The Bucket List

31

I needed to call someone and vent. I didn't want to call Colby or Jess. I didn't want to call any of the friend group either, since they'd probably tell Colby. Krystal was currently on an airplane and I didn't want to bother my mom and make her think I'm not okay.

The only person left that I was close with was Krystal's mom, Izzy. I opened my phone and scrolled until I found her name and hit the call button.

"Hello? Rose? Is this you?" she asked frantically.

"Uh, yeah, it is. I just wanted to talk for a minute if you're not busy," I said.

"Oh, honey, I've been trying to reach you for an hour," she said. I noticed that her voice was shaky. Something was wrong.

"I changed my phone number a couple years ago and I moved out of my apartment and don't have a landline anymore. Are you okay?" I asked.

"No, Rose. I'm not," she whispered.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Sweetheart, I... are you sitting down?" she asked.

"Yes...," I trailed off.

"It's Krystal, honey. Oh, god. She, uh...it's her plane. There was a storm over Oregon and...it's all over the news but I assumed you were at work, and...," she got quiet, muffling her crying on the other line.

I dropped my phone.

I don't remember starting my car, I don't remember driving it to my house, I don't remember walking inside. I don't remember opening my kitchen cabinets and throwing all of my glass dishes onto the floor. I don't remember punching my TV so hard that it broke, and I don't remember doing the same thing to my mirror. I don't remember knocking over my barstools, I don't remember ripping all of the clothes out of my closet and leaving them on the floor. I don't remember intentionally slamming my head against my refrigerator door. I don't remember kicking a hole in my wall. I don't remember screaming so loud that I lost my voice. I don't remember continuing to scream and cry after my throat already couldn't make any more noise

I do remember Colby running into my house, probably because I was being so loud. I do remember the way he looked at me, absolutely terrified, when he sprinted over to my kitchen and saw me, sitting there, throwing and squeezing handfuls of broken glass, surrounded by it, then pulling out my hair and crying, shaking even harder than I had when I went into shock. I remember how mad I got when he started to walk toward me. This was his fault. He did this.

I found my voice, and although I felt like I was going to make my throat bleed, I remember screaming at Colby to get the fuck away from me. I remember telling him not to fucking touch me, to not say my name, screaming even louder when he told me everything was going to be okay. I remember Colby crying because he didn't know what to do. I remember kicking him in the stomach as hard as I could when he squatted down in front of me to see if I was okay. I remember him screaming for Sam, Jake, and Corey. I remember Colby yelling at one of them to call 911.

I remember Sam, Jess, and Jake running in at the same time, Tara trailing behind them. I remember Jake struggling to hold back a thrashing Colby, his eyes streaming tears after he couldn't scream back anymore to ask me what was wrong. I remember Sam coming up to me, the face he made when he saw all of the blood on my kitchen floor and the broken glass pressed into my skin. I remember Jess walking up behind Sam, the way her hand shot up to cover her mouth.