momma's pride and joy

Time Away From My Motherly Duties

On Friday I prepared dinner early, a cassarole that could just be heated up at dinner time, then went and got dressed the same way Ma dressed me the day before. However, today she added a big red fabric bow to the bottom of my braid, gave me a pair of little gold-colored hoop earrings for me to clip on my earlobes, and she had me put on a pair of  semi-opaque shaper hose that had a glossy finish that made my legs smooth and flawless.

When I was done I went to the living room and Ma looked me over. She gushed on and on and told me I looked like a cutie pie.

I'm pretty sure Tim's eyes lit up when he saw me, but he pretended he was only doing me and Ma a big favor by taking me out.

"Isn't your little sister just darling?" Ma proclaimed not only to Tim, but my other brothers as well, who had come to see the send off.

Tim didn't say a word. I could see he was uncomfortable, yet, he didn't take his eyes off me either.

I made it clear to everyone that I was nervous about going out in public dressed all girly. I was sure everyone would see that I was a boy who was made up like a girl, but Ma and Tim and even the boys said I pass very well as a girl. That helped boost my confidence, the boys saying that I looked like a beautiful, real girl.

Especially when Johnny said that I was as pretty as almost any girl at school.

I think seeing me doing girl things and taking to them like Ma would, helped them see me as a female. In just a few months they had become completely accepting of me as their new sister. Would everyone else see what they saw or had they just been conditioned over time?

To complete my look, Ma handed me a small, sparkly sequined purse with no strap, a clasp, she called it, and sent us on our way.

As Tim drove us on the forty-five minute long trip to the carnival, he talked real nice to me, well what little he said. The tension between us felt almost like two young teens headed out on a first date; uncomfortably tense and nervous with long awkward pauses of silence.

The first twenty minutes or so of the trip consisted of short snippets of small talk. When we finally got past that, with what little Tim did say, he asked me how it felt to always be dressed like a girl now and if I really liked doing my hair and my makeup? And why?

I tried to answer all his questions as honestly and simply as possible. I wanted him to understand where I was coming from and where I could possibly end up.

Some of the things I told him, I was just coming to realize myself. Up until now I had still been quite unsure myself, and for some of it still was.

I reiterated what I had told him before about how this all originated with Ma, how it was her idea and that I had never, ever wondered what it would be like if I had been a girl, nor ever had any interest in trying on girls clothes.

"You remember how bad we laughed at and made fun of Richard about six years ago when he showed up to the town Halloween party in his sister's cheer uniform?"

"Yeah, I do," Tim laughed. "I had actually forgotten about that night until you brought it up just now. As I recall, you were the meanest one. It started with good-natured humor and before the night was over you were calling him a limp-wristed Peter-puffer and making vulgar hand and mouth motions to go with it. Had him in tears."

"Yeah, well look at me now."

"You look real pretty tonight," he sincerely complimented me as we sat at a traffic light.

"Thank you," I replied nervously. "I never wanted this and actually fought it at first."

"You did? I never saw that."

"I did, but in my own way. I never let Ma know just how I really felt."

"Why not?"

"It's like I told you before. I couldn't hurt her. She really believed this was best and desperately wanted the peace of mind of believing we would be taken care of. That you and I would be able to share the roles."

"I get that, I guess. Are you still fighting it, 'cause it sure doesn't look that way."

I paused and held my breath. I was about to admit something I had never said aloud before. Something I wouldn't have even believed possible just a few weeks ago.

Exhaling, I began, "No . . . I'm not. I'm not so sure I'm not destined for this. You know I've never been a very strong, masculine boy. I'm very quiet, shy, reserved. Maybe this is what I was supposed to do all along?"

Tim remained silent as I spoke, and I kept my gaze straight ahead, but I heard him shift positions in his seat. Was this revelation making him uncomfortable?

"Tim?" I continued, " please don't hate me, but . . . I uh, I'm starting to accept this as my destiny. I know I'll do this, to the best of my ability for Ma, but when she's gone, I don't know that I'll go back. I'm uh, I'm not so sure I want to, ever."

Had I really just said that. I didn't say anything else and just sat there letting the reality of what I had just said, sink in, for Tim and we'll . . . me too.

"You really mean that," Tim asked after an awkward length of silence.

I dropped my gaze to my smooth, hairless, hose-encased legs and slowly drug my finger across one thigh, tracing the hemline of my dress.

"Tim . . . not only am I beginning to accept it, I . . ." my voice cracked as my eyes began to tear up. "I-I'm starting to enjoy it."

Reaching out, Tim put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me to him as close as possible. The road was straight and clear and he drove with one hand, the other stroking my hair as his arm held me close to him in a comforting manner.

"Look, I maybe thought this was some kind of kooky phase for you at first, and I didn't understand why you were doing it. Hell, I'll admit it, it made me uncomfortable, for two reasons. One, it was weird to see my brother, my best friend, dressing up like a girl and acting like one. I didn't know what to think about it. Two, the more comfortable you get in this role, the better you get at makeup, and the more your mannerisms become naturally feminine, the more attractive you become . . . the more uncomfortable I become . . . cause, well you uh, you're, as a girl, you're . . . attractive."

His voice trailed off.

I sat back upright.

What? Did he just say what I thought I heard? I didn't know how to take that. What was he actually saying? Was he just complimenting me or was he telling me he was actually attracted to me?

My heart pounded in my chest and I could feel sweat starting to form in my freshly shaven, floral scented, hairless armpits.

I uncomfortably tugged on the hem of my dress trying to pull it down further to cover my knees.

"Um, Kerin," Tim questioned, seeing my obvious discomfort.

"You okay? I - uh, I wasn't trying to make you feel awkward. Don't take that the wrong way. I just meant that if you were actually a girl, and not flesh and blood kin, I'd be attracted to you and want to ask you out. It's meant to be a compliment. Okay?"

The corners of my lips turned slightly upward, in the slightest of smile as some of the tension, some of the nervousness in my body began to melt away.

"Now that you've explained it to me, Tim continued, "I kinda understand why you're doing all this. I just don't know how far you really want to take it and if you really want it to be permanent. I'm not even sure if you know yet, but I do know the only way you will ever figure it out is by making a decision armed with knowledge you will only gain from experience."

I looked up, "What are you saying, Tim?"

"Well, we're here, we're at the carnival. How about we put aside the fact that you're my brother and for the rest of the night we pretend you're a real girl and I'm your date. Let you see what it's like and then tomorrow you can decide how the experience felt to you and if you liked it or not."

I looked him in the eyes and saw nothing but sincerity. I could see he wasn't joking about helping me figure this out. He really was serious.

"I promise to be the perfect gentleman. So what do you say, Miss Kerin? Will you be my date for the evening?"