The Cheerleader's Side Piece

Coping(9)

It was three-fifteen in the morning when I woke up to loud banging.  Instantly I threw myself out of bed and went into the living room to see Cassie breaking things.  She wasn't yelling, actually, she was shaking and mumbling under her voice.  I went in front of her as she tried to pick up another vase to break.  "Cassie... Cassie, I need you to look at me," I took her hands into mine, moving my head around with hers to catch her eyes.  She was mumbling under her breath, whining, and crying. 

A manic episode.

I quickly placed her arms around my torso and pulled her into a hug.  She struggled against me, trying to shove me and break from my grasp, but I held her still.  "Cassie... it's okay.  It's okay Cassie... just breathe... just breathe for me baby," I could feel her stiffening, still breathing heavily but soon she actually spoke up.

"I... I hate her... I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I hate her..." on and on she continued saying that.  It almost seemed as if she was in some kind trance.  I just kept holding her, rubbing her head and telling her that everything was alright.   It took about an hour to completely settle her.  I gave her her medication and sat her down on the sofa.  On my knees I peer up at her, my hands rested on her knees.  She was shaking still, but less than before.

Messaging her knee and thigh, I said softly, "What triggered this Cassie?  Can you tell me?"

Her eyes were still wide, empty.  She was peering around the room as if she had no idea where she was.  She brought her eyes to me for a moment and when she did she broke out into tears, "I hate her!  I hate her! I hate her!"  Again I engulfed her in a hug and held her close.  Consoling her and trying my best not to let her do anything reckless.

Again after an hour, Cassie was finally becoming stable.  After watching and analyzing the situation, I realized it was a bipolar episode.  Right now, she's sitting on the couch doing breathing exercises.  Counting aloud for her, I see her shoulders loosen up and her legs stop shaking.  "Good job Cassie, one more round.  One, two, three, four; now release.  One, two, three, four; inhale.  One, two, three, four.  Good job," I go to her, kneeling before her.  She opens her eyes, slowly looking up at me.  I smile at her, take her hand and leave a little kiss on top.  "What made you so angry Cassie?" I asked.

"I saw her," she muttered.  Her eyes twitching and unable to keep eye contact long.

"Saw her where?"

"When I slept," she said, her hands tightening into a fist.

I unravel her hand and intertwine our fingers.  Rubbing my thumb on top of hers I say, "She isn't here Cassie.  She won't come near you, she never will.  You're okay.  You're okay."  She looks at my face, reaching out with her hand and outlining my nose and mouth.  Whenever her hand stopped in front of my lips, I pecked her fingers, knowing she wanted that.  After going over my face for about six minutes, she threw herself onto me.  She wasn't crying, wasn't breathing heavy or whining.  She was very quiet.  So I rubbed her back and kissed the side of her head and muttered, "I love you, Cassie."

"Never leave me," she muttered, "you can't leave me... I can't do this without you... you can't leave me."

"I'm not going anywhere Cassie," I whispered back, feeling her tighten her arms around me, "I'm right here.  I'm not leaving.  It's okay Cassie.  I love you."

"Please don't leave me," she started to cry on my shoulder.  Her sobs were loud and rough.  I just held her until she fell asleep.   I then carried her to my bedroom and laid down with her.  Pulling her close, I soon drifted off to sleep.

~

In the morning, everything was different.  She was cleaning, humming a little tune, and dancing around.  Though she seemed high and happy, she couldn't sit still.  I walked out to her, calling her, "Cassie."

She stopped abruptly, turned and rushed to me.  At the speed of light, she spoke, "There was a nest of baby birds in the tree across the street!  Can we go play with them?  Or maybe go feed them?"

"We can't touch the babies, the mommy will get scared," I said, but before she could freak out I said, "but we can go look at them a little later.  Wanna have breakfast?"

"Ooooh, can we have pancakes with eggs and bacon?  I like my pancakes covered with butter and smothered with syrup!  And I want that syrup that has the lady shaped bottle?  Or the one from back then when your grandma would make pancakes for us!  I want that one!" She was shaking her hands like crazy and her voice was much higher than usual.  I nodded my head and told her to get dressed so we can get food.  The way she frolicked down the hall, I was happy she was enjoying life... but the crash would be hard to manage.

It was normal for Cassie to go through episodes; be manic or depression.  There were times I had to stop her from overdosing, times I had to calm her down from hitting herself, and so much more.  It is hard... it's exhausting and terrifying, but I do love her.  I do love her and I want to be the one to support her through everything.  No matter how stressful, tired, and dangerous it might be... I wanna be the one to stand beside her. 

She came out in blue pants, a flannel, and beanie.  Going over to her, I helped her put on her boots and listened to her to rambling.  As I stood up, I left a little kiss on her forehead and stared into her eyes.  She finally stared into mine, a massive smile on her face. 

"Cassie?"

"Yes?" She tilted her head with a big smile.

"I love you."