wish i were ⇾ p.c

17- touch

a/n- for updates on when i will be posting new chapters and sneak peaks of chapters, follow my instagram @ ponyboyspepsii. i also make edits!!

"when will i feel this, as vivid as it truly is? fall in love in a single touch... then fall apart, and it hurts too much."
-sleeping at last

TW; mentions of sexual assault, substance abuse, ED's

I can't do it anymore.

It's been weeks living like this. Feeling cut off from my world, now I'm just living in a fucked up city of Bob's. I wanna go home. I want to go back to MY life.

I see him everywhere and at this point I can never tell if it's truly him that I'm seeing, or if it is just a figure of my imagination. I miss Ponyboy and the gang and my mom. Because I just can't talk to them. I have to keep pushing them away and I hate it.

I miss being able to talk to people without being scared I might tell this huge secret. That's why I just haven't really talked to anyone. And I miss them.

Ponyboy called, and when I didn't answer, left a message.

"Hi Kaylee. It's me..."

His tone started off normal but confused. He said he was wondering if I was okay and if something had happened and just that he didn't understand why I was pushing him away.

But as the voicemail went on, his sweet tone turned into anger and distaste.

"Look, I don't know what's going on with you. Has it got something to do with the fact that you're a Soc now? Are you too good for me? I bet you think you are! And to think, we've been best friends our entire lives and you just want to throw that all away. Fuck you."

The line went dead.

I felt terrible for making him think that, but how could I tell him the truth? How could I tell him, I can't help but feel depressed and sad and empty, because how could I, now that I'm rich and moneys supposed to solve all your problems.

Of course he thinks it's the Soc thing. Because I moved here right when break started and we didn't talk much and then the first day back, I ran out of the lunchroom, and then I snapped at him and Cherry the first day it happened...

How could I tell him I was in love with him and seeing him every single day with Cherry made me want to die more and more every second?

And worse, how could I tell him about the boy that was regularly pulling my clothes off in an empty classroom and touching me and forcing me to do very bad things with the threat of a gun to my head?

I remembered Ponyboy's words the night he dropped me off after we went to the Drive In. When I collapsed in his arms and sobbed into his chest about how scared I was that I was almost raped. He'd said, "I'm not gonna let that happen."

But it did. And he wasn't there for me.

Bob does it, almost every day. Every fucking day. It makes me feel so worthless. It's like all I'm here for, all I'm meant to be, is some stupid sex tool for this horrible guy. And I couldn't do anything about it because he told me he would kill me and whoever I told and anyone who stood in his way.

I could tell someone. I could, and maybe Bob would find out and kill me and kill the person I told, but at least I'd be free from this horrible secret I was forced to keep.

No, I couldn't do that to them. I don't care if I die, but if anyone else did I could never forgive myself. Especially if it were my own fault.

There's nothing I can do about Bob. I'm just stuck living like this. No matter the reasoning, the fact of the matter is, I'm alone.

I grabbed a cigarette from the pack that was stashed in the drawer of my nightstand. It's really hard to get through all these days, but the short buzz from the weeds sure does the trick. I haven't eat much these past weeks, all I do is smoke. And I have lost a noticeable amount of weight from it. Which gives me no other choice than to just wear baggy sweaters.

Even my jeans hang loosely off my hips. Belts only do so much. I was skinny before, but not like this. One day, I woke up and went to brush my hair and it started to fall out. Yeah, like fall out. In these giant clumps all over the floor. I figured it was a side effect of not eating.

I didn't purposefully avoid eating, I just felt like I didn't need to. But I got scared when I saw what was happening to my hair, so I immediately went to the kitchen and ate a bunch of food. I didn't realize how hungry I was. But I could barely get a few bites in before I started to throw it all up.

In the mirror I didn't see myself anymore. I saw a zombie. Skinny to the point I could count my ribs, sunken eyes from the lack of sleep,  chapped lips from dehydration. I'd probably die soon. But I was so good at hiding this zombified version of myself that no one has noticed a thing.

Not my mother because she's so busy with her work and her soon to be husband, and not the gang because I don't really see them anymore. Not Pony or Cherry because I stay as far away from them as I can.

I'm watching everything I love come and go crashing at my feet. But I think the worst part is that I felt nothing. Not anymore. Not even sadness or guilt, or anything that reminded me of being human. Not when Bob did things to me or ever. I was numb to everything and everyone. A zombie.

What I miss most is my best friend. Ponyboy. I miss him. So damn much. I miss loving him. He's the person I love the most in this whole entire world and he will never get to know it. I miss that rush of excitement when we hung out and he came close to me and accidentally touched me.

I miss the butterflies in my stomach I used to get when we would have sleepovers and we would lay next to eachother in bed and I could feel his warmth on my skin.

I miss the feeling of my blush creeping up on my face when he would do something as small as helping me with homework.

I lost the only part of me that could still feel. Yet I continue to push everyone away. I never thought I'd see the day I destroyed the better part of me. But here I am.

All I do is drink alcohol to forget and smoke cigarettes to calm down.

I don't have anything or anyone. I'm alone again.