"Etheral"- Dazai x reader

Chapter 14

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5 years have passed 

since Dazai left from Port Mafia. Time sure passes quickly. Now I am 23 years old. As I matured, I learned great things. I improved the control over my ability, won a war against a british organization. Chuuya has also matured. He's very serious and controlling. A lot of units are under his control. We had become more fearsome and unstoppable. It was just a feeling inside us that craved bloodlust and power. 

Sometimes, I sit and remember the words of that day which still haunt me today;

"To this day, I still think I don't have the will to live. But then again, I ask myself, If that is the case then why am I still alive?"

 I didn't hear from Dazai since then, nor have I seen him. A lot of times when I sit in my office I wonder how he is doing. Is he happy? Has he found happiness in his new life? Does he still try to commit suicide everyday? A complex man has complex answers.

I wanted to hate him, but I simply couldn't. He was right. At the start, I hated him. It hurt me that I finally trusted someone, and that someone left me in the middle of this journey we call life. But now, I have no such feeling towards him. I miss him dearly. Something in me wanted to kill and torture him, another side wants to hug him once again to feel his sweet aroma and touch his fluffy brown hair. The duality of my feelings and thoughts were really making it hard for me when it came to making rational decisions.

I missed his morning letters and short poems, his little flirting and mature conversations. Those random compliments of him that used to make my day. The late night talks in his room while drowning in his soft embrace. I really missed his smile the most. But still, I can't deny the fact that he abandoned me. I still ask myself how did I predict all of this years ago?

"Isn't it funny how we fall in love with people who don't love us back? With people who for sure are going to break us..."

I admit it. I fell in love, and I fell hard. So hard, that I'm still trying to get up, to get over it. At first, I wasn't sure it was love. What is love anyway? A feeling in your stomach? A little blush on the cheek? A shared cotton candy? A dance in a ball? A night under the sheets? Or perhaps, love letters and poems?

I keep asking myself many questions about it. What made me realize I was so deeply in love with Dazai? I realized it when he left  me... How my life came back to being a monotonous boring routine, a dark path with no light. A complete stranger comes and touches me like no one has ever touched me before. He teaches me to love and to be loved. He becomes a friend, then a lover. Soon after he had become a major part in your life, a reason to smile and go on, he leaves to be a stranger again. Is this a normal cycle of how things go in life?

I got up every morning without a reason to rise from my slumber. Smile was a foreign emotion to my face. All these years, he never left my mind. However, I think I never crossed his mind again. He did say he was leaving his past behind. I was and still am a part of his past, left behind and forgotten. I was tempted to find him, to say: "Come back Dazai, come back to me, please."  

But as a lot  of things, I couldn't do that either. I simply couldn't make the man I love regress by doing something he no longer wants to do. He did what I never had the courage to do. Leave.

I have to let my feelings aside. I'm a grown woman now, better start to act like one. However, I can't help but question myself if he misses me, or if he still remembers who I am...

As all these thoughts cause me a headache, my phone rings. I pick it up, lazy to answer.

"Hello?"