like to see the stars with you," Jaehyuk remarked. I turned to look at him in confusion.

"Nothing, just thought it would clear my head a little if I could do something so nice with a companion," Jaehyuk flashed a small smile. He looked down, and I saw his face darken again. He looked so sad that I could not help but want to respect his wishes.

"All right," I conceded, even though I had a lot of work left undone. "I'm gonna disappear for three weeks this time afterwards, okay? Where do you think is a fitting location for this?"

Some 30 minutes later we were sitting on a patch of grass a good distance away from my place. I messaged my parents that I was going to be home late and made up some excuse about purchasing some last minute stationery.

I threw a sideway glance away from Jaehyuk. While I admitted this was a nice place, with just nature stretching as far as the eye could see, it bothered me that Jaehyuk hadn't even looked up at the sky even once.

"So...what about the stars..." I asked awkwardly.

Jaehyuk shook his head. "The stars never really mattered, Rin," he said. He dragged his words as he said so. I could tell he was tired. "I just wanted company. I'm sorry if I bothered you."

Jaehyuk's eyes bore a slightly watery quality that night. I furrowed my eyebrows when I realised that he probably wasn't okay, and haven't been for a while.

"You're sad."

Jaehyuk nodded. "I've been thinking for quite a while," he said. "Perhaps it had part of me for a long time, but only after everything did it begin to really dawn on me. You see, other than my looks I was never really a person that had it going for me. I was never the best, always just the one hiding at the back."

"That's not true!" I argued. "All those times I felt awkward and nervous with the Treasure members, it was always you who cheered me on. You're one of the kindest people I know, Jaehyuk."

Jaehyuk shook his head. "But I never really wanted to admit it," he continued as if I had never said a thing. "While Hyunsuk continues being the respectable leader everybody loves, Yedam being the ace and everyone else having such amazing powers. And even in my everyday life. So many other people going on stage to receive awards while I...watched."

"Jaehyuk, no! That's--" I protested.

"Thanks for worrying about me, Rin," Jaehyuk said in amusement. "But don't worry too much, okay? You gotta worry your sweet little head over something more worth your attention."

I gritted my teeth in frustration. "But if I don't worry for you, I can't tell you what I think! What happens in other times and other places does not matter right this moment, because right this moment I am the one who's here! And because I'm the one who happens to be here, I must do everything I can to tell you that you are much more than what you think you are. Otherwise do I just agree with you and proceed to contradict my true opinions?"

Jaehyuk widened his eyes. "Rin..." He stammered.

"You always act as if you're so confident, and so tough, but all those times...it must have hurt, right?" I sniffed. "I know it so well. All those times honor students stood on stage while I clutched my results slip, trembling with a mixture of frustration and sadness. All those times someone achieves some prestigious award on stage that I didn't even know about. Life is so difficult, isn't it?"

At this point I felt his warm hands grip mine own tightly, shivering violently.

"I'm sorry," he panted. "I just needed some warmth. Could you lend me your warmth? Just a little bit of human touch for just a little bit would be enough, so please, let's just stay like this until I'm ready to let go. Please...Rin..."

"You don't have to let go," I murmured. "I mean, my hand yes, eventually. I need to go home. But should you ever need help from me, I will try my best for you. Also..." I looked away. "I feel like I also know some things better because of you. Like tonight. While I talk to you I configure my own thoughts and worldview and readjust according to the circumstances I encounter. It's not a parasitic relationship, but a mutually beneficial one. So please don't ever hesitate or feel bad about it."

"I'm tired," he muttered sleepily. "I'm tired of always pretending I'm okay. I'm tired of always putting on a brave front..."

He seemed not to hear me anymore, so I muttered a soft "me too" before I comfortingly patted his back. I allowed him to rest for some five minutes before deciding it was time to wake him up and return home.