wish i were ⇾ p.c

22- losing

"Can you forgive me? cause I am so tired of all this. it's just like im fighting, it's just like im fighting god. and im not sure who i want to win..."
-spookyghostboy

I yawned and sat up in bed. The sheets were cold although I'd been laying there for hours. The sleep was nice. I forgot what it was like to be completely rested.

When the doctors found out I hadn't slept for more than an hour a week in the past three and a half months, they recommend to my mom that I be admitted to a psych ward. Yes, a psych ward.

My mom didn't want to send me there, she kept telling me this, anyways. But I guess she didn't know how else to help me. I mean, what can you do for your daughter whose suffered through such a traumatic experience that she can't even sleep, and if she did, it was short lived and full of nightmares.

To be quite honest, I didn't think those nightmares were sleep. I thought they were hallucinations. But the specialty doctor at the psych ward told me it's absolutely impossible to go as long as I did with no sleep at all. She said maybe I didn't remember it, and it probably didn't happen to often, but it definitely happened. Because I wouldn't be living if it didn't. Make sense?

Anyway, today was my last night at the hospital. Mom and Josh and Randy would be here in the morning to come pick me up and break me out of this place.

It would be good to finally leave. I was excited. I hate it here. I have to wear padded hospital socks that are sticky on the floor and I pretty much flash everyone on the rare occasions I do leave my room, with the stupid hospital gown I have to wear.

But in other ways I was afraid to leave and have to face the real world again. At least here in the hospital, I could sort of hide from my life, if that makes sense. No one expected anything of me here. But out there? Shoot, I just...

In a small town like Tulsa, news spreads quickly. I was sure I'd be the talk of the town. I always hated attention. I'm not sure I could handle that.

I sighed and closed my eyes, willing sleep to just take me over again. I'd been prescribed a bunch of drugs to help me. The first day I got here, I slept for fifty hours straight. Then the next time I fell asleep, 28. Then 60 the next time. I'd only been here a month, but it felt like a lifetime.

I was still always cold all the time. It was like I had no warmth in my body. I was still showering in boiling water. I was still wearing layers and layers of clothes. The doctor told me that happens sometimes as a side effect to not sleeping and hopefully within a few months my body temperature would go back up. Hopefully.

I wore Pony's sweatshirt everyday here. It's the only thing I brought from home. He still doesn't know I have it, it's the one I kept when I gave him all the stuff he left at my old house. It had been sitting in the back of my closet for the longest. I was afraid to wear it. But now, it made me feel safe while being here in the hospital. He couldn't be here with me but at least I had something of his.

The last time I saw him was the day I found him at the lot. If it weren't for him being there, I would've never gotten the help I needed. After I explained everything to him, he brought me back to his house. His brothers were there with Johnny and Dally, and they were all surprised to see me.

Ponyboy told them he had to call my mother immediately and that once they came I had something to tell them all. I'll never forget the looks on all their faces when I told them and my mom and Josh and Randy what happened in the Curtis living room.

"And he's been doing it for... how long?" Josh whispered. He had a blank look on her face. Like he didn't know what to say.

"Since January," I replied.

"And you didn't tell anyone?" Randy demanded.

"What was I supposed to say!" I fired back. "You knew that was something Bob was capable of anyway! Remember you were there that time he jumped us and said nothing! So don't act like you were totally clueless!"

"Both of you shut up!" My mother shouted. She had silent tears streaming down her face. "It's my fault, I should've known something was up with you, you're my daughter..." Josh rubbed her back and whispered things to her in an attempt to comfort her. Someone should really try and comfort me! I'm the one who... I'm the one who...

"Mom," I said. "It's not your fault. There's nothing you could've done. No way you could've known."

I looked away. I couldn't stand to see that look on her face. I stared at anything but her. Johnny on the floor next to Ponyboy with an expressionless look. Darry shaking his head at me. Randy looking down and biting his nails.

Soda was crying really loudly. He'd always been known as the Curtis family bawl-baby. He sat next to me on the floor, across from Ponyboy and Johnny. He sat there crying next to me and just kept hugging me. Telling me he was sorry such a thing could happen to me. Telling me it was all going to be okay. But it wouldn't. It never would be again.

"You bitch!" Dally suddenly screamed angrily. "You little bitch! I told you, I fucking told you, if something was wrong, if you ever needed anything, you could come to me! I said that to you and you still didn't! I was here for you, Kaylee. I don't say that shit to anyone but I did for you because I care about you! I didn't want to see you hurt! I didn't want you to..." he trailed off and got quiet. "I didn't want you to end up like me." And then I saw something I never thought I'd see. A single tear fell from his eye. I made Dallas Winston cry.

I shuddered at the memory. I'm so broken. I don't think I will ever be able to get fixed. Maybe I don't want to be fixed. Maybe I just want to die or something. It'll take away the pain forever.