Commitment

Part 28

Gray watched her body language and realised that she was backing away. "Yesterday, you could have used my lack of confidence to get even with me."

"Get even with you?"

"Yes."

"Get even with you. Why would I do that?"

"You could have used my nerves to get even with me, given our previous interactions. But you didn't." He hesitated as he admitted with disarming honesty. "Instead, you boosted my self esteem. Why did you do that?" He ran a hand round the back of his neck as he admitted more in a slightly embarrassed tone of voice, "I hadn't been on a date in a while." He laughed ruefully, trying to hide the fact that he was disconcerted about talking to her about his lack of social life. Sheepishly he added, "Pitiful?" He wasn't sure why he was telling her this. But it was as if he owed her an explanation.

"Hardly." She replied, sensing once again the vulnerability behind that hard exterior he'd developed. She hadn't been on a date since he'd kissed her and she was sure that he and Caro would have done more than kiss. He was coming home at this time of the morning after their date last night, and kissing had probably been the first course!

A vice tightened around her heart. It was physical and painful.

This is the difference. The conversation he had with his date was superficial, and here, he was talking to a woman, who he avoids when he can, is now telling her about his personal issues!

"I nearly lost my nerve yesterday. You know, going on a normal date." He mumbled with a fair amount of discomfiture. "I guess." He looked away.

Embarrassed by the fact that he'd told her that. It wasn't that he was usually so forthcoming, even before the attack, he'd always been one to play things close to his chest. And yet here he was telling her what he felt. How he felt. And once he'd started his mouth seemed to think it was time to spill about everything.

"In my mind I still see what I saw when they took the bandages off." He still saw the trauma to his face and body. His face tautened and for a second, he took a breath and then continued, "It was a shock." He said roughly and looked across at her. Their gaze locked. He took another breath. "It was horrific." He couldn't believe that he was talking to her about his qualms. Her? Why her? "I was in a state. A complete mess."

She waited, said nothing, just waited for him to continue.

"Given the situation, with my grandmother, well, I never thought about talking about me falling apart, to either grandfather or Lore. My grandfather had a lot on his plate. The last thing he needed was to know that I was falling apart."

It was a release to be able to talk about it. He hadn't admitted how shocked he'd been, not to anyone. He'd always felt he'd have to hold it together. The family had suffered such a huge loss, the last thing they needed was him adding to their woes and anxieties.

"There was so much to do with the physical aspects of my injuries. I just forgot that I had to deal with my emotional scars."

She heard the sincerity and misery in his voice. Regan put her bag down on the table. Ok, she was going to be a few minutes late. Again. But she couldn't leave him feeling like this, especially as he had made the effort to explain. The man was suffering grief, he might not have admitted it to himself but he had been traumatised, and his way of dealing with it had clearly been to bury it all. Now that he was talking, she really couldn't just leave him feeling emotionally and physically battered. She could see the anguish in his eyes and she could hear his suffering in his voice. It would have taken courage to tell her, especially for a man who had banked up his emotional baggage. For some reason he trusted her.

It took guts, to tell her about his opinions and his feelings about his body. Perhaps he only told her because she was a doctor, or perhaps, he really trusted her despite his attitude to her.

Regan whispered, "I'm sure it was a huge shock." She came to stand in front of him. She told him gently, "Of course, seeing the damage, seeing the scars, it would hit like a sledgehammer." She said in her clinical tone, "When that screen is lodged in your brain, it would take time to replace it in your brain." That tone was replaced with a gentle tone, "Obviously you still see you as the man with the injuries scars." She wished she had the guts to hold him and give him a comforting hug.

"I am still the man with the injuries scars!" He said with a rueful laugh. Why was he talking to her about his anxieties? 

She hesitated a second, saw his angst and making up her mind, she said gently, "Come with me." She took his hand and dragged him towards the bathroom. Her action bemused him and he had followed without even thinking about it. Why had he even started to tell her about how he felt? It wasn't as if they were close friends, or any kind of friend, come to that.

With their fingers intertwined, he followed. "What are you doing?"  Her hand felt small in his, but she'd still managed to take him with her. And why was he holding on to her hand? Why did it feel right? The thought raced through his mind. Why was this different? Holding her hand? He had held Caro's hand last night. But holding onto Regan's hand now was so different. So, so, different. He was stunned by the connection. And his bemusement allowed her to manoeuvre him to the bathroom! She was amazed when she realised she practically dragged a six-foot-175-pound man to the bathroom and he allowed it.