The Cheerleader's Side Piece

Do It Over Again(7)

"Have you ever hated yourself?"

That was the question that played in my head seven years ago.  Sitting in my seat as the professor stretched across the floor of the class.  It was a question that made the air tense, that forced us students to freeze and focus.  He knew it caused damage, but he knew it was important to ask.

"An individual who hates themselves will do massive harm to themselves and no... not just suicide or self-harm," he said, stopping right in front of my section, holding my eyes, "I'm talking about a harm that is masked and romanticized in media. "  He moved to his desk, having his finger linger over it.  He continued this for about four laps around his desk, when he stopped right in front of me again, "Those who hate themselves we'll endure relationships; parents, siblings, friends, or lovers, who cause harm to them.  I'll give an example.

"A young girl who has lived in a house were she was denigrated her whole life; called an idiot, pathetic, and useless," he clicked the monitor to show the next slide, "she is most likely to fall into a relationship later in life, where her significant other will berate her.  Insult her, manipulate her, and cause internal harm.  This is because she has fallen into a cycle." 

Screen after screen, words after words... I felt my soul cripple up... fall into a deep black hole... That was me... I was the young girl who was trapped in some vicious cycle. 

It was the first time I realized the issues... realized the bigger picture.

That summer I traveled to England and multiple places in Europe.  During the time I interviewed about twenty famous psychologist; questioning, researching and discovering my past one page at a time.  It wasn't until my senior year of college did I receive Cassie's diary in the mail. 

And with that, a hundred more questions came.

~

My apartment was dim, everywhere was black except the room my desk light shone.  It was one forty in the morning and I was out on the patio, staring out at the lit city.  The air here was colder than before, was thicker and darker.  It rained more often and the sun came out probably once or twice a year now.  The people more hallow and lonely... the cars more robust and expensive.  The buildings have became shorter and the lights dimmer.  "It's a pain to get older," I muttered, stretching out my exhausted arms, "but it eats at everyone at some point."

I dwell outside for a couple of minutes but when the breeze makes me shiver a little too much, I head inside.  The apartment was much warmer than outside, no not because I turned on the heater or whatever... there's just no breeze here.  Heading to my desk, I pull out her file to read over again.  The same information presented itself:

Cassidy Winters

Age: Currently 26

Age of Incident: 17

Relations: Father and Mother

Deceased Relations: NONE

Diagnoses: Hormonal Outburst leading to Self-Harm

I remember the first time I opened this report.... I also sent it flying out the window and onto the street.  It wasn't a 'Hormonal Outburst'... Cassie was sick... she still is.  Flipping through the papers of immunization and health reports taken over the last eight years, I finally get done with the bullshit and toss it aside. 

Picking up her journal, I turn to entry 54:

"Hi;

It's so weird to be writing in this thing... I feel as if she will find it.  If so, I'm kinda dead.  Anyway, today Ani came over to teach me some chemistry stuff.... which I still can't do because I'm seriously pathetic and useless!  I appreciate how much effort she puts in but... I'm really stupid."

This was one of the many entries that spoke to me back then when I was studying.  It had examples of unhappiness, tiredness, anxiety and isolation.  Though she spent time with someone, she was isolating herself in her mind.  Insulting herself and categorizing herself as useless, she blocked herself from reaching out and becoming stronger. 

Entry 68:

"Hey;

Things have been... weird.  Lately I can't seem to remember things.  Like yesterday, I remember talking to Ani in our first period for Mrs. Schauner but then things go blurry or just kinda vanish.  Next thing I know, I'm at home in my room.  It seems as if I'm just going through the moments... that I'm missing part of my life or living in fragments.  It's very weird and kinda... scary. 

But that's really the only weird thing.  Mom is still acting her way.  The other day she got angry with me cause when I was with Ani I had a funnel cake (they're so good).  She said 'too many calories' and 'you're getting fat', so she made me puke it up.  Ehhh I kinda can't remember the puking part, kinda blurry to be honest.  Like I know she shoved me into the bathroom to puke but like... I don't remember puking.  Eh, maybe I'm just really tired.  Been training to become a cheerleader when I go to high school.  Mom says I have to or I'll never get married.

It'd suck if I can't get married."

I remember the day we went to the Del Mar Fair with each other.  My parents had an extra ticket and I really wanted to bring her.  Took over two weeks to have her mom say yes, but at the time you just pass it off as she's protective.  During the time we were there, I kept wanting to try all the food and Cassie.... she refused.  She told me she didn't like greasy things or she wasn't hungry.  At some point I saw a funnel cake and I begged her to share one with me since...  it way too big for me to finish since I ate a crap ton of food that day.

She refused and refused but soon gave in.

Looking back, she didn't seem to enjoy eating the desert.

I see why now.

Closing her journal and pushing it aside, I stare at the picture of us during our eight grade promotion.  By then I knew I liked her.   She was all I could think about, day in and day out.  I was excited to spend the next four years of our life together... unaware of the hell that would come.

Smiling to myself, I whisper, "Would I do it all over again?"