Commitment

Part 31

Gray ran a hand behind his neck and said, "Yes, but I can..."

"No. No. Not necessary at all." She mumbled, then took a breath. Before she slipped into utter despondency she pulled herself together and cloaked herself with practicalities and lied, "In any case, I've already eaten." Thank goodness for that lie.

He reared,"You have?" He frowned.

"Yes." She lied blatantly, making sure she didn't make eye contact when she turned back to face him. "Got something on my way home."

It was strange to realise that age had not dimmed the sense of being alone in a crowd. Being an unwanted extra in your own home. As a child she'd always imagined it would only happen to her as a child. An unwanted child. But today, now, she'd learnt that she was an unwanted adult in her own home.

Her eyes had lost that sparkle. Gray suddenly wanted to see that sparkle back in her eyes.

Regan shrugged, "So you see, Gray, now we can both stick to our original plans!" Amazing how you can wrap your lies with reality. "I was going to have an early night."

Gray was sure she was lying. But not sure if he could make things worse by accusing her of lying. He rubbed his jaw with his fingers.

She felt very lonely. A kind of loneliness she hadn't felt in the last decade. Trying to pick herself up, and desperately trying to move on, she pinned on a broad smile and asked with faked enthusiasm as if she had genuine interest in the answer to her question, "So who's coming to dinner?" She really didn't care who was coming, she was still reeling from the fact that she was not invited. Hadn't even been considered. Had not told her. But set up a table for four. A four.

Again, Gray wiped a hand down the front of his face as he admitted, "I invited Caro." He kept studying Regan, could see that her question was nothing more than tokenism. In agitation he ran a hand through his hair and tried desperately to think of a way to rectify the situation.

Regan hid the sharp pain that hit her smack bang in the centre of her chest. Heart attack, she mused, more like heart shattering. "Oh." Of course she knew that. She had worked it out, earlier. But it hurt when he confirmed her assumptions. And she was wrong: she really cared who was coming.

"I know you don't like her." Gray offered as an excuse.

She snorted quietly, "Really. You think I don't like her?" She looked directly at Gray and declared, "Actually I don't know her at all! So I cant say I don't like her. I don't know her at all. So Gray, you can't say I don't like her!" She felt worthlessness. Deep-seated loneliness re-emerged.

Ok, so she did care who was coming. And she knew her heart had hit the ground. At least it hadn't shattered. No doubt it would bounce back. Any moment now, it would bounce back. But apparently now is not immediately!

Well, she had certainly read this wrong. When would she learn? She was getting too close to these three people. To them she was simply their employer. To her they were living together, sharing the same space, with respect and interest in each other's welfare: She treated them like friends. Yet they were hosting a dinner party, and hadn't thought to invite her. Hadn't even mentioned it to her.

Gray shifted, awkwardness took over. He knew he'd handled this badly. Knew that he'd made a mistake in not telling her about the invitations, or even considered including her. Knew that he'd been rude in forgetting to even mention the fact that they were hosting a dinner this evening, using her crockery, her linen, her home. And his reactions, just now, made the debacle worse.

"What time are you expecting her?" Regan asked, as she wondered if she had enough time to leave. She could sneak out because she didn't want to be around while Gray entertained Ms Hanley!

"She should be here any moment." He said automatically trying to cover the silence.

"I'd best get out of your way then." Regan smiled, with her lips curving in a faint pretence of a smile. "She'll appreciate your effort," She smiled in encouragement, "for this meal." She kept her smiled intact. "It looks perfect." When he said nothing, Regan added quietly. "I'm guessing Lore organised the layout?"

He nodded watching her carefully, now more convinced that ever that he had hurt her deeply. That sparkle had disappeared completely. It wasn't in her eyes or in her voice, even though she had the smile on her lips. He wished he could have a ground hog day and rerun the whole thing, starting with telling her this morning about the dinner party, asking her if she wasn't working and asking her to join them.

"She's got a good eye for design, doesn't she?" Regan gestured vaguely at the place settings trying to keep her voice up beat and lightweight. "It looks lovely." It did. It was beautiful, very tasteful and simply sophisticated. "Beautiful." She looked up at him and said with open honesty, "She's done a super job."

Gray nodded. "I'll set another place." He could see that she was taking this hard and it had registered with her that they had not considered inviting her. He thought he should insist that she comes to the dinner. He could set up another place, there must be more crockery around. He was not sure: Lore, not him, set up the table.

Regan shook her head firmly. "No, I don't think so." She looked back at the table. "It would spoil it." Lore had been creative: the napkins, the flowers, it was beautiful. She sighed. "And anyway, as you know, I've eaten already." She worked hard to keep the smile even while her heart was breaking. Childhood insecurities threatened to swamp her. She needed to put this into perspective.