wish i were ⇾ p.c

24- mind over matter

"and when the seasons change, would you stand by me?"
-young the giant

Finally, I was home. I've been back for a while. I hadn't been to school or anything at all, though. Most of my teachers gave me all the work I have missed, but a few just excused all of it. They felt sorry for me, and I hated that, but it was nice not having to add homework to my list of stresses. Anyway, I had a few days to settle back in at home, then tomorrow is my first day of therapy at the hospital.

I sat at my desk in silence. A bottle of nail polish sat in front of me, the top in my right hand while I smoothed coats of it on my left. I had been sitting here kind of a long time just thinking. I forgot how many times I went over each nail. It was clear polish, so it didn't matter. I kept going.

I suddenly heard a knock on my doorframe. I wasn't allowed to shut my door. I guess mom thought I would do something crazy. Whatever. I could still lock the door in the bathroom and she can't do anything about that.

I swiveled my chair around to face the door, and there stood none other than Ponyboy Curtis.

"Surprise," he said fake cheerfully. I could see right through it. He looked uneasy.

"Hi," I said quietly. I tried to sound enthusiastic but I couldn't really bring myself to.

He sat down in the other chair next to me. My desk had two chairs but only one of me. It was stupid. Instead of buying this chair, Josh could've used the money for something helpful.

"I've missed you," said Pony. "How long have you been back?"

"Three days," I replied with a shrug. I was still focused on my nails, my right hand this time.

"Oh. Listen, I would've come to see you earlier but your mom thought I should wait a little because—"

"It's okay." I cut him off. "You're here now."

We sat there in silence for kind of a long time. There wasn't a lot to say.

"Your rooms nice," he said finally, "This is the first time I've been over to see it. I like it."

Yeah, because he hadn't come over after I moved since he was spending all of winter break with Cherry. My heart dropped when I thought of her. She was still in love with Bob, but he died. And she dated Ponyboy, maybe as some sort of rebound, and Bob was such a shitty person yet I couldn't stop feeling bad for her. She loved him.

I glanced around my room. It was a mess. My bed was unmade, clothes littered the floor, and there were literally scorched off spots in the carpet because I'd just stomp out cigarettes on it.

"You don't have to lie" I said bitterly, "I know I need to clean up this dump of a place."

More silence. It's hard to believe we were ever close enough to just keep on talking about everything and nothing all at once. Now it's like we don't know each other at all.

"Are you okay Kaylee? After everything that happened, and you've been at the hospital and all..."

"I don't want to talk about any of that," I snapped. I got up from my desk and went to the big windows. I placed my forehead on the cool glass and stared outside. I took a deep breath in. "I'm sorry." I whispered. I was sorry. I was being so rude, for what? He was here to check on me. "I don't know why I'm being such a bitch. I'm sorry."

He stood, and walked over next to me, placing his hand on my shoulder. I froze. And then after a second, I pulled away.

I couldn't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep getting my hopes up with him. I still have feelings for him. I love him. I love him so much it hurts.

But he didn't love me. And he never would. He just got out of a relationship, so even if I thought he did it's not the best time to confess my feelings.

And besides that, I don't think we can be friends anymore. It's so tense between us. Things would never be the same. Things are so different now, and I love him too much to sit around and be 'friends' with him when I needed more than that. I love him so much it hurts.

I felt my chest tighten and I felt breathless. Like someone had knocked me so hard that I'd fallen on my back and been winded.

"I think..." I tried not to gasp and choke over my words. "I think you... should leave."

He didn't argue. He just nodded once, slowly, and walked out, shutting the door softly behind him.

A single tear fell down my cheek and I couldn't breathe. It hurt to love him.