momma's pride and joy

Kerin (Karen)

I was just about done preparing dinner when I saw Johnny and Jessie through the window, walking to the house.

Oh great, I thought, seeing both of them looking like they had been mud wrestling.

They sure make a lot of work for me, but at least they're not in the house, messing it up.

I wondered what they'd think of me when they got inside. With the way I was dressed, they were in for a big surprise, that's for sure.

I remembered how I used to go out with them and we'd play catch, roaming across the prairie land, catch tadpoles, climb trees, wrestling, and swimming butt-naked in the creek. But those days were all behind me, I had a new life and a new purpose now.

When the boys came in the house, they were all tired out and dirty and instinctively headed to the kitchen to see what was for dinner.

"Out, out," I shouted in my often practiced girly voice, before they even made it into the kitchen and saw me. "Go hose off in the yard and change into fresh clothes while you're out there. I'll toss some on the porch for you."

Being that we were outside of town, in the country where no one would see us, that was something Ma often had us do to keep from getting dirt all over the house.

It was about six o'clock, and Ma always insisted everyone be home for dinner at that time. Everyone but Timmy. He had the car and was often still at work.

I especially wondered what my big brother would say, if anything, when he saw me. I was very anxious about that moment when he did.

In addition to his classes, Tim was also the source of much of the income for our family. Ma had good insurance that paid practically all her medical bills and a disability income, but it just wasn't enough on its on. We also have 48 acres of land out back that dad used to farm. Now there's another farmer leasing the land from us, which brings in some money every month.

Since Tim had insisted on working a full time job outside of school, Mama was able to put the land lease money aside for us once she's gone and her disability check is no longer there. What a wonderful brother I had, I said to myself.

Just as I had that thought, I heard him enter the front door.

"I'm hungry. I'm hungry," he called out as usual.

His entrance through the living room woke mom.

Realizing it was time for dinner, she got up and headed into the dining room while Timmy went to his room.

I took my usual seat next to Mama and Johnny, Jimmy, and Jessie stared at me while taking their seats but they didn't say anything.

Moments later Timmy entered and headed to his usual seat at the end of the table. He glanced over at me and quickly turned his eyes away.

"Boys," Mama said. "I want you to all thank Kerin for this lovely dinner."

The boys looked at Mom kinda funny.

Johnny looked at Jessie and mouthed a questioning, "Kerin?" then they both let out a restrained snicker.

"Why is Kev dressed like that?" Jessie giggled.

"Ya, why?" added Johnny, grinning from ear to ear.

"Cause he's a sissy, a queer, a transvesss...ticle... Something like that," Timmy said mockingly.

At that moment, I wished I was dead. I could only lower my head and look down at the table. Tears filled my eyes and I sniffled to hold them back.

"Boys, boys," Mama sternly scolded. "Especially you, Timmy. You're old enough to know better."

"Well, he is," continued Tim. "Look at him, makeup, painted nails and all. He looks like a girl, he's acting like one, talking like one. Pretty soon he'll be going out on dates with guys. Only queers do that. I bet it won't be long before he'll be doing other things with guys too, things I won't mention at the table."

"Ah, shit," he continued, tossing his fork on his plate with a pop. "I'm not even hungry."

After that outburst, Tim pushed his chair back from the table and stormed off to his room.

"Anyone else want to leave?" Mama directly asked my brothers.

Looking at each other, they said almost in unison, "are you kidding; we're hungry."

And with that they dug in to the platters of mashed potatoes, corn, and meatloaf.

I just loved my little brothers. They were so accepting of me. Not once did they say anything mean or snide. They treated me like everything was normal and we all talked real nice to each other at the table.

Ma kept calling me Kerin and by the end of dinner so were the boys. Still, I couldn't let go of the hurt I felt over what Timmy had said.

After dinner and the clean up, Johnny asked me if I'd help him with his math homework.

"Of course I will," I told him as I moved over to the couch so I could look over his work.

"Your hair's really gotten long," he observed.

"I know. You like it long?"

"Ya, it smells good, too," he said as he moved his face close to mine. "Like pretty prairie flowers."

"You can touch it if you want."

Johnny hesitated, his hand midway in the air. I gathered a handful of hair and brought it to one side.

"Go ahead and touch it, it won't bite."

His fingers played with the ends as if trying to unravel the strands.

"See how long it is in back?" I pointed out as I turned my back to him, sitting on just the edge of the couch. "Would you like to comb it for me one day?"

"Uh huh," Johnny answered.

"Well, if you're good boy, I'll let you. Will you be a good boy and do what your big sister says?"

"Uh huh," Johnny softly answered.

"Okay, let's take a look at your homework."

Once Johnny had finished his homework, I went to put on my new nightgown, and headed back to the living room.

I sat on the floor in front of couch and watched a movie with Mama while Jimmy and James played with toys in their shared bedroom.