wish i were ⇾ p.c

16- idontwannabeyouanymore

"If teardrops could be bottled, there'd be swimming pools filled by models, told 'a tight dress is what makes you a whore'".
-billie eilish

On Monday I had to go to school. I can't stop going forever, although I really wish I could.

I stayed up all night again Sunday, smoking cancer sticks and putting them out on the carpet. The space behind my bed was now full of burn holes. I felt kinda bad for ruining the carpet, but then again, no one comes in my room so they wouldn't even notice.

When it was finally time for me to start getting ready, I took a scalding hot shower that by the time I got out, my whole body was red.

The hot water soothes all my bruises. They were mostly healed but a few still hurt.

When I stepped in my closet deciding what to wear, I thought about just wearing sweats, but my mom would probably get upset that I'm not wearing all my new clothes.

Plus, it'll make me look more out together to wear nicer clothes and I didn't want anyone to suspect that somethings wrong with me.

So I wore one of the dresses I got from Christmas. It was just plain black and was really casual, nothing too fancy. With it I wore some black tights because it's still freezing outside, and my ripped denim jacket over top.

As for my hair, I brushed it in the shower and already put in some gel so I pinned the front pieces back and just left it.

I stared at myself in the mirror. I don't look like me anymore.

I mean, I do a little bit, everything's still the same about me aside from the dark black and blue bruises beneath my eyes from a lack of sleep.

If you didn't know me well, you probably wouldn't be able to tell that there was something different about me. But I could see it. I didn't look happy, no matter how many times I smiled in the mirror at my reflection, I didn't look happy.

I put on makeup to cover up the eye bags. They were bad. Very, very bad. I have to wear makeup to cover them all the time now. If anyone saw, well, it wouldn't be good. It feels like a lifetime ago that I was sleeping in Dally's car. I miss it. That was before....

I remembered Dally's words. If I ever needed him, he was there. I did need him. Just anyone, and yeah, I could go to him, because I know for a fact that he'd murder Bob on the spot and take the jail sentence easy.

But I couldn't tell him. Bob would find out before Dally even got to him, and by that time, Bob would've already killed me or someone I care about, knowing he's about to die anyway.

The thing I fear the most is someone who has nothing to lose. I thought about all my other fears. The dark, car crashes, drunk guys. But someone who has nothing to lose is by far the worst. They don't care about their lives so they'll just be reckless. And Bob?

Shoot, he has nothing, according to Cherry. Not his family and now not even her. Maybe he thinks it's my fault she broke up with him. Maybe that's why he chose me, of all people.

Once I was ready, I grabbed my backpack (which was full of all the work I'd missed in the past week) and then I walked into the kitchen.

I ate breakfast with everyone, staying silent instead of participating in the usual morning chatter.

When everyone was ready to leave, we all piled into the car. I felt my stomach tighten as we got closer and closer to the school. I felt like I was gonna throw up.

Maybe you won't see him today, I tried reassuring myself, it is a pretty big school. Maybe you'll be fine.

When we arrived, Randy and I said bye to mom and Josh, and he immediately ran over to his friends. So I walked alone into the building, and right there on the front steps talking were none other than Cherry Valance and Ponyboy Curtis.