The Cheerleader's Side Piece

The Fall Pt. 4(5)

It was night now, my parents no longer were at my door. They weren't talking nor asking questions. Knowing them, they're probably asleep because they have work tomorrow. The only light in my room was from the streets cascading in. Even the moon was covered. I'd been in the same position all day, curled up under the sheets. At least now I wasn't shaking, my breathing was still erratic but I felt a bit calmer now. My back was cramping and so was my arms from being all curled. Pushing myself up, I get light headed. I removed the stuff from my door, opening it slightly. Peering out I made sure nothing was there and slipped out, going downstairs and heading straight out the front door. Walking down the streets, I turn to head towards the library that was open for twenty-four hours.

Inside was warm, only a few people. Mostly college students hammering out some last minute projects. Down the fictional aisle, I came across the book Victoria mentioned a while back. Holding the hardcover in my hands, I sit down in the middle of the aisle and begin reading. At first I just paid attention to the story but as I flipped the pages and got into more and more chapters, I began to think of Victoria and that night... that Sunday night.

•flashback•

"I don't care what you said Antonia... I know you were lying that day and even if you want to persuade me into thinking something else, I won't. Why? Because honestly... I don't want to think that's true... and even if it is... I don't care. I just don't care! I don't get why you're so... so stubborn. Why you're staying with someone who cheats on you. Is it out of fear? Are you just comfortable with being an object? I don't get it, but that's not my job to get. I like you Antonia... I really really like you and I don't know how else to convey that. I have no idea how to make you understand. All I know is when I see you walking around you seem so dead and I don't know why, but I can't ask you because of Cassidy. You do whatever she wants and I just don't know why. I don't get it Antonia! I don't get it... so please... please explain to me why you can't bring yourself to like me and why you love Cassidy so much?"

Motionless, I just gawked at her. Nothing registered in my mind yet, not a single word. All I could do was stare at her. However she was different. It was obvious she felt every word, meant it completely. She stood there bare and open. Her eyes filled with pleas; please to just explain, to give her something. The truth is I didn't have an answer. No, I didn't. I didn't understand much but I couldn't bear to see the rain keep falling on her. Stepping to the side, I open the door for her. Hesitation shows on her face but after a couple moments of confusion, she took my offer. It was quiet, extremely quiet between us. Handing her some towels and clothes from my mother's closet, I went to the kitchen to make something to drink. For some reason green tea was the only thing I could come up with, it seemed my mind was still paralyzed.

I only came to when I heard her come in. There was a distance between; she remained near the couches while I was in the kitchen. Though we were more than seven feet apart, it felt as if she was beside me. Pouring the water into her cup, watching it slowly take on a greenish shade. We both remained silent even as I delivered the drink to her. She stood tall, her hair still a little damp. I was about two feet from her, short and dry. She sipped the drink, softly placing it on the counter beside us, "Thanks."

Again I said nothing, unsure why. It seemed that my voice was just stuck. Unable to face her, I moved away to go clean-up, but she grasped my arm. Without realizing it, I shoved her away, my adrenaline pumping. We both held the same look; confusion, pent up anger, and pain. We could read the other so easily, yet neither of us could truly understand one another. She placed the cup down, moving towards me. Her long strides, her overwhelming height, it all terrified me. The closer she got, the more steps I took to run away, but she wasn't easily pushed away. Capturing me between the couch and her body, I trembled under her eyes. Our bodies never touched, only our breaths. Our eyes remained set on each other, as if we were searching for the answers deep within each other. I wanted to reach out to her, to confess the sins I have committed, to beg her to cleanse me. I wanted to wash away the scars, the marks and pain I had piling deep within my heart. I needed her to save me.

I needed someone to save me from my mind. From the memories, from the constant torment I am under. I could no longer close my eyes without seeing her vicious eyes. I couldn't open a door without thinking 'is she there'. It seemed as if I was under a curse that stung me so deeply. My skin no longer was mine, my body wasn't mine.

Tears fell down my face, my hands clamping down onto her... tugging on her shirt. Hanging my head, I watched my hair fall around me. These disgusting obnoxious cries fell out of me. They pierced the air, stopping time. My body heaved, heaved and thrusted. I felt my soul slowly healing with every scream. Dropping to my knees, I held onto her shirt and beg; begged in a way I didn't even know I could. "S-Stop me from thinking... stop those damned pictures! Stop her from clawing at me, biting me and claiming me. Stop the fucking pain I'm feeling! Just fucking end it! Knock me out! Kill me! Do what you must but I can't... I can't keep doing this anymore! I can't keep seeing her when I see my eyes, I can't keep feeling so fucking scared. Save me. Fucking save me before I lose myself completely....

"This body... this horrid body," I ripped at my skin, feeling the pleasing sting ripple on every inch I touched, "I... I'm so fucking disgusting... I'm so fucking pathetic! This isn't my body anymore... I can't look into the mirror without seeing it... without thinking of it... without feeling it.... Please... please end me... strangle me to death. Do whatever it takes to stop this... to stop this pain." She tried to pull me into her arms, but I pushed away. Again she tried, but I fought her, "No! Stop! I can't handle this anymore! Just stop this! Please stop it! End it!"

"Antonia!" She shouted but I kept screaming. Pushing and shoving, but she didn't give up. Pinning me to the floor, she cried over me. Our tears mixed together on my cheeks. Both of us hysterical yet finally free. I felt the chains that hand clamped on me disappear, slowly... so slowly...

But her eyes remained... they'll always remain. As long as I keep this body, her touch and eyes will always remain and will never leave.

*End of Flashback*

By the time I finished the book, it was already daylight. The sun has come over the horizon, peering over the bookshelves. I had been crying the whole time, weeping like a lost child, but I felt alive. I felt normal again, like my mind has finally stopped spinning. That this dark hole I was falling into was unwinding and I was rising above the surface. Placing the book away, I went back to the front of the building, clutching my arms that were sore. I didn't dare wipe my tears away, let the world see them. These tears will no longer stay hidden. They will be shone.

Taking a deep breath. "'Victoria... I love Cassidy... Please stop trying to come after me... stop loving me because I can never love... I don't care about you. So leave me alone,'" I breathed, watching the fog come floating out of my mouth. Those words I told her that day... they are words that I regret.  Holding onto my swollen arms, I sigh, "Some of those words were a lie, but some were truth. I love you Victoria, but not how I love Cassie... I care so much for you, I'd do anything for you, but I do not love you like I love Cassie..." I walked out onto the sidewalk, hearing the cars pass by. When I ended in front of my house, the house I was and still am afraid of, I squeezed my arms and smiled. "I refuse to let this continue Cassie... so come find me but when you come... do not expect the Ani you know... I won't allow this torment to continue, but I will not give up on us... not yet."