Where Do We Go from Here?

xviii.

"What is it with you men and your emotions?" I say, swaying the brush in the air before it can hit the white coated wall.

"I think I only deserve half the anger, don't you think?" Cobi says with his eyes plastered on his book and his back perfectly flat against the wall while seating on the cold concrete floor. 

"I mean, will the world end if he-he said, 'Oh you know, I'm sad Nam, let's not talk about it.'" I swirl my brush in the palette, mixing blue paint with a tint of grey and white, knowing for the next few minutes it would not touch its canvas because of my preoccupied mind. "But no, he went for the intimidation tactic. He acted like he was gonna kiss me so I'd shut up."

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"Why would he act like he was planning on kissing you? It doesn't make sense." Cobi has never once lent me his eyes since he started reading his book and I started telling him what happened with Rocky on the way here. He has been using his casual and detached tone that I have been fooled for a minute he isn't paying attention to the details. But he is Cobi and he sees the gap. 

"I-I don't know either," I replied putting down the brush and the palette and picking up my pencil to retrace the already there markings. "I guess he knew that's when I'll be most intimidated, you know?"

"I don't know..." he trails off and I bit my lip. "It's either that or he's a straight up pervert."

"Maybe," I say. "But what if it's his signal, like, he said I'll just kiss you when I'm sad, and then he said he almost did. What if he's telling me he is sad?"

I hear a stifled laugh and see Cobi putting down his book. He looks at me and says, "You've gone that far and you haven't even thought for one second maybe he just wanted to kiss you in that moment? Just kiss you. Period."

I try to remember his face, the way he was leaning towards me, the suffocating air inside the car, my heart beating too fast. "No, that's not it."

That can't be it. 

"Of course, that's not it," Cobi says with a smirk on his face as he moves beside me to look at the empty canvas. "So we'll stick with pervert then."

"Yeah, let's stick with that," I answer and he laughs. 

"When are you gonna start anyway?"

"I don't know," I throw the pencil and throw my back on the wall and cross my legs. "I don't know what to do draw. I keep going back and forth with the ideas," I confess as I scuffle all my sketches in front of me.

"Why not just draw two Asians kissing?" Cobi says and I roll my eyes instantly. He's not letting it go. 

"Nam!" A familiar voice shouts. I turn my head and see Theo holding his phone at eye level. 

"Hey, man," he greets Cobi and sits down between us. He tilts his phone to face me and says, "Here's Nam, Mom." 

For a moment, I almost forgot how to act. This is the first time since my outburst that I am talking to Mom but thank god for reflexes and muscle memory, somehow I mouth, "Hi, Mom!"

"Hi, honey! Hi, Cobi! Looking handsome, as usual," she giggles but something about her smile tells me her lips are too heavy to turn up. 

"Thank you, Aunt Marie. Hope you're doing good there!" Cobi squeezes himself in the camera's view as both Theo and I lean slightly backwards. 

"Oh, I'm good. I'm good. Is that the painting, little one?"

I smile weakly as Theo turns his head to look at a blank wall and Cobi returns to his seat.